Any single part-time mums out there?

Hello @M0ggyBazar, my situation is a bit different but I was faced with the situation of having to relinquish my rights to my oldest child due to an ex partner that I moved in with. At the time I was young and had no idea what the word even meant whilst going through court. That being said even when my other child was taken from me at birth for the same reason and then placed with my mother I then chose to support her having care of my children as that's the only place they'd ever known and to remove them from that would have been extremely detrimental. Yes it hurt like hell as I love my children more than anything, but I had to put their needs above my own, knowing that I'd still be a huge part of their lives just in a different way.

Even though you're making the decision to move away it doesn't mean that you can't be a part of your sons life, things will just look a little differently for you both. Maybe you could set up regular calls or video calls with them so you can still keep in touch, even sending things to each other through the mail could be something to do.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you've put alot of thought into this decision and I hope it helps you move forward with things in the future.

Thinking of you and sending hugs if you'd like them ❤️.

@M0ggyBazar i completely understand that hurt and guilt even when you know it's the right decision to make. I very much went through that stage of wanting to take them and run but it would have destroyed all of us in the long run. My kids are now 19 and 18 so they are adults themselves, they don't hold anything against me for the decisions I made with regards to their care. As they were growing up we were like an extended family, I didn't miss the milestones and firsts of things, I still got to be involved in their lives, I just wasn't the primary caregiver.

Who knows what the future holds for you both, things can always change and just because your son isn't with you now doesn't mean that it might not be different in the future.

Know that you're not alone, we're here for you ❤️. Thankyou for the hugs ☺️.

Hi @M0ggyBazar

You are not alone.

I want to gently push back on the word selfish. What I hear is not a mum who does not care. I hear a mum who has been running on fumes, with guilt sitting in the passenger seat giving unhelpful directions and eating all the good snacks.

Being a part time mum does not make you a part time loving parent. It means the structure around parenting looks different. The love is still full time.

A move interstate is a big thing, and it makes sense that it brings grief, guilt and hope all in the same messy basket. Sometimes the practical choice is not the tidy story we wish we had. It is the choice that helps us become steadier, safer and more able to show up. That does not erase the sadness. It just means the sadness is not the whole truth.

One thing that may help is separating guilt from responsibility. Guilt says, I am a terrible mum. Responsibility says, I love my child, this is hard, and I can still build a way to stay connected. Guilt mostly just bangs pots and pans in the kitchen of your mind. Responsibility actually helps cook dinner.

The practical bits that might help are the simple, repeatable ones.

1. Keep contact predictable, even if it is small.

A regular call, a bedtime voice note, a postcard, a shared game, or the same silly joke each week can become a little bridge between homes.

2. Make the message to your child steady.

Something like, I love you, this is not your fault, the adults are sorting the adult things, and I am still your mum.

3. Keep adult stress out of the child lane as much as possible.

That does not mean pretending everything is perfect. It means not asking your child to carry the suitcase marked adult pain. That suitcase is far too heavy and probably has a broken wheel anyway.

4. Put the practical plan somewhere outside your head.

Contact days, school updates, visits, birthdays, holidays, photos, and who passes on important information. Brains under stress are not filing cabinets. Mine is more like a drawer full of old batteries and mystery keys.

5. Let the move be part of a wellbeing plan.

A new state on its own might not fix everything, but a new state plus support, routine, treatment, rest, connection and realistic expectations can become a much stronger foundation.

Please do not measure your love by the distance between houses. Measure it by the care you keep putting in, the honest repair you keep making, and the steadiness you keep building.

You are still his mum. Not the perfect movie version with matching linen and endless emotional availability. The real human version. The one trying, aching, loving, adjusting and still showing up in the ways she can.

That counts. A lot.

Sitting beside you in this, with no judgement and possibly a cup of tea strong enough to stand a spoon in.

Hi @M0ggyBazar

You are not alone.

I want to gently push back on the word selfish. What I hear is not a mum who does not care. I hear a mum who has been running on fumes, with guilt sitting in the passenger seat giving unhelpful directions and eating all the good snacks.

Being a part time mum does not make you a part time loving parent. It means the structure around parenting looks different. The love is still full time.

A move interstate is a big thing, and it makes sense that it brings grief, guilt and hope all in the same messy basket. Sometimes the practical choice is not the tidy story we wish we had. It is the choice that helps us become steadier, safer and more able to show up. That does not erase the sadness. It just means the sadness is not the whole truth.

One thing that may help is separating guilt from responsibility. Guilt says, I am a terrible mum. Responsibility says, I love my child, this is hard, and I can still build a way to stay connected. Guilt mostly just bangs pots and pans in the kitchen of your mind. Responsibility actually helps cook dinner.

The practical bits that might help are the simple, repeatable ones.

1. Keep contact predictable, even if it is small.

A regular call, a bedtime voice note, a postcard, a shared game, or the same silly joke each week can become a little bridge between homes.

2. Make the message to your child steady.

Something like, I love you, this is not your fault, the adults are sorting the adult things, and I am still your mum.

3. Keep adult stress out of the child lane as much as possible.

That does not mean pretending everything is perfect. It means not asking your child to carry the suitcase marked adult pain. That suitcase is far too heavy and probably has a broken wheel anyway.

4. Put the practical plan somewhere outside your head.

Contact days, school updates, visits, birthdays, holidays, photos, and who passes on important information. Brains under stress are not filing cabinets. Mine is more like a drawer full of old batteries and mystery keys.

5. Let the move be part of a wellbeing plan.

A new state on its own might not fix everything, but a new state plus support, routine, treatment, rest, connection and realistic expectations can become a much stronger foundation.

Please do not measure your love by the distance between houses. Measure it by the care you keep putting in, the honest repair you keep making, and the steadiness you keep building.

You are still his mum. Not the perfect movie version with matching linen and endless emotional availability. The real human version. The one trying, aching, loving, adjusting and still showing up in the ways she can.

That counts. A lot.

Sitting beside you in this, with no judgement and possibly a cup of tea strong enough to stand a spoon in.

I'd already been crying when I logged on to this beautiful message.

You're right, the guilt is rather like pots and pans banging around. The ache and grief is extraordinary sometimes. I've purposefully kept this from my boy as he is audhd (gee, wonder where he gets it from lol) and also has anxious attachment issues, so I'm not sure how to handle those. He refuses to get in touch with me (or his dad) when we're separated because he says he misses me too much, which breaks my heart for him even more. His dad and I have started discussing things around visitation, etc, so there is a little hope there. My feelings around another woman raising my son is beyond words, especially with her being a person I intensely dislike for various reasons. That said, I will be letting my boy know that he is very much loved, that he has "mum 1" and "mum 2", as well as his dad and 2 step-siblings. Sometimes one has to surrender to these things whether you like it or not. It was hard enough giving him to his dad full-time.

I'm doing my best to be gentle with myself around this, but it can be so hard. I've lost just about everything in the last two years since my ex and I parted company, and this feels like a final straw, so to speak. The loss and grief is hard, but I'm working through it as best I can on limited funds and limited access. I am hoping that the move will help with that too.