Feeling overwhelmed and pressured to get married and have kids. I don't want to be married and not sure if I want to become a parent.

First of all, I completely respect others who want and choose to get married and/or have kids. Marriage and children can be a blessing in many ways, and I have nothing against that. I empathise with those who are struggling to conceive and also those in abusive relationships. Parenthood and marriage isn't always going to be perfect and I am aware of it.

However I do not appreciate being told consistently that I should/need to do the same. I am nearly 30, and my cousins, friends and co-workers are hitching and getting pregnant/birthing babies around me. My twin sister is also engaged, and she has openly expressed her wishes to become a mum. I am in a relationship with B for over a year, and I've been getting many intrusive comments/questions about when 'it's our turn.' The parents, the friends, the cousins, even strangers at work. It does not help that my family are Christians, and obviously family comes first.

I left the church when I was 23, and I do not have a good relationship with my family. I have distanced myself from them and been living with B and his mother. B's sisters have 4 kids, with another on the way. My mother had postpartum depression and she admitted that she only had me and J because she gave into pressure, but she hated being a parent. She was embarrassed when we cried and threw tantrums in public, to the point where she broke down in tears too. She also felt alone because all people would talk about were us, not checking in on her as a person. She was told that 'her depression wasn't normal because every woman naturally should love their kids.' She had taken her anger out on us in forms of emotional, verbal and ocassionally, physical. While my father wasn't angry and abusive, he was also a distant father, working long hours, giving us toys, games and money, but rarely spending time with us. Occassionally, we were looked after by aunts/uncles because of these things. She and my father also hated each other and consistently argued, but they stuck 'because it's for the kids and the family.' Growing up with this family dysfunction, and the trauma I have suffered from this, I have experienced mental health issues and anger problems, and fear that my kids would suffer the same trauma, and cut off from me, just as I have cut down contact on my own family. Also, I am very introverted and reserved, and to be honest, I have trouble bonding with people, including babies and young children. I struggle to entertain them and they quickly get bored of me, or ignore me. Which has happened with B's youngest niece (she's 4), who has admitted that she likes B's ex better. I know she's a kid, but that really stung me.

Ironically, these are the same parents who are now pressuring both of us to 'give them grandchildren', as they're getting older and frailer, and fear 'passing away without meeting their grandchildren'. That 'they gave birth to us, reared us, and it's only fair that we should be returning their favour. To continue the generation, to fulfil God's wishes.' If I don't, then I am selfish, I am betraying my own family, I am being ungrateful for all the things they have done for me, insulting those that struggle to conceive. That I'm not truly a woman.

J doesn't have a problem with this, but this really disgusted and alienated me, and with the rest of the family joining in, I don't want anything to do with this.

Especially that my family hates B and want me to 'find a more suitable partner', to return to the church and start spawning them babies. I'm angry that as a woman, my womb and my reproductive system are the centre of people's concerns. Not my career, not my voice, not my identity, interests or problems I deal with. I don't owe people happiness and believe that everyone is responsible for their own emotions, as I am with mine. It's a lifelong issue I am working on with my therapist, to process the lifelong trauma and regain control of my own life.

Even B, who is 10 years older than me, is leaning towards wanting children. While he is patient and reassuring me that there are older parents, this has still taken a toll on our relationship. I feel sick and overwhelmed, that this may signal that our relationship is breaking down, and I would have no where or no one to turn to, if we break up. After all, I am distanced from my family.

In spite of this, I do fear that I may regret not having children, when it gets too late. I know more people are having kids in their late 30s-40's. The problem is not when should I have kids. The problem is - do I even want to be a mother? Am I sure this would be the right decision if I got pregnant? Will I even have a good relationship with my kid? Am I going to get my stuff together and not feel so judged or scrutinised if my kid does something wrong, even something terrible?

I understand this is a very controversial topic and can divide people. This is in no way insulting married couples and parents. This is what I honestly feel, and I would appreciate empathy and thoughts/experiences.