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Struggling to support grieving partner

Madison452New Contributor05 Sept 2026, 7:30 am AEST

Struggling to support grieving partner

I'm unsure what type of context to give I am just desperate at better understanding how I can help my partner.

My partner recently lost her dad 3 weeks ago. It was a very complicated relationship were because of his past actions her and her sister were not in contact with him very often. He had many problems, some he never should've put on his children, but he was a tortured soul and you can tell from the stories they tell he did love them but unfortunately didn't know how to show it.

My partner moved interstate to live with me and for work 5 months ago and to be honest, I wasn't a great support from the start with smaller issues and I'm definitely making things worse and believe I have set back her healing. At first I really struggled to understand how you can grieve someone so much who did so many bad things, I was furious at the things I heard her father did and how he could've treat someone this way that my empathy was not present at the times it needed to be. The emotions that come from grieving gave me whiplash and I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself and would attempt different support styles on the go because I was trying anything to try and help her feel better.

I unfortunately hit a road block and I think I shut down at the worst time. When she needed me to be strong I would be weak and she had to take my emotions on with her too. She has such guilt about leaving me to visit family that she came back home earlier.

I don't know how to give a timeline of things but just for some further context I was hit by a car while I was walking home about a year ago. I broke my back in 3 places. I surprisingly came out of this better than anyone thought I would but I have incredibly chronic pain all day. My health has declined because of this and I don't understand work/life balance that I threw myself into work instead of focusing on how to manage the pain (the work place is also incredibly toxic atm and was fearful I would lose my job).

I flew interstate with her the first time she visited and I flew back myself. I haven't recovered from the pain those flights caused. I'm also currently getting assessed with OCD that could've been triggered by the accident.

This wasn't her fault or problem but I was truly struggling with not only the emotional needs but the physical needs. I thought I was doing the correct thing being honest with her about how I'm struggling and how we could work together to help me too but that caused her so much more guilt (I absolutely approached it in the wrong way) that you could tell within the last 2 weeks we have built up guilt, fear, and resentment for each other. Because of this fear she hasn't been able to understand what she wants or needs that she is either frozen, or when she tells me she needs something mid way through its the wrong thing. To which I broke down yesterday about how it's all so confusing and maybe I don't have the capability to help her if she can't communicate anything to me because it put me in a place of fear and statis where I was just afraid to do anything.

We had the biggest fight we've ever had to the point both of us were leaning towards breaking up. At some point something clicked in me that I have been selfish, that how I lived my own personal life meant I left no space to look after anyone around me. I was asking for help in the worst place at the wrong time not understanding that she needed me more.

As I said above I was so fustrated at her dad about how he could treat someone he loved so much but here I am doing the exact same thing.

I know I can do better because I wasn't always this selfish. I have asked her family how I can help which have given me some context.

The steps I've taken so far is apologising for all the things she brings up without defence. I am giving her space by sleeping on the couch and going out throughout the day but not going to far or I can check on her throughout the day. Letting her come to me if she needs to cry in any capacity, if its complete silence or not.

I check up on her to make sure she's doing self care even just to shower, eat, and brush her teeth. I'm looking into a grief counsellor I can book for her (if anyone has a suggestion for a Melbourne based one that would be amazing) in the meantime I may use our private health cover to just set up a few free chats.

Im wary of seeing if i should take the week off because she may feel overwhelmed that I'll be home more, but I'd rather just sit outside and be close if she needs and I also know this is a step for my own self care so I can be there for her. So I will take the week off and do any little chore that comes up for her.

I just don't know how to approach the emotional side of things. What to say when she misses him, what to do when she feels anger or confusion. Everyone tells me you get so confused during grief you don't know what you want and people around you just need to take the initiative. But my partner is so particular in how she likes things and what she eats and it completely changes on a whim. She may like a certain food one day, eat it every day, then she won't be able to eat it again for ages. This goes the same of day to day activities. Which I believe probably aligns with her autism which I'm also going to look into separately from this for advice.

I don't know how to take the initiative when I don't have solid experience of what she will like and need no matter the circumstance. The thing that is making me just do things is, well I already made this bad there is really nothing worse I can do than I already did. Anything is an updrage.

I don't even know what im asking here. I just love her so much. I need to be there for her even if she still breaks up with me in the end I'll understand because wtf was I thinking. I just need to know how I can help now regardless of all that.

3 replies

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In response to: Struggling to support grieving partner

BAOModerator05 Sept 2026, 2:45 pm AEST

Re: Struggling to support grieving partner

Hi @Madison452 ,

Thank you for taking the time to share this very real and raw account of what is happening. I can see how much you care for your partner and you are doing whatever you can to help her through this.

Such a credit to you that you can reflect on your actions to see where you may have slipped and how you can support you and your partner's recovery. It is so powerful to read that you are so mindful of her needs and that you want to be there for her in case she needs you, but also, you are not imposing your presence on her.

Whilst it may be a long road, it sounds like you are on the right track. As much as you are supporting your partner with her self-care, I hope you also have time for yourself.

I hear how hard work must be for you as well as your chronic pain.

Please know you are not alone in this journey. Grief does not have a set timeline unfortunately. Sometimes, talking about the grief can help.

Are you, or your partner linked into any services? I know you mentioned you are looking into grief counselling?

SANE Recovery Club might be an option for the time being if you feel you want to work through some things to work toward recovery. You can have a look at this free service here which includes group sessions, 1:1 sessions, and resources: https://www.sane.org/recovery-club

In response to: Struggling to support grieving partner

RadderSenior Contributor05 Sept 2026, 7:50 pm AEST

Re: Struggling to support grieving partner

Hi @Madison452 grief can be very challenging for everyone involved and most of us are not experienced in dealing with it.

As a starting point, these may help:

(Note Griefline has recently been absorbed into SANE. You can no longer call to chat with a trained grief support volunteer - the phone number diverts to SANE's service line).

In Victoria, Amber Community may provide free counselling for road trauma victims (funded by the TAC).

https://ambercommunity.org.au

Chronic Pain Australia may be able to provide you support

https://chronicpainaustralia.org.au

You may also benefit from family counselling.

Please let us know what you think will support you best right now.

In response to: Struggling to support grieving partner

orchid_blossomCasual Contributor10 Sept 2026, 1:03 am AEST

Re: Struggling to support grieving partner

Hi @Madison452,

I really appreciated hearing your story and am glad that this can be a safe space for you to share.

Your thoughts and actions sound very caring and you seem to have a lot of compassion for your partner. I think you're doing an amazing job considering how difficult it is for each and both of you.

Although my experience is different, I can relate somehow to your partner's grief. I also recently lost my father who was not a good parent and was harmful. I always helped him and was a dutiful child yet he prioritised himself. With therapy, I practised radical acceptance to accept that he wouldn't change. Then I had a difficult conversation with him, resulting in strong boundaries, leading to being partly estranged about a year before he passed. Following that, he complained to my sister, who also expressed her disapproval of his actions.

When he passed, it was from a sudden health complication, and I was the only person who knew his wishes. Despite all the pain, I felt that it was important for him to have dignity as a person to have his rights respected and so I collaborated with my sister and his spouse. It was difficult navigating the emotional projections of the others, so I would try to keep it together by not reacting, and recognise it was their emotion and not mine. Also, I would keep internal boundaries or limit conversation as it was not a healthy dynamic.

Shortly after his death, I moved overseas to work and was thriving really well until I had a traumatic injury and returned suddenly. This recent bad injury, compounded the grief of loss of identity, work and purpose, postponing major life events, and dealing with his estate matters has made it really difficult. Some days I cry and grieve about him and others I get angry about his actions too. I recognise my father was from a dysfunctional family leading to narcissistic traits and this is why he couldn't show up for me but it doesn't dismiss the suffering caused by his actions or neglect. I understand there is strong attachment from a child to a parent which meant that when I told other people about his behaviours, they would often feel confused why I couldn't just cut him off completely and leave. It was a complex relational dynamic because my extended family connections were from my father and they were the only extra family support I had growing up so estranging would cause complications in those relationships too.

My partner understands my difficult childhood and the negative impacts of my parents who didn't have the capacity to support me emotionally and caused me harm. He helped me by visiting my father in hospital when I was estranged from him and allowing me to do what I needed for my self-respect. Now, as I am still grieving and dealing with after-death matters, he is supporting me by helping me with basic daily needs and checks on me to sleep regularly. As my grief is complex and compounded, I know he doesn't have the emotional capacity to reach the depth I need to discuss my grief, as he is dealing with his own daily stressors at work and relationships too. When I cry, I want him to sit by me and hold space for me even if it's just listening silently and giving me tissues. He feels at a loss at times as he is very empathic and feels pain when I am sad.

I am in the journey of integrating my grief and dealing with the multiple losses at the moment but I have found some solo activities that have helped:

Meditation, journaling, gratitude lists, somatic rhythmic actions (cooking, cleaning, exercise, etc), music, sitting in spaces with other people like in cafes or libraries

Navigating relationships and social dynamics has been difficult because most people find discomfort in difficult emotions, so I have become more selective in who I can talk about my grief to. I meet my therapist who has been helping me to find ways that work for my healing. Also the free 1:1 session PRF here felt validating as my grief was understood and I developed a focus for my recovery goals. I also called the WellWays Wellline (wellways.org) and the peer there gave me insight into their own healing and how I can navigate the disorienting nature of a visible injury and expressing my grief in a way so I don't have to ease others' discomfort when they ask how I'm doing. Also meeting with a friend who has had similar experiences and they can relate to these heavy topics.

I haven't tried all the things on this website yet, but I am looking forward to seeing how this can help me cope with this feeling of being stuck in my grief for the last few months. I hope that my insights here may give you some context into how your partner may be feeling and console and encourage you in your support. Don't forget to look after yourself and may your relationship strengthen as you both move through the grief.

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