Riding a wave

No, the whole thing feels too icky now @Faith-and-Hope. What I'm hearing right now is that it isn't ok to be me...and this is the only place in the whole world where it usually feels like it IS ok to be me. The weekend moderators aren't like the regular SANE moderators. Right now it feels like there is a horrible power differential between "the moderators" and the rest of Forum Land. I never ever feel that during the week - not even when the SANE moderators have asked me to edit a post. I will maybe try and talk it through with @NikNik on Tuesday via email, or maybe I'll talk it over with my turtle whisperer. I just need to somehow survive until Tuesday - stupid long weekend!!!

@CheerBear I am going to go and snuggle in my bed for a while and then hopefully I will find my mojo again and be able to keep going with my DBT post. Actually, it is becoming three posts, so I do have something to post tomorrow. It was getting sooooooooooo long, so I'm thinking of posting it in bits on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and then you can post your bit starting the following week. Would that work? Is yours getting insanely long too???

@CheerBear I am super glad we are super together but not. This situation is no longer about the post or the wording, it's about how it is a microcosm of my entire existence. I feel flooded with shame for being me. I super super super wish I could speak to someone about it over the phone. I super wish I could talk to my turtle whisperer right now.

Anyway, I will go and hide in my bed and then keep on keeping on. Today was going so super nicely. Nope, I am never ever EVER coming on the forums over the weekend again!

@CheerBear I am covering up to the end of the text bit on p. 12 (i.e. not the table). Then it is totally up to you where we go next.

I just had to google microcosm. I feel like it's almost inappropriate to be laughing now, but I am. I also think that you might think it is maybe a funny (at some point) that I have to scramble often to keep up with words here and you so skillfully use words, yet this also causes muddles sometimes. The world is tricky @Phoenix_Rising.

I am glad you're you, but recognise you being you is really hard sometimes. I hope hiding in bed feels good.

@CheerBear The rest of the day was a write-off. I am now declaring it over and returning to my bed. How could such a super nice and productive day go so very badly - without me even leaving the house!!! I was doing so well up until I decided to reward myself with ten minutes in Forum Land. Never ever again!!! Maybe I will set myself the goal that I will just check the ocean and the nest over the weekend, and not post there or go anywhere else. You are my not friend and I superly duperly duperly superly care about you and if anything goes awry in your world I super want to be with you in your muddle. At the same time, I REALLY don't feel safe around here when the SANE moderators aren't around. They make me feel super safe. So...I think that's the plan...I will check in on the nest and the ocean and that's it on the weekends.

Anyway, the big feelings will pass. Right now I am utilizing the instructions on p. 407. I super love that I can say that, and you can see exactly what I'm talking about. I super love that we can be on this adventure together but not.

My brain is so scrambled and I so VERY badly want to talk the muddle through with someone. The situation wouldn't have escalated as it has done if the moderator had spent time answering my questions about the muddle and talking it through. It super escalated after she shut me down. It triggered all those feelings of not being heard etc. If she could have been more like @Faith-and-Hope, it wouldn't have escalated to this point where it has become a microcosm of my entire existence (at least you know what a microcosm is now CheerBear ). Now I'm so flooded, I know I can't properly process anything. I so very very badly wish NikNik was going to be around tomorrow. Right now Tuesday feels like a trillion miles away.

I have so much I need to do, and I was doing so well until this happened! I super hope I wake up more on track tomorrow morning. I will post the first part of what I've written on the DBT thread in the morning.

Super big thank you for being my not friend @CheerBear and super big thank you for explaining the muddle a bit @Faith-and-Hope. My brain is flooded so the thinking bit isn't working so well, but I do like your analogy of dialects. I so very VERY badly wish I could phone you and talk through the muddle. That's what I need. I need to be able to call someone, have them stay on the line while I get the big feelings out, and then when my brain isn't so flooded, talk it through with them. The guys at SANE are so super good at doing that. I super love knowing that I can call when I'm totally dysregulated, and they won't hang up on me. After all my bad experiences with lifeline, I think that's amazing.

Anyway, good night. I'm super glad we don't live on Venus!!!!! @CheerBear I hope you have had a peaceful Sunday 1st October 2017. I superly duperly like you and I am superly duperly glad that I can snuggle in my shell in your pocket while you snuggle in your blanket in your nest in my cave at the bottom of the stormy ocean.