ShasanSenior Contributor
Struggling with grief as I cannot be around my husband with ADHD
I feel so emotionally exhausted to even write this note but I really needed some support or advice by those who've been in a similar situation.
My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD in his 40s however I've managed it for him for 15 years unknowingly but just coincidentally as I come from a troubled home where I had to be really resilient and parent parents etc etc.
But the biology has caught up - I'm going through a few health issues myself and it's impossible to handle the sensory overload, emotional isolation, and nervous system hijack anymore.
We love each other and I want to be kind and understanding but there's absolutely no way I can have even one peaceful dinner outside or with common friends as I'm so so frozen by sensory overwhelm or lack of planning/inconsiderate behaviours before I've even met anyone. Then I have to mask my annoyance the entire time but ppl will obviously pick up on the domestic issues and he gets to be the oblivious, energetic husband while I'm the mean wife as no one sees all of the behaviours that have pushed me to that point!
I understand that it's not his choice, he's not doing it to annoy me, it's not personal, I have so much compassion and empathy but I'm absolutely no good to him or anyone if my nerves are overwhelmed and frozen!
I used to feel terrible about this Behrs we knew his diagnosis but I'd feel so much better when he was away on work trips and physically absent for a few days!!! I hated this and wondered what was wrong with me etc but oh man! I cannot explain to anyone who's not already experiencing this - it's a horrible feeling of guilt, Empathy, self preservation, and relief!
I'll find a counsellor to process all this with but how are some others here doing it with an inattentive hyperactive ADHD partner? I've cptsd myself and anxiousness and health issues that affect mood and energy that I'm getting help with but it's become impossible to just manage around the behaviours anymore as my body has just reached the maximum tipping point, burning out with very low tolerance.
Only thing that helps is to stop talking, stay outside the house, and fully focus on my self-care, and let him manage his own life and choices even though some of them are impulsive and gives me more anxiety! Unless it's dangerous which mostly it's not, I'm learning to fully step back because he's got a support system now, started his stimulants low dose.
If your partners are on ADHD medication, have you seen symptoms improve on the low dose? How long might it usually take and does the hyperactivity, impulsive, rushed, stressed behaviour ever reduce with medication or is that all through therapy?
I deeply apologise to anyone with ADHD reading this - please know that this may not apply to you or your partner as my partner might also have attachment issues from growing up with a very narcisstic parent and financial hardships. Everyone's ADHD is different so please don't compare or think your partners might feel this way. Please check with your partners if you'd like to ask where they could use some more help. Lot of love.
