@CheerBear,
Thank you so much for coming to visit me in the ocean. I guess you hitched a ride on the boat that @TheVorticon sent out.
'The body keeps the score' is an awesome book. The author, Bessel Van Der Kolk is considered a world leader in the treatment of trauma. His work is exactly the sort of thing I am looking for, and what I believe much of the future of mental health treatment will look like. I'm glad you are reading it. I should borrow it again from the library and we can read it together.
@CheerBear...I want to be a helping person too, but I don't know how. I keep thinking about how much I would like to become a psychologist, but I just can't see myself getting through the registration process. Then I wonder if I am more suited to doing a PhD and changing the world that way. I don't know. All I know is that there are SO MANY bad helping people out there. I know I could do a better job...if I could just get through the process. It feels so cruel that I have my degree, and yet now I am stuck.
I love that I get to sit on your desk with squishy and Mr Seahorse. When your brain is all better and you are back at uni (as you most definitely will be one day), I will watch over you and make sure you stay focused rather than procrastinating when it comes to assignment writing. 
I have four more of these assignments to mark. FAR OUT!!!!!! I had NO IDEA that university students could write so badly. The higher education system has become a total joke. I feel kind-of sad and angry about it. The whole idea of a degree has been dumbed down so much, it really isn't worth anything anymore.
I'm so glad you are in my world, yet not. I am seeing (A) first thing tomorrow morning and I am super anxious about it. It is so bewildering and so scary. I like her and I have a strong attachment to her...and yet I know she is doing me harm. How can I possibly be in this situation after getting away from my abusive therapist, (F).
(A) and I came up with a plan last week that I was to make up a sign to give her when I am triggered (a big part of the issue is that I lose my words). I've done that, and I've also made up cards with all the different events/thoughts I could think of that may be the thing that's been triggered, so (A) doesn't have to try and figure it out. @CheerBear...there are fourteen of them. Fourteen different things that could be the thing that floods my brain with big feelings when (A) says something. I guess that's why it's called "complex" trauma.
I feel really scared and hopeless. Looking at all these cards, I'm wondering if I'm being stupid thinking that this is fixable. I think it COULD be, if only I could find a therapist who could look at it all as the big muddle that it is, and then figure out a plan to unmuddle it. I can see that (A) isn't that therapist...and I don't have the emotional or financial resources to find the right one.
I also wrote (A) a letter, which I will give her tomorrow. In it, I have identified what I think might be part of our issue. I think perhaps she is focusing on my behaviour, rather than on what is driving the behaviour. That is, she seems to be focused on trying to get me to not go into crisis when triggered (which actually looks like me rocking, shaking, stimming, headbanging, clawing at my face etc.). In contrast, I want to HEAL the trauma so that I don't GET triggered. The triggering hurts SO much. It feels like my whole body is exploding. (A) seems to want me to...well...I don't know what exactly, when that happens. I want to heal the trauma so that it doesn't happen. I think this is a pretty major point of difference between us. Sigh...
Anyway, I am going to snuggle back into my shell, to ride out another night on this stormy ocean. I simply don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found the forums. I seriously doubt I would have made it this far. I am so very grateful that you are my not-friend.
@Former-Member can you please check in so that I know you are watching over the ocean tonight. It helps me so much to know that you can see me even though I am so very VERY far out to sea.
Night.
Goodnight little turtle.
