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Managing thoughts of suicide & self-harm

Ready to give up

LarrySmithContributor08 Aug 2026, 4:05 pm AEST

Ready to give up

Im unable to find a partner and have no friends or family because I am too ugly and gross. I was consistently told this throughout my childhood and have been told this as an adult. My parents never really wanted me. It would’ve been better if they’d given me up for adoption, but they preferred using me as a punching bag to take out their frustration on, caused by their own unresolved childhood trauma.

Interesting thing about that is they made me suffer FAR more than they suffered, and they had no problem doing it: they had free reign over me because the abuse went on behind closed doors. I learnt violence from watching my dad. When the CSA started at age 6, I started inflicting violence on others, I was already a monster. This continued in my 20s, 30s and forties.

now you can see clearly why I hate myself. Not only am I ugly, I’m sexually inadequate and I’ve got anger problems and I’m a dreadful person. My birth and extended family hate me (but for my appearance). I was never good enough for them or the opposite sex.

the crux of the problem though is that NOBODY wants to even speak with me (on tinder) let alone meet me in person, and it’s all because they’re either too scared or they’re ignorant. I refuse to live an entire lifetime of being hated, despised and unloved, but there don’t seem to be any ‘real’ safe places for extremely vulnerable people like me to meet a partner. If there was a dating site for the disabled, scammers would be all over it, looking to exploit and make some easy money, so that’s highly unlikely.

bottom line is I didn’t choose this life. No sane person would, but I’m ALWAYS prejudged. It’s just easier telling the truth, but it’s simply making me more distressed, because I’m always rejected.

do I need to lie or drip feed info? I outright refuse to lie about my childhood. I was completely powerless and I don’t deserve to be criticised or blamed. A young child is unable to make a properly informed decision. Why the f*ck should I be ashamed of something I had no say in?

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In response to: Ready to give up

AuntGlowModerator17 Aug 2026, 5:32 pm AEST

Re: Ready to give up

Hello @LarrySmith,

Just checking you got my last post? I am having some trouble tagging people, so just want to make sure you know I have responded!

Hoping you are feeling lighter today. 🫶

In response to: Ready to give up

LarrySmithContributor22 Aug 2026, 6:33 pm AEST

Re: Ready to give up

Thanks for the suggestions. I’m only starting to feel safe the past 3 years or so since I’ve had support from NDIS. At the end of the day they’re paid carers and, while they are the centre of my world, they’ve got their own separate lives, meaning I’m not as important to them as they are to me. I’m constantly expecting them to get tired of me and leave, as most people have done.

Im trying to be kinder to myself and distract myself instead of punishing myself more. I’ve got the voices of my parents in my head (from BPD my psych tells me) trying to convince me to end my life so it’s a constant battle to ignore their suggestions and instead give myself a break. The only thing that tends to help is being around other people, something I struggle with due to my own expectations around being rejected.

I've just continued the punishment and dying process started by my parents as a child. I’m aware that I’m doing this, but I’m still trying to get better. I’m giving DBT another shot as well.

I’m trying not to think too far ahead.

In response to: Ready to give up

LarrySmithContributor22 Aug 2026, 6:35 pm AEST

Re: Ready to give up

Thanks for the hugs 🤗

In response to: Ready to give up

RadderSenior Contributor03 Sept 2026, 4:07 pm AEST

Re: Ready to give up

Hi @LarrySmith, I just came across your post now. There is a lot of traffic and posts can quickly get pushed onto subsequent pages.

What you say does not make me uncomfortable - I appreciate your openness and frankness. They are positive qualities.

I also note you say "I refuse to live an entire lifetime of being hated", "I’m trying to change this" and "Why the hell should I have to lie?". Good on you for your perseverance and honesty. Yes, there is a lot of ignorance out there but that's their failing not yours. Sometimes we need to focus on what is within our control, vs what is outside of our control (e.g. the responses of others).

I'm a big believer in "it's not about what's wrong with you, but rather what happened to you". It's not the core you, it's the result of what happened.

Another good Blue Knot article explaining this is https://blueknot.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/29_BK_FS_TowardsRecovery_DEC23.pdf

You may want to consider calling their support line to get some strategies and support.

You are also not alone - perhaps try the peer group https://supportgroup.mhfa.org.au/trauma-and-ptsd-support-group

Please let us know your thoughts.

In response to: Ready to give up

RadderSenior Contributor04 Sept 2026, 4:59 pm AEST

Re: Ready to give up

Hi @Larrysmith, re your earlier post "I’ve got the voices of my parents in my head trying to convince me to end my life" ....

The Hearing Voices Movement's view is that voices speak in metaphors - e.g. those sort of statements could be more about needing to discard the damaged part of your life and develop a healthier one.

The strongest HV movement in Australia is Voices Vic: https://www.unitingvictas.org.au/services/mental-health/hearing-voices-support/

There is also a MFHA support group: https://supportgroup.mhfa.org.au/hearing-voices-support-group.

Understanding Voices from Durham University U.K. may also be helpful: https://understandingvoices.com

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