overwhelmed and emotionally drained.

Oh @jiggles

I'm sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Your post slipped by our radar

Firstly, you do not sound selfish at all. On the contrary, you've been so giving, that I think you may have forgotten to give a little for yourself. It's ok to want to look after yourself if you are feeling tired and worn out. If you're not caring for you, then who else is?

Setting boundaries can be really helpful. It can show your partner that certain behaviours have impacts and consequences, which can act as an incentive to make changes, boundaries also keep you safe. @3forme talks about a workship she did and how it helped here.

@Kiera80 went through a similar situation to you, where she was thinking of 'throwing in the towel and walking away'. In this discussion thread, you will see @Annabelle @SadMum @Alessandra1992 and @Espoir provide some advice about what you can do when you're feeling this way. Perhaps they can offer some advice, or you can contact them by using the '@' mention feature. Just type in '@' and beging to type the name of the user you want to contact and drop down list should appear with usernames. This only works on computers though, which means it won't work on your phone or tablet.

You might find this thread that I started about feeling pushed to your limits. In it @Purplewife talks about how changing expectations has been helpful.

Jiggles, welcome to the forums. I hope this helps. Let us know how it goes, please feel free to reach out and vent when you feel like it can help. You don't have to go through this alone.

CB

Hi @jiggles

Sorry for not replying sooner as well, it's been a tough week here.

Because it's been a tough week I can empathise with your feelings of frustration and being sick of crying.
In the thread that @CherryBomb pointed you towards, I talked about changing expectations a little. In that thread, I was referring to both my own and my partner's expectations. To be honest, I have found changing my own expectations harder than changing my partner's. For his, the strategies I mentioned like writing them down really helped. And then just being consistent, not slipping back into old habits.
But changing my mind - now that has been much harder! The guilt has sometimes been almost overwhelming and I think I can see that in your post, when you talk about feeling selfish. I have felt like the most selfish person alive as I've walked out of the house to go have coffee in the sun by myself, while he has been in the depths of depression. But then I feel better afterwards and I remember why it's important. And repeatedly doing this has made it easier for both of us, I think.
There's also an element of mental discipline for me - I have to constantly tell myself that stewing over him or our problems is not going to make him better, so what's the point? This helps give me a bit of mental space and respite, I suppose.
I don't want to sound like I've got it all figured out though - at the moment I'd say these strategies allow us to peacefully coexist in parallel lives, not actually live in a mutually supportive relationship. And I haven't been doing this anywhere near as long as you have. But I think it's a step in the right direction.
Most importantly - I got to this point with the help of a psychologist for me. Like you I didn't feel I had anyone to talk to and carrying the burden alone was so isolating. I know they're expensive and hard to get into but just having someone who only supports me feels so relieving.

Best of luck Jiggles. I'm sure the strength that has seen you through the past eight years will help see you through whatever comes.

I went to headspace and asked for a referral in the right direction ( I'm too old for their 25 year old clients) and because I work full time I will have to more than likely pay for a psychologist which because I'm swimming in debt it rules out that possibility. When he'd have a wig out attack , I used to Try and calm and placate him down and it just made things worse and he'd bite my head off . After 5 mins and calm again I used to ask " what do you expect me to say or do that will help you " and he says just to be quiet and let him ride it out because it just arks him up even more .... but the last 6 months he now yells at me for being silent. So now I cry instead... I'm sick of him throwing stuff around the house or deliberately smashing things and has cost us a lot of broken TVs and electronic stuff .... its an expensive lifestyle to keep up with... hence my debt. <br>The hardest part the last few months is when my days off were out and about and on the road and he gets triggered by another shitty driver or something and I fear being in the car with him. There is nothing to say to calm him down , there is nothing I can do... and if I asked him to pull over and let me out he will just go wrap his car around a tree. Pulled over by police a few days ago for speeding after already being ticked off. . And totally swore his head off at the cop and it was so humiliating. And while. The cop was checking details in his patroll car, he started punching and smashing the windscreen. This is the worst he's ever been. His regular doctor who we though was good turns out miss diagnosed him for a year and we found out he's actually diabetic and hence his sugar levels were contributin to his moods.. but now thats under control, his 6 free shrink appointments have run out and has to wait till later in the month to sit down with his new doctor ( they keep moving ) so can't just get another referral. . Has to go through paperwork and assessment again. I'm trying to get him sorted but it's a stuff around , so it leaves little time for taking care of myself. I'm the one to make all of his appointments and phone calls and chase up everything, otherwise he forgets or won't go to his appointments if I can't go with him as he gets anxit y. His hobby has caused complaints from the neighbours, im trying to get him to meet new people thru his hobby to get him more social and out of my hair to give me some space. .. He says I'm not his carer and by saying that makes him feel like he's a baby or a child but that's exactly how he behaves. I've tried to make him do things for himself and he can't. . I wish I had a housekeeper and a cook so it would give me time to myself ( what little time I have )

He could ring a centralised Intake and Assessment number if you live in Victoria. He may be eligible for a Mental Health Community Support Service package..or he may be able to self refer to a Phams (personal helpers and mentors) provider. To be eligible for phams which us federally funded you don't need a diagnosis. However, there may be a waiting list. @CherryBomb can you please post a link to the new mhcss intake and assessments numbers and catchment areas.. That is if people are interested for Victoria..
Also there are Community groups like Grow, and Adavic, depends on where you live.. I attended a carers group, really found it very helpful, Carers Victoria or Tandem may be able to direct you to one in your local area. Sometimes they are listed in local papers..meeting with others carers for people with mental health issues can really help reduce feeling isolated..good luck!!

Most certainly @Alessandra1992

Here's a link to the Victorian Mental Health Services by catchment areas. This link for the Australian Insitute for Health and Welfare might be a good resource too.

Hope this helps

We are in queensland . I find there's limited information out there .... For me trying to find support is ridiculous. A few times I had spoken withplaces like lifeline, beyond blue , etc... and all basically just tell me he needs to go see his doctor. I call for support for me yet they say in till he goes and gets treatment by the doctor there's no advice they can give... I like to keep animals around me as my companions.... we have a cat but we are fostering a dog which is like my child. Sometimes he gets annoyed with the dog coz it " looks at me funny" .. The animals are the things that I come home to at night who are excited to see me , ready to show love and affection and love me unconditionally without calling me names in a fit of anger ..... we can't have kids so they are literally like babies to me that I can mother and take care of and I know they appreciate me. I have started walking with a friend of ours once a week who also suffers from.depression and anxiety yet he has a more positive spin on life so ive been walking and venting and learning tools to help