Madison452New Contributor
Struggling to support grieving partner
I'm unsure what type of context to give I am just desperate at better understanding how I can help my partner.
My partner recently lost her dad 3 weeks ago. It was a very complicated relationship were because of his past actions her and her sister were not in contact with him very often. He had many problems, some he never should've put on his children, but he was a tortured soul and you can tell from the stories they tell he did love them but unfortunately didn't know how to show it.
My partner moved interstate to live with me and for work 5 months ago and to be honest, I wasn't a great support from the start with smaller issues and I'm definitely making things worse and believe I have set back her healing. At first I really struggled to understand how you can grieve someone so much who did so many bad things, I was furious at the things I heard her father did and how he could've treat someone this way that my empathy was not present at the times it needed to be. The emotions that come from grieving gave me whiplash and I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself and would attempt different support styles on the go because I was trying anything to try and help her feel better.
I unfortunately hit a road block and I think I shut down at the worst time. When she needed me to be strong I would be weak and she had to take my emotions on with her too. She has such guilt about leaving me to visit family that she came back home earlier.
I don't know how to give a timeline of things but just for some further context I was hit by a car while I was walking home about a year ago. I broke my back in 3 places. I surprisingly came out of this better than anyone thought I would but I have incredibly chronic pain all day. My health has declined because of this and I don't understand work/life balance that I threw myself into work instead of focusing on how to manage the pain (the work place is also incredibly toxic atm and was fearful I would lose my job).
I flew interstate with her the first time she visited and I flew back myself. I haven't recovered from the pain those flights caused. I'm also currently getting assessed with OCD that could've been triggered by the accident.
This wasn't her fault or problem but I was truly struggling with not only the emotional needs but the physical needs. I thought I was doing the correct thing being honest with her about how I'm struggling and how we could work together to help me too but that caused her so much more guilt (I absolutely approached it in the wrong way) that you could tell within the last 2 weeks we have built up guilt, fear, and resentment for each other. Because of this fear she hasn't been able to understand what she wants or needs that she is either frozen, or when she tells me she needs something mid way through its the wrong thing. To which I broke down yesterday about how it's all so confusing and maybe I don't have the capability to help her if she can't communicate anything to me because it put me in a place of fear and statis where I was just afraid to do anything.
We had the biggest fight we've ever had to the point both of us were leaning towards breaking up. At some point something clicked in me that I have been selfish, that how I lived my own personal life meant I left no space to look after anyone around me. I was asking for help in the worst place at the wrong time not understanding that she needed me more.
As I said above I was so fustrated at her dad about how he could treat someone he loved so much but here I am doing the exact same thing.
I know I can do better because I wasn't always this selfish. I have asked her family how I can help which have given me some context.
The steps I've taken so far is apologising for all the things she brings up without defence. I am giving her space by sleeping on the couch and going out throughout the day but not going to far or I can check on her throughout the day. Letting her come to me if she needs to cry in any capacity, if its complete silence or not.
I check up on her to make sure she's doing self care even just to shower, eat, and brush her teeth. I'm looking into a grief counsellor I can book for her (if anyone has a suggestion for a Melbourne based one that would be amazing) in the meantime I may use our private health cover to just set up a few free chats.
Im wary of seeing if i should take the week off because she may feel overwhelmed that I'll be home more, but I'd rather just sit outside and be close if she needs and I also know this is a step for my own self care so I can be there for her. So I will take the week off and do any little chore that comes up for her.
I just don't know how to approach the emotional side of things. What to say when she misses him, what to do when she feels anger or confusion. Everyone tells me you get so confused during grief you don't know what you want and people around you just need to take the initiative. But my partner is so particular in how she likes things and what she eats and it completely changes on a whim. She may like a certain food one day, eat it every day, then she won't be able to eat it again for ages. This goes the same of day to day activities. Which I believe probably aligns with her autism which I'm also going to look into separately from this for advice.
I don't know how to take the initiative when I don't have solid experience of what she will like and need no matter the circumstance. The thing that is making me just do things is, well I already made this bad there is really nothing worse I can do than I already did. Anything is an updrage.
I don't even know what im asking here. I just love her so much. I need to be there for her even if she still breaks up with me in the end I'll understand because wtf was I thinking. I just need to know how I can help now regardless of all that.