feelingbetter15New Contributor
I miss my pa
Hey everyone- this will be one of those posts where I just say whatever comes out.
about 3 months ago I lost my pa. He was almost 90 and this is the worst thing I have ever felt. He was sick for most of my life (24 years) and he was so strong and got back every time. I can’t sleep in fear of having nightmares about the last day I saw him in palliative care. It was the worst day of my life. And the fact I have to experience this more with other loved ones especially grandparents actually is the most traumatic thing ever. I don’t know how to process this. I miss him so much. I can still hear how he says my name, talks about my uni and how I should always keep going.
i have absolutely no energy and basically forcing myself to go out. It concerns me that I have been cancelling things for myself like Pilates classes which I love going too. I just feel numb. And I’m scared to tell my family. The whole family is super odd and no one is close or talks about emotions. My mum doesn’t think how I feel is real. I think about that last day constantly, I literally can’t get it off my mind. I’m trying to think about other things and how good his life was but I can’t. My dad is telling me how much other grandparent has a fall and is unwell and I can’t even think about it or tell anyone about it because it comes real. I fear seeing my nanny because I can’t be at that place without feeling sick. I dont know why because it’s all great memories. I’m just sad, confused, and I feel like no one knows how I feel. No one at work asked if I was okay knowing this happening. Only my boyfriend asked. I just alone with such great emotional baggage. Sometimes I wish I had no one to miss, I know it sounds awful but again, I can’t go through this again. I dont know how I’ll make it out.
