I Need Help!!

Omg you just described me. I also have c-ptsd, profound deppression, chronic anxiety and agoraphobia. I find it sooo difficult to leave my house that I rarely do. Today I left my house because I had to go and pick up my medication and have my injection. I was literally shaking like a leaf, heart pounding out of my chest, struggling to breath and the world kept spinning. I got in the uber and the doors locked.

Content/Trigger warning: Sexual abuse

That sound instantly sent me through time and space to being 13, abducted and taken to the bush and raped. I could see my rapists face, feel the heaviness of his body on top of me, smell the alcohol on his breath and hear the crickets in the background.

Then the driver brings me back to reality when he asks me if im okay and tells me to breath.

Content/Trigger warning: Death

Then I get to the hospital and as I'm walking the smell of disinfectant instantly took me back to being in the morgue, I could feel the coldness of my dead husbands lips as I kissed him. I could hear my voice begging him to wake up, I could smell the disinfectant really strong. I could even hear the lady telling me his gone and my screams as they dragged me off his body.

Suddenly its back to reality im just standing in the middle of the hospital with everyone staring at me (i have to get a monthly injection at the hospital, that's why I was there) someones asking me if I'm okay but again I'm finding it hard to breath, feel like I'm having a heart attack the worlds spinning again. But I can't let anybody know or they'll force me back into the psych ward. So I tell them I'm fine. Then I have to get another uber to the chemist but I'm petrified of getting in the car. I cant just stay there, if a doctor or nurse sees me in that state I'm screwed. I haven't slept for longer than half an hour at a time in months, I'm soo exhausted but my nightmares keep waking me up and making it impossible to fall back to sleep. I have no friends, live alone and my husband died three years ago. Nobody ever calls me. Every time an ambulance goes past I'm again suddenly in a my old house hold my dying husband in my arms and begging him not to leave me.

Content/Trigger warning: Traumatic incident

If I hear a kid crying in my building then suddenly I'm 16 years old again watching as they take my baby off me and shes screaming and reaching out for me but some nasty woman is holding me back and as I fall to the floor I know I'm never going to see my baby again.

Its getting really hard to tell whats real and whats a flashback when I can literally see hear and feel myself in past situations that seem like there happening in the moment. I find myself pacing the kitchen floor for 14 hours straight, totally absorbed in racing thoughts of impending doom. I pace for so long the pads on the bottom of my feet get so bruised and swollen from waking back and forth on the tiles that I can barely walk for days afterwards. I've been medicated for years and ive been through psychologists and told to breath and all that crap but none of it helps. I was locked up in the psych ward for six months with really insane people driving me crazy. One guy believed he was a lizard and crawled around on the floor looking amazingly like a lizard because he had the movements spot on. Every time he looked at me he would flicker his tongue and then scurry away. Another guy just kept hiding behind tables or around corners sticking just his eyes and top of his head out to watch me. Even though I was the most sane person there by far and they'd already taken my shoelaces and the cords of my dressing gown and I was checked every 15 minutes, for some reason they paid someone to sit next to me and watch me 24 hours a day. They weren't nurses or mental health professionals, just an "aid" that would sit there right next to me and watch me. They wouldnt talk to me or anything most of the time they didnt even speak English properly. It would just be people working in shifts to sit there right next to me and just watch me. If I went to the dining room or lounge area they would follow me. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and still they were just watching me. It was really annoying. Even when I went to the toilet id have to leave the door partially open and if I was in there longer than a minute and they couldn't hear me peeing or thought I was taking too long washing my hands they would just come in. It was bad enough being in the psych ward, with crazy people but to have someone watching me 24 hours a day was infuriating. Nobody else had this extra worker following them and staring at them but not saying anything. I realised after six months that the only way I could get out was by telling them what they wanted to hear. Now i have to lie to my doctors and tell them I'm fine (luckily my doctors appointments are over the phone) or they just put me in a psych ward and take control of my finances. And force me to take drugs that give me terrible side effects. Im already on like seven meds I dont want any more stilupid side effects. Anyway sorry for going on and on, but I literally have Nobody to talk to. I go for months without speaking to a single person and nobody cares anyway. So it's really exiting to find someone with the same diagnosis as me. Enough about me. How are you? Are you okay? Do you need to talk?