Riding a wave

Morning @Phoenix_Rising

I'm happy to see that you are getting some support from the lovely @Zoe7, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @TheVorticon and @NikNik.

I'm sorry that you wrote a long and considered response that was helpful for you and that it vanished. That is so annoying and heart-breaking as well after thinking about your response, particularly with the waves you're riding at the moment.

I just wanted to let you know that I am swimming around in the lovely warm and colourful coral reefs if you still want to talk it out. You are not alone

(Nemo is for you )

Hi @NikNik,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long post and respond. I super appreciate it. But...your response is about a bazillion miles from where I am at. That's ok, I still super like you...but is it ok if I talk out my big feelings?

You described how you didn't fit with the first psychologist you met. This isn't my first psychologist @NikNik. I had one therapist for two years back in 1997/99. He dumped me after I attempted suicide. Then I went through a horror few months of therapist shopping and had awful experiences with various therapists. And then I found (F) who I was with for sixteen years, up until June 2015. The "therapeutic" relationship was extremely atypical, and I am SO CONFUSED about it all. On the one hand it was very abusive and unethical...but on the other hand, I now see that I was much more stable and safe with him in my life. And since I got away from all of that muddle, I am now looking towards my eleventh therapist. This story does not fit with your story!!!

(F) always told me that he was the only psychologist who would treat me, that I was too f***ed up for anyone else to treat. It is on the backdrop of this, that I am now struggling with the tenth therapist I've seen since leaving him. Also, in three of my failed attempts, the therapist was the one who dumped me.

After about therapist take-three last year, I wrote out a summary of my story. As part of that, I have a section clearly stating what I need in a therapist. I use my "I need..." statements super clearly. I have shown this, along with some other reports, to every therapist I've tried to connect with. I have asked all the questions and they give me the right answers...and then as time goes on, I discover they were just saying "yes" for the heck of it. For example, I clearly state that I need someone who values evidence based practice, who isn't "fluffy" (and I describe what I mean by fluffy), who doesn't hold negative attitudes towards people with BPD and who has a strong understanding of the power differential inherent in the therapeutic relationshp. I really can't state my needs more clearly. And yet somehow, something gets lost in translation.

I don't feel ashamed or like a failure for thinking about moving on from (A). I feel UTTERLY HOPELESS AND TERRIFIED. Realistically, I don't have either the financial or emotional resources to keep therapist shopping. I will be looking to my GP to see who she can find. We agreed that if she does happen to find someone, I will see them a few times while still seeing (A). I won't sack (A) until I have a sense of safety with someone else.

The financial aspect is a major stressor. I am seeing (A) under victims services. This is what has enabled me to keep hanging in there and keep giving her a chance for this long. Probably if I was paying out of pocket, I would have already sacked her. Having the sessions funded has helped me to be patient, waiting for her to "get" me. If I start with someone who I am paying, then I will expect a positive result within the first 2-3 sessions. I simply don't have the funds to keep paying someone week after week while they "get to know" me.

I feel so hopeless @NikNik. I recognise that I am closer to suiciding now than I have been in about fifteen years. I am more alone and isolated than I have ever been in my life. I know I could get on top of it all, if only ONLY I could find the right therapist to work with. But I can't find her. My uni counsellor was the one who "got" me. If ONLY I could have kept working with her. I simply haven't been able to find anyone else.

I'm scared @NikNik. This set of waves has been going on for weeks now. You know I'm doing my best, right? I'm trying so hard to ride it out...but this is going on for so much longer than usual. I just need to keep being still, don't I. I don't need to be afraid. They are just feelings. Even though my brain is getting fried in cortisol at the moment, it doesn't mean it will be fried forever. Fried brains can heal. Something must shift at some point. My GP might find someone, or (A) may suddenly have a flash of enlightenment and "get" me. I just need to be still and go with the current for now don't I. And I don't need to be afraid of how horribly far out to sea I am. I'm a sea turtle and sea turtles can always find their way back when the time is right.

Thanks for listening @NikNik.

...and thank you @Former-Member for telling me where I could find my vanished post.

Your welcome @Phoenix_Rising

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

Sorry that I was way off the mark - I am lucky that you like me and my nutella-ry ways.

My intent wasn't to draw complete comparisons - so I apologise that it came across that way. It may have seemed like I over simplified things. Either way, you're right, I was way off and I'm really sorry.

Thank you for sharing so much in the your last post. I better understand your feelings of fear and hopelessness, and the financial constraints that adds to it all.

I know you are doing your best - and you are absolutely right, this won't last forever. We will contunie to be here to ride the wave with you.

I hope you're around for Friday Feast tonight.

Hello @Phoenix_Rising, I am still here my friend

@Zoe7 thank you for sharing. I guess in some ways our situations are similar, but in other ways they are very different. For me, I actually don't know how difficult therapy can be, because despite having been with one psychologist or another for twenty years, I don't seem to have ever actually "done" therapy. (A) isn't triggering me as part of some therapeutic process, she's triggering me totally without meaning to and without any sense of what she is doing. I've been seeing her weekly for five months and every time I ask when we are going to actually start, she says she's still getting to know me. It seems to be becoming agonizingly apparant that she simply isn't skilled in the area of complex trauma. And this leaves me in a horrible muddle.

Therapy should not be re-traumatizing. It may not be the easiest process in the world, but with a skilled and competent therapist, it should definitely not do harm. It truly terrifies and disgusts me the way there are so many incompetent psychologists out there. Here's hoping we can both somehow find the help we need @Zoe7. Thank you for always being nearby on the rocks even when you have so much going on, yourself.

@NikNik, do you want to know something that I super love about you (and the other moderators)? I love how you role model how to deal with miscommunications. Thank you for making it feel safe for me to tell you that you were off the mark, and thank you for hearing me. I definitely super like you.

It is actually one of the things I'm noticing about (A) - she gets quite defensive sometimes. The other day I told her that due to the repeated triggering in sessions, I'm now getting such intense stress responses that my GP has recommended I take a particular medication every night for a week to re-set my system. (A) responded with "and I suppose that's my fault is it." Er...yes.

I feel so confused and so afraid. So...super big thank you for making it feel safe for me to say you were off the mark @NikNik.

@NikNik you will watch over the ocean tonight won't you. I don't know how long this is going to go on for. I don't know how long I'm going to need you or whoever is moderating to check in and reassure me that you are there as I fall asleep in my shell. It's really ok? It's ok that I need this support right now? You don't think I'm a pathetic overly dependent borderline?

I'm so afraid and so confused. I so badly want help and I have tried my super hardest to find it. I don't know how to try again. And so for now I am choosing to stay with (A) because it feels safer to have someone (even someone who is doing harm) than to have no one. How can I possibly be in this muddle again after all the effort of getting away from (F). The nature of the harm is different, but the theme of the story is exactly the same. I so very very badly want to feel safe.

Night @Zoe7, @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 and @NikNik. I can't see any of you because I am so far out to sea. But you can still see me can't you. You're still there.