I had a really good session with my turtle whisperer yesterday...and that is SO HARD. Once again I am feeling crushed under the weight of hopelessness around the fact that we are searching for TTT rather than really being able to settle in and get to work fixing my brain. We are at a bit of a stand-still now with Operation Find TTT because we are waiting to hear back re. the whole thing of her seeking payment from victims services to have a 15-20 minute chat with my turtle whisperer - grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Before our session yesterday, I went through the list of alternative possible TTT's that my turtle whisperer had emailed to me. Yeah...it turned out that aside from the failed therapist-take-eight, none of them are psychologists, and there are reasons why I am specifically hunting for a psychologist. My turtle whisperer and I are both a little puzzled as to why the referral service that she got all these names from seems to be full of "psychotherapists" and "counsellors" rather than psychologists. She had quite reasonably just assumed they would be psychologists. So right now I'm back to the pay-me-to-speak-to-your-turtle-whisperer potential therapist being my only option on the horizon.
Why oh why oh why can't I just stay with my turtle whisperer. HOW can the Universe be THIS cruel. If I could work intensively with her for just a couple of years, I could really heal my brain. I KNOW I could. The chances of me finding another her are minuscule. 
Yesterday, after doing what we could on Operation Find TTT, we got to talking about the stuff I wrote about here . I feel so super safe with my turtle whisperer, that stuff just pours out - stuff that I've tried SO HARD to tell other people, and no one has been able to hear me. I was with Fred for SIXTEEN YEARS and his summation of the situation was that it was too creepy and weird for him to make sense of. I've been seeing my turtle whisperer for TWO MONTHS and she gets it. She SO GETS IT. And if she could commit to working with me for longer, she could help me HEAL it. How can the Universe be THIS CRUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And...now I'm in tears again.
The hope is that by having my turtle whisperer super help with the search for TTT, we will somehow miraculously find someone who gets it as much as she does. But I really don't hold out a lot of hope of that happening. The muddle is SO muddled. The only psychologists who would be both skilled enough and willing to take my muddle on would be those that have a particular interest in this kind of a muddle. I am pretty sure that the other person who has "got" it over my two years of therapist searching was the sorry-too-complex psychiatrist. And therein lies the despair. The vast majority of mental health professionals don't get it, and those that do are likely to run a mile.
Anyway, super big thank you for checking in @CheerBear. I have two more things on my to-do list before I get to DBT-ing. I think I might accept that they aren't both going to get done today, but I will try to get one done and then reward myself by DBT-ing. I have crossed four other things off my to-do list, which sounds super...except that they all add up to about 90 minutes work and I started at 8am this morning. That's turtle pace for you @CheerBear! 
Hey @Former-Member, can you maybe do a fly over the ocean on your island?
Bookish I hope you are having a nice day if you happen to be bobbing around in your book pod here on the ocean. I'm not tagging you because I feel squirmy tagging people into my muddles. But I didn't want you to think I am ignoring you either. 
@Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member
