Riding a wave

and when it comes down to it @Phoenix_Rising - that was 'their' mistake. You should not be left to feel like this when you have been so supported for many months and then suddenly it all changes - and I am not sorry to say that it isn't right little turtle

The thing that would help right now, would be to be able to talk through all that this has triggered. This has triggered the very centre of my muddle. I need help!!!!!!! And help means talking to someone who knows at least a bit of my story. I need help. I'm using my "I need..." statement. I don't know what else to do. I really really really need help.

What does wise mind say you need to do to ride the waves of SI now @Phoenix_Rising? Until you can speak with someone who knows your history?

You know this stuff, I know you do. I get it is so so scary right now, but I want you to know that I know you know this stuff.

I hope I did not contribute to your sense of chaos. @Phoenix_Rising

Tbh I have never used the @ moderator button or expected responses to my requests.

I believe you do have the strength and can get through this.

Your DBT work is powerful.

What is safety?

It is not ALL there or ALL gone.

Lucky we are a bit older and can see that.

Keep talking it out. Stay at the computer and just keep talking it out. I also choose to engage in a behaviour that society would deem pathological, but which I personally have no issue with.

@CheerBear You have no idea what this has triggered. The trigger is SO big. I am so very very very close to being done. I have NOTHING outside of Forum Land. If I choose to end my life tonight, the first person outside of Forum Land who will come looking for me will be my turtle whisperer when I don't show on Tuesday. There is nobody outside of here. The relationships I have here are all the relationships I have in the world. And suddenly, randomly, out of the blue, most of the social network I have here seems to have vanished. I have a near-zero attachment system @CheerBear. I don't feel ANYTHING for ANYONE here except for you and Zoe. There, I said it. I don't feel anything. And I know it is the trauma. I know that it is because there has been SO much loss, that my brain simply broke. And now I seem to be discovering totally out of the blue that a whole bunch of people who I thought I had a connection with, suddenly aren't around anymore???

@CheerBear I'm SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@CheerBear I'm really really really scared. Everything is triggered so super gigantically badly. All that seemed worth living for after P died has evaporated.

I don't know what this has triggered @Phoenix_Rising but I am understanding what the consequences of it are for you right now and I am very much hearing how shattered you are feeling and how close to being done you are. I am feeling scared right now and I am guessing that is because I am picking up on what must be the teensiest tiniest bit of how scared you feel.

I am here and I am not going anywhere anytime soon and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. I will sit here with you and ride this out with you as often as it is helpful for you.

What you just wrote @Phoenix_Rising says to me that you are able to collate your words not only in a meaningful but articulate way right now. You are still in a huge muddle but that tiny little shift is positive.

I hear how scared you are - and quite honestly - I am scared for you right now. But i am not leaving you tonight AT ALL - I am sitting right here and not moving unless you tell me to little turtle.