Secrets

I have a similar problem with my son. He has been going really well on his medication but I've just found out he's been secretly smoking dope again. I really don't like the secrecy because it affects our relationship.

Hi @Sister

Welcome to the forums! You will find this a great place to connect with other like-minded people who are really caring, supportive, and just plain great!!

On reading your post, my thoughts are to look at the positives. And there are many. For example, since living with you, he has started on medication and lowered his drinking and seems to be doing a lot better. So even though you found him drunk the other night, he has been going well for a year now, and that's someting positive.

Another positive is he had a big cry the other night. Crying can often be a way to unload all our emotional 'garbage', and perhaps this is what he was doing. This could have been a real release for him to 'let go' of some of the things in the past that have been troubling him.

The next positive thing is that he felt comfortable enough around you to 'let down his guard' and have a cry. This shows that you must be a very caring person, and he obviously sees that in you.

In regards to the smoking, and for the reason just above, perhaps he does not want to disappoint you.

Maybe you could consider sitting down with him and explaining the positives as I have written above (and I'm sure you would know a lot more!!) and let him know that you love him and just don't want to see him hurt himself. Remind him of how far he has come and how proud you are of him. Tell him how much you would like to have a open relationship with him.

And see how that goes @Sister - and keep posting. You have friends here!! @Alessandra1992 @kato @PeppiPatty @olmate would all agree with me!!

Hobbit.

Hi @Sister

how have things progressed with your brother? Any more thoughts on how to handle the situation?

What I sense from your post is how much you care for your brother...I always encourage people to have conversations with their loved one, much in the same way as you have to us here on the forums.

i.e

'I'm really proud of you...'

'I'm scared that...'

'I'm worried that you are hiding things from me, I would never judge you.'

What I'm talking about here is 'I' messages, and the power this style of communication can have. The blurb below might help in understanding this concept if it is new to you;

I-messages are a way of communicating in conflict that is more likely to be helpful and less likely to escalate the conflict than alternative approaches (such as "you-messages.")

Users:

Anyone involved in a conflict where they can communicate directly to the other side.

Description:

One of the easiest ways to defuse an interpersonal conflict is to avoid accusatory or escalatory language. One way to do this is by using statements about yourself and your feelings (called "I-messages" because they start with "I feel" or "I felt") instead of "you messages" which start with an accusation --"you did this [bad thing]" or "you are [another bad thing]."

The Upside of I-Messages

In other words, if you say "I felt let down," rather than "You broke your promise," you will convey the same information. But you will do so in a way that is less likely to provoke a defensive or hostile reaction from your opponent.

You-messages suggest blame, and encourage the recipient to deny wrong-doing or to blame you back. For example, if you say "you broke your promise," the answer is likely to be "no, I didn't," which sets you up for a lengthy argument, or "well, you did too" which also continues the conflict.

I-messages simply state a problem, without blaming someone for it. This makes it easier for the other side to help solve the problem, without having to admit they were wrong (see, also, saving face). (Burgess, H. 2013)

Alternatively, if you still feel the issue is more about drug and alcohol use, and you would like some further support check out;

www. adin.com.au/

it is a directory of drug and alcohol services by state across Australia.

Keep us updated

I asked my brother if he had been drinking the alcohol. he said he hadnt. A few weeks later he asked me to get him something out of his cupboard and i saw all the empty bottles.

when this happened i think i just said i was upset that he didnt tell the truth about it. i think he said sorry and just brushed the whole thing off

we had a big fight the other day, about a whole lot of things and he said some really awful stuff that i was really offended by. A few days passed and then yesterday after a few solid days of ignoring him, i told him i was still really sad and he told me he didnt realise i was upset and that he was sorry for what he had said and done and i forgave him.

We agreed to try not to fight anymore and to be more respectful of eachother. I found out today that directly after we had that conversation he stole my bank card to buy cigarettes and this morning he used it again to buy alcohol.

when i confronted him about it he admitted it but said "it was only 30 dollars' like stealing from me was no big deal.

This whole thing is affecting me really bad. im worrying all the time. im not a happy person anymore and he makes me feel like im being crazy and over emotional whenever i get sad about his behaviour or whenever i try to talk to him. I feel like i need to tell my family about what he did but im afraid that once he really loses their trust he might not have a place to live anymore

Im driving myself into depression worrying about him and hes hardly even trying to help himself. he doesnt realise how much any of this is hurting me, or maybe he does and he just doesnt care?

Please help

Hey @Sister My father is an alcoholic and it can really take a toll on loved ones. It can be so painful, but try to remember that alcohol is an addiction and it's unlikely that your brother is deliberately trying to hurt you or that he doesn't care about your feelings.

I think it's really, really important that you take care of yourself and find support. Maybe you could talk to your GP or your therapist if you have one or even look into Al-Anon.