The grief of losing family

Has anyone here had to grieve family members who are still alive?

Lately, I've been thinking about this a lot. Sometimes I catch myself hoping that one day my mum will apologise, and that my siblings will be there for me in a healthy and supportive way. But deep down, I know that if that were going to happen, it probably would have by now. Accepting that is heartbreaking.

I miss my dad a lot. He passed away 5 years ago, and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I just have started to feel more at peace with it now. My dad was probably the healthiest relationship I had within my family, but it was complicated too. He had depression and his own ups and downs. When he was doing well, he was a great dad to me as a child and made me feel loved and cared for. But when he was struggling, he wasn't able to be there for me.

The grief for family who are still alive is a different kind of pain. There is no goodbye, no funeral, just the slow acceptance of what may never be. As some of you here on SANE already know, through therapy I have gained a lot of insight into my life. I’ve come to understand that I lived with abuse for much of my life, and that my family can’t be there for me in the way I need them to be. For my own wellbeing, I made the incredibly difficult decision to go no contact with my mum. It was the right choice, but it came with a lot of grief. My brother slowly drifted away too, and this has been the longest we’ve gone without speaking. He didn’t even wish me a happy birthday this year. Later, after I expressed how hurt I was that he no longer contacts me, my sister mentioned that they speak every day which was heartbreaking. I am still somewhat in contact with my sister, but our relationship is complicated. Often our conversations leave me feeling hurt and retraumatised.

I have come to the realisation that, somehow, I have moved forward. My psychologist often reminds me to look at how far I’ve come, that I’m now in a safe and supportive environment, and that I’m building a life that is so much healthier than the one I came from. I’m incredibly grateful for that. But it still hurts a lot. Whenever someone talks about spending time with their family etc, I feel a wave of grief. I try my best to smile and listen, and to be happy for them, but inside it's just heartbreaking. I hope one day I'll feel better about this.

I've been in regular therapy for more than a year now, and it has helped me so much. Asking for help was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Recently, I also started medication after my symptoms became too overwhelming, and I'm grateful I found the courage to ask my GP for extra support. Between therapy and medication, I’m slowly starting to feel calmer and have more moments where I feel more happy and hope. It has also helped me transition back into work.

For those of you who have experienced something similar, do you have any advice? What helps you through those moments when the sadness feels overwhelming? Thank you so much for reading my story. It became a bit longer than I expected, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it and share this space with me.