Riding a wave

I am so so sorry your turtle whisperer turned out to be yet another unhelpful helping person, @Phoenix_Rising. 🙁 That makes me so so sad (and a bit mad too). I know how hard and how scary it is to feel hopeful, but I truly feel hopeful about TTT. I really do believe that she understands the need for different songs. I am basing that on the way she described her office—I’m sure she has some different songs in her excellent toolkit.

You can definitely survive another 37 hours and we’re here to help you through.

Here is another little story to add to your toolkit: Some Dogs Do by Jez Alborough. You’ve got this, @Phoenix_Rising. 🌷🐢

Thank you @Teej,

I feel utterly utterly utterly bewildered. It was already all planned that we would finish up at the end of January. She will be away for a few weeks over Christmas anyway. All I needed was for her to provide some support to help me make the transition to TTT. That's all I needed. We both knew I was transitioning to TTT. I simply don't know how to not hate myself, knowing that being around me is SO difficult, that she couldn't hang in there for just a few more weeks. All I can hear in my brain is Fred telling me that he was the only one who would ever stay and that I'm too f*cked up for anyone else to treat. How can anyone continue to say he is wrong after 2 years and 12 therapists.

I feel often that I wish I could pick up the phone and speak with you or sit with you in person @Phoenix_Rising. I want to say that I believe I wouldn't leave, but you and I both know I don't know that and can't know that, so I can't say it. I also remember that those words have hurt you so much before, so I wouldn't say them anyway. I am really glad our oceans have collided, and if here is where they have, then here it is.

You do so much great role modelling often Phoenix_Rising.

Yep, 20 I can do (hopefully)! 😛 I understand that reality with the counting down hours and then what thing though. I'm imagining it feels a bit like when my brain fixing hope person told me a couple of weeks ago that they thought it would be many until I would be ready for their brain fixing. I find time so hard. You've done so much time 😞

I like you as you are, flattened pancake turtle.

@Faith-and-Hope I think you are muddled. K was my uni counsellor. It is my turtle whisperer who has dumped me. And no, I haven't grown through seeing my turtle whisperer because it was only ever about getting support to find the elusive TTT. We didn't actually do therapy as such.

The day I see TTT will be the second anniversary of my graduation and thus the day I had to say goodbye to K. For two years that piece of paper has sat in the bottom drawer of my desk. Twelve years of effort for absolutely nothing.

Hey @CheerBear @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member, can I ask a question (CheerBear's last post just made me think about this)?

What does it mean when people in Forum Land say they will love each other forever? Do they really believe that they will love each other in forty or fifty years time?

If I said I would love someone forever @Phoenix_Rising I think I mean that somewhere deep inside of me, that person has left their mark inside me in a really positive special way, and that no matter what happens, it won't be taken away. I really believe that there are people I will love in this way in 40 or 50 years time.

@CheerBear I don't mean to be offensive...but that sounds like vague fluffy nothingness to me.

I mean, I still love E twenty years on (even though all the psychiatrists said that if E cut all contact with me, the "fixation" would go away). To me, loving him means I think about him every day. It means I long to be with him. It means that three times a year (his birthday, father's day and Christmas) I send him a card and will continue to do so until the day I die, even though I have no idea whether he is still at the same address or indeed, whether he is still alive. That is what it means to me to love someone forever.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Can you be any more pacific?

I have no idea what other people mean. I personally struggle with that whole concept for several reasons … the love bit, the forever bit, the people bit.

I love Edie-Cat and I will love her forever (even though I don’t see a future for myself which makes forever quite small). But people … people aren’t so easy—they are messy and they change and so often cause so much hurt. I do care a lot (too much probably) about people though.

That totally doesn’t answer your question, I know @Phoenix_Rising.