Hard place

@Whaledone1234

Just want to reassure you that that’s a super common thing for people to experience after abuse. So much so that it has its own term, fawning (which is recognised as a stress response along with fight, flight, freeze, etc.).

I’ll be interested to hear what suggestions others have for coping with it. The fact that you’re seeing a psychologist is really good. I’d encourage you to ask them about it too. Are there any small ways you could express your preferences/opinions in low-stakes situations?

Hoping you’re able to be compassionate to yourself, knowing that it’s a super common thing to have to work through after abuse. For anyone who’s been through abuse, we often find that, when the situation changes, we now want and/or need to change the patterns that helped us cope while we were in the abusive situation. It can be really hard, but you aren’t alone.

Thank you for your response @Wintersweet. I've been seeing psychologists and psychiatrists for 15 years and I dont think I've ever heard about fawning. Googling it I almost cried. It's exactly me. People pleasing, mirroring people to fit in, and ultimately a loss of identity.

I feel like I seek relationships where I am able to 'fawn' as it gives me a feeling of meaning or purpose. I don't know if that makes sense?

@Whaledone1234

I’m so sorry no-one ever explained it to you before. Hopefully having words for it and knowing that other people experience it too is helpful 💛

Seeking relationships that mimic old dynamics is also really common. I know for some people it can be a subconscious way of trying to rewrite the story, hoping for a different ending. For others I think it can be that what is familiar feels safe in some way. For others it might be an identity thing. I’m sure people also experience combinations of the above and other reasons too. Just know that it’s also common and it makes sense.

Also, even though learning new ways to relate is super worthwhile, it makes sense that it would take time, even once you know what’s happening and why. If expressing your needs, preferences, and opinions wasn’t safe, or if suppressing those was necessary to maintain connection, it makes sense that big sudden changes might feel overwhelming. May you be able to find small ways to give yourself the experience that it is safe now. That might not be possible with every person, but there are people who will not only allow you to express what you need/feel/want/think but who will actually value it. I know I value hearing you share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings.

Hey, iv been seeing a psychologist for a decent amount of time now but we just started with the abuse, nothing in major detail, I answered some questions (he weirdly) has the ok to do that. No tears, fairly blunt like I was talking about a movie or something. Once I was out his door with all the yep no worries, take it easy crap the tears were rolling before I got out the front door. Very confused n scared of what's to come yet & the look on his f ing face if I tell him the worst

I've already picked up how some words are used here to explain things in ways iv never read, heard before, n no chance of coming up with myself Thank You all

Hi @WannabeFree

You have been processing a lot of feelings and experiences, it is so great you have started the process with a psychologist, the role of therapy is to support the unpacking of the deepest pains we experience. Try to trust the process, it takes time to build safety in the space and the more you share the safer it will become.

Be kind to yourself

Mindee

Hey @WannabeFree I find I can't help but fight the tears during a therapy session. They come up most sessions but I manage to keep it to a few whimpers. The way the therapist looks at me and talks to me I think they are really encouraging me to lose control and let the emotions flow in front of them. One occasion which was the most I ever went in to the details reliving childhood trauma with a therapist I completely lost it. I cried like I was a 10 year old again and couldn't stop. Usually, like you I make it to the car and then lose it privately on the drive home.

Yes, this is a survival strategy.

I have the same problem.

Also trying to solve this, so my identity is not tied to external environments and people, but it is how we got through what we have!

I would say, keep a journal. What do you enjoy? What are your strengths? How can you use this independently of others (e.g. hobbies in your sole time)?

Do things to connect with your true nature - it's in there.

Stay kind and compassionate with yourself. Observe and reflect, each day is an opportunity to learn more about yourself!

@Whaledone1234

Sorry, I missed that you’d replied!

Detaching from the experience when talking about it, only to be flooded afterwards is super common. Have you let your psych know that’s what happens? It’s ok to ask them to start with building tools so that you’re better resourced before talking about the trauma.

Have you come across BlueKnot? They might also be a good resource as they support people with complex trauma without asking you to talk about the trauma itself if you don’t want to.

Hey @ChasingOneself  I find my identity is absolutely tied to external factors. Trying to find me and what makes me me. Wish I could be myself and not worry so much about making everyone else happy. Taking on everyone else's problems is exhausting. I really can't wait for my next psychologist appointment. I wish I could go more often but thats not financially possible.