Hi @CheerBear,
I managed to get to yoga tonight and right at the end when I was supposed to be focusing on my breath and just being, the thought suddenly popped into my brain; "oh I know what CheerBear was talking about - the window of tolerance." 
I agree that we are completely muddled and puddled and confuddled together but not. Two melted snow flakely banana heads! 
The conversation with my turtle whisperer superly duperly helped. She is on a bit of a mission to start compiling a list of backup options in case the potential TTT doesn't work out. Having options will super help me to feel calmer - I know you get that, CheerBear. My turtle whisperer emailed me the list of possibles that she has come up with so far. Yeah...tomorrow I'm going to have to break it to her that the one that looks best on that list based on distance from my home etc. was therapist take eight. Therapist-take-eight was only one of two therapists who I only saw for a single session (the other being therapist-take-eleven). With therapist-take-eight, I was on the floor screaming and SHing within five minutes of walking in the door, and continued that way until she booted me out at the end of the hour. I curled up in my car and continued the chaos for a very long time until I was safe to drive home. And people wonder why the thought of searching for TTT is so completely traumatizing. 
I am so very VERY grateful that I have my turtle whisperer to help me with this mission. Given that she can't commit to actually doing intensive therapy with me, this is the next best thing. If she can help me to find someone as awesome as she and K are, then I may yet unmuddle my muddled brain. I just have to survive the process of FINDING TTT first!
It is all so wrong, CheerBear. I so badly wish we could educate the whole world on what it means to be trauma sensitive. I don't understand why it is hard to understand...and yet apparently it is. We will HAVE to keep on keeping on CheerBear so that we can change the world...right after we fix our puddled brains.
Hey...do you want to know a secret? @Former-Member and @Zoe7 I want to tell you my secret too. Yesterday I was daydreaming about setting up my own psychology practice. It kind-of came about because of the whole thing with TTT. I am trying to get my head around who exactly has demanded that TTT get paid to speak with my turtle whisperer. Apparently you can have a "practice manager" or a "practice owner" and these aren't necessarily the same person. This got me thinking because you don't need to be a psychologist to own a psychology practice. If I was to own a practice, I couldn't treat clients (because I'm not a psychologist), but I could employ psychologists (and social workers etc) to treat clients. So, I would call all the shots in terms of processes etc and I would choose who I employed. Thus I could truly create a trauma-sensitive practice with a specific focus on treating trauma. Of course given that today I have been in utter crisis, the idea doesn't sound quite as simple as it did yesterday. I think it would have to be in the "not now" box, but I don't think it is in the "never ever" box.
I wonder what @Former-Member @Former-Member @NikNik @Former-Member might think of this idea???
I am going to try and do the first bit of the DBT doing bit tomorrow @CheerBear. I have so much stuff I need to do at the moment and with today being such a write-off, the list just keeps growing. I SUPER hope tomorrow is a brighter day for both of us. Only four hours left of today now - yay!
I so very VERY badly wish I could buy you and the LF a house. I am secretly hoping that after you sit with the super giant feelings for today, then tomorrow or the next day or sometime your brain will unmush and you will figure out the next step. But for today we can sit together in the puddled muddled confuddle. My brain must be as puddled and muddled and confuddled as yours because I don't have the slightest idea what you mean by my window words...and that's ok. 
