TW: Healing Is Not Linear

Hi

I have decided to pop on to the forums again after dedicating the past year to my studies as a university student.

I am doing really well. Some days are harder than others, but that's OK. This year will mark seven years since I was last detained under the Mental Health Act (and placed into an acute psychiatric ward three times in one year), and six years since I last faced legal troubles. To say that I am extremely proud of myself is a severe understatement, especially as I was clearly heading down the wrong path in life. Over the past seven years, I have been compliant with my medication, and I have been actively involved in receiving treatment from a community mental health clinic. I was initially referred to the clinic in 2019 after developing psychosis/erotomanic delusions over someone I fancied, but did not have the courage to ask out on a date. I thought this person was the most good-looking person that I had ever come across, and I could not understand how someone so attractive could exist. This person admitted that they 'liked me', but it had only dawned on me today (seven years later) that they did not 'like me' enough the pursue a relationship with me. This is probably due to the fact that I engaged in stalking behaviours towards them, something that I feel incredibly ashamed, disgusted, but most importantly remorseful about. I simply could not handle the fact that this person was not looking for the kind of relationship that I was looking for - a romantic one.

As I reflect on my healing journey, I often think about how I should have listened to, and taken into account the advice that the police officers involved in the situation offered me, along with my family and the Doctors that made up my treating team. In 2026, I still get emotional over this whole situation. I often think about how much of my youth was wasted - but then my rational brain kicks in and I cannot help but think, 'was it wasted'? I am also clean from my stalking addiction - and it was an addiction that I was having extreme difficulty opening up to people about in fear of being crucified for it. So, please be gentle with your responses. I am also at peace with my past. I have now taken full accountability for my behaviour, and I am trying to be more gentle on myself. I am a university student who will graduate from a pathways program at the end of the year. I have achieved almost straight HDs (in school terms, HDs are equivalent to As), and next year, I will start my undergraduate degree in the social sciences field. I am repairing my relationships with friends and family - the very people who suffered from this as much as I did. I want to support people who are like me, and to help them get back on track in life.

I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and autism spectrum disorder, and I am still receiving treatment from the community mental health centre. That's OK.

Please note that I am not in any way, shape or form trying to condone or promote the toxic behaviours I engaged in over the years.