Super big thank you everybody for the gifts you have brought to the shore. I super like being able to see them all as I bob around in the ocean. I'm still very much adrift out here, but I'm trying to just go where the current takes me.
This afternoon I got a call from the receptionist of a psychiatrist who I put my name down with about fifteen months ago when therapist-take-one announced she was closing her practice. During my year of therapist shopping I was open to seeing either a psychologist or a psychiatrist. One of my failed attempts (therapist take-three) was a psychiatrist. That experience was HORRENDOUS. She refused to read any of the information I provided to her (a comprehensive report by therapist-take-one, the autism assessment, the two-page summary of my trauma history that I had written out). She insisted that I tell her my story, telling me "either start talking or leave." Thus I went through my entire twenty year history in about three minutes...and by the end of it I was in a foetal position rocking. That's not ok!!!! After that awefulness, she became more gentle for the rest of the session and I decided I would see her again. However, after I made the appointment with her receptionist, she called me to say she wouldn't see me again. I never got any explanation for that. I can only assume that after I left, she read the written material and decided my muddle was too muddling to be worth the hassle. It was utterly crushing.
So anyway, I got this call today and I went into meltdown. There is something VERY wrong when previous experiences with MH professionals mean that the prospect of seeing a new one is super triggering. The receptionist offered me an appointment on Thursday, but I told her there was no way I could take that. I explained that so much of my trauma is related to MH professionals and that I would need my GP to dialouge with the psychiatrist before I met her. The receptionist was super understanding, which I'm taking to be a good sign. She said we will be able to arrange an appointment when I feel comfortable, after my GP has written to the psychiatrist.
In the thinking part of my brain I know that my GP truly "gets" it and she will work SUPER hard to make this a positive experience. However, I still feel scared. I mean gee, it's only two weeks since I was dumped by the neurofeedback psych.
I'm not even sure what I want to get from this psychiatrist now. I really just want to connect with her so that I have someone else in my corner. I would have to SUPER connect with her to want to see her more than very occassionally.
I have heard very positive things about this psychiatrist from several people, and the fact that she had a 15 month waiting list also suggests that she might be good at what she does. If I could connect with a psychiatrist in the way I connect with my GP, that would be super amazing. I know I need to be brave. I know I need to at least try. And I know that my GP will pave the way. I just wish I hadn't had so many horrible experiences, which make trying again so very very difficult.
Thank you for listening. I don't want or need you to respond. I just needed you to listen. 
