Where and how do I start unravelling the mess that is me?

I'm under 30, diagnosed with depression/anxiety/stress disorder more than half my life. I was also diagnosed with ADHD, Autism and complex PTSD about 2 years ago and 3 progressive conditions impacting my spine causing chronic pain 24/7.

I had a very traumatic childhood, physical and sexual abuse, parents stealing us off one another and moving to different schools almost every year. I also got heavily in to drugs at the age of 15 and was around some pretty shady and nasty stuff (generally just surprised I survived it all) and still struggle with vaping, cannabis and alcohol use.

Every day feels like an endless war within myself just to keep myself alive. I don't even care if I die anymore and just live so I wont upset family and friends with my death, I'm scared of dying I just crave the nothingness I imagine it is. My circle of support is tiny, I'd say 3 people and none of them are close by and only 1 is in the same state. So it's just me and my cat.

I'm trying to quit cannabis and vaping, for financial reasons as well as feeling like I'm wasting away. It's so hard and it just feels like nothing is ever worth the effort anymore, but I want it to be. I want to get help but I just don't know where or how to start, I've been in councelling/therapy for a little over a decade and still feel like every day is the same. What can I do, who can I talk to. I can't afford a psych or fancy therapy but I can feel myself slipping into the darkness again and it's worse every time I do. I'm so bad at finding resources and making appointments and attending them because it all just gets so confusing and stressful and overwhelming immediately. Even this is too much and it's just typing out the basics of my history, not even the complex stuff, where can I go from here? Who can even help me? I feel like I'm losing myself