Ready to give up

Hey @LarrySmith

It sounds like there is a lot going on for you right now as you reflect on your childhood and the abuse you endured. I can hear this has led to some challenging thoughts towards yourself and it sounds really difficult to be feeling like no one wants to speak with you or give you a chance. You deserve to feel heard and understood, and to be given a chance by others. It must be disheartening to feel like you haven't had that chance.

I am glad you took the time to share these feelings with the community here. If there is anything that the community can do to support you tonight, please don't hesitate to share this! Sometimes, just having a space to let those hard feelings out and know that someone is listening can be really valuable.

Take the night gently

Hi @LarrySmith,

I just wanted to check in with you after reading your post. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot for a very long time, and I’m really sorry you've had experiences that have left you feeling so rejected and alone

I’m concerned about how you're feeling, particularly after what you've shared with us, and I want to make sure you're okay. You deserve to be heard and supported, and I'm glad you've reached out to the community

How are you feeling today? Are you safe at the moment?

Hi

i feel a bit flat and hopeless but that’s nothing new. I don’t feel like hurting myself or anyone else. I got some sleep so I’m in a better state than yesterday. If I don’t sleep for more than 5 nights, I often end up in emergency, so sleep is a big deal. What causes the most distress is how and what I think of myself. To be totally honest, I’m surprised you published my first post, because most people refused to talk to me after I told them what I’ve been through. People like to watch violence, even on a defenceless child, but few choose to act on it and report it. In my experience, people would rather record on their phones as bystanders than intervene.

There are a lot of sick, uncaring people out there, but I’m the sickest person I know of personally. I’m the only person I know of who’s completely socially incapacitated: I’ve got zero social skills, prone to angry outbursts as well as my physical defects. Proof of my incapacity is in the fact that I’m unwanted and have never fit in or been accepted anywhere. I don’t know of anyone else with more self hatred. Everywhere I look I see triggers or reminders: couples holding hands or any show of affection.

when asked about myself, I start by telling people why I am the way I am: why I’m so quiet, shy and socially withdrawn and then I ALWAYS get either blocked or ignored. Why the hell should I have to lie? But I’ve been wearing a mask my whole life, pretending to be happy or laugh, when I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I wanna be able to look a person in the eye and be honest. Nothing about the way I’ve turned out can be blamed on poor choices or lifestyle; none of that matters to an observer. I just feel that if I explain to them why I am the way I am, then I’m less likely to be rejected. I don’t know if drip feeding traumatic information would work? I don’t know how to make myself more acceptable after society has told me that I’m physically unacceptable. Eventually people see me from what I am though, which is the lost cause and I say this after having tried therapy for 12 years, and most of the medications that could be prescribed for mental health without any noticeable improvement. Meds help, but there’s always a gap of untreated and uncontrolled symptoms which have made my life totally unlivable. @Nala2022 @pangolin

I’m guessing nobody will have any useful advice for me because nobody else has found themselves in a similar or as bad a position. Services tend to tell me I’m too complex. Nobody knows what to do with me, and that includes my psychiatrist, social worker and the NDIS

Hi @LarrySmith

I’m sorry I’m only getting back to you now, I’ve just come across your posts from a couple of days ago.

I’m glad you were able to get some sleep and were feeling a little better at the time. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot for a very long time, and I can understand how exhausting and hopeless it must feel when you’ve tried so many different supports and still feel like you’re being told you’re “too complex”.

It also sounds like being rejected or misunderstood after opening up about your experiences has had a huge impact on how you see yourself. You’re not a lost cause, even if it feels that way sometimes

I’m glad you felt able to share here, and I hope you continue to feel comfortable reaching out to the community when you need some understanding or connection

Thanks for your reply and for acknowledging the way I’ve been treated. It seems nobody else has had a similar experience to me or that nobody has noticed my posts. No likes or replies. am I being too impatient or are my expectations unrealistic?

I guess given what I write about and what I think of and how I feel about myself, I shouldn’t be surprised. I seem to pick the very worst things about myself to tell people. I think I do this because I expect to be rejected (borderline behaviour?). I wish I could function socially, you know: speak to people I know, smile, laugh, make friends, even have a partner. I don’t know what else to tell people - I was raised to hate myself. I’m trying to change this, but I don’t have any real evidence or see anything about myself to suggest that I’m a good person, so all I’ve got are some affirmations my counsellor gave me which are stuck on my wall and a few NDIS workers that do care about me, but they get paid, so they’re not my friends.

Hi @LarrySmith ,

I can understand why the lack of replies or likes might make you wonder whether you’re being impatient or expecting too much, especially when you already expect rejection from people. But it doesn’t necessarily mean people haven’t noticed or don’t care, sometimes people simply don’t know what to say

It sounds like you’ve carried those negative beliefs about yourself for a very long time, and being raised to hate yourself can have such a lasting impact. I think it’s really important that you’re trying to challenge those beliefs now, even if it’s difficult to see the positives in yourself yet

And although your NDIS workers are paid to support you, that doesn’t make their care or concern for you any less genuine 🫶

Just a little practical tip too, if you want to reply to a particular member, putting @ in front of their username will notify them that you’ve mentioned them in a post

I’m glad you’ve continued sharing here, even when it feels difficult

You’ve been very kind which I appreciate. And thanks for responding. Nearly all of what I say makes others uncomfortable, but I don’t know any other way to be. My mum told me this and I agree with her. The lack of responses or likes tells me that nobody else has found themselves in as bad a situation as me and this reminds me that I’m all alone and will likely die alone.

I'm tired of calling crisis lines like lifeline and I reckon they probably are tired of listening to me. I don’t know of anyone who enjoys being around someone like me whose only really attainable goal is to die. I’m really trying to change, but I don’t know how.

I really appreciate the attention from the moderators on here. I’ve always been starved of it along with proper care and affection. I honestly don’t wanna be like this :(

You all must be very strong to listen to someone else’s distress and still respond with warmth and compassion :)

Hello @LarrySmith 🫶

We are absolutely here for you and we're so glad that you are sharing your story.

What stood out here is how you mentioned that you're really trying to change, but you're still figuring out the best healing strategies for you - and this tells me that with more exploration and support, things can shift and change over time.

I know that nurturing ourselves and shifting our thought patterns can feel incredibly challenging when we have experienced abuse, but please also know that neuroplasticity research shows how our brains are capable of big change. And the more experiences you have of safety, both within yourself and with others, the more those pathways can be strengthened.

This video explains this idea a bit more: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12-JCuiXcUQ

You can also find more information on healing through trauma and access further support through Blue Knot Foundation:

https://blueknot.org.au/article-library/what-are-the-effects-of-trauma-on-the-brain/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23793365979&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIirGGtsSklgMVwJJmAh0zBxs-EAAYASAAEgIg0fD_BwE

I hope this helps! Please let me know what you think.

Sending big hugs your way. 🥰