Riding a wave

@Owlunar Riding the waves is definitely a super challenge. However, I am a sea turtle so it isn't the same sort of challenge as it would be for an owl. I super love being in the ocean when it is calm, whereas I can see that even a calm ocean would not be so appealing to an owl.

I do fly sometimes you know. Maybe I will see you around the sky.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

We are all different but seeing as flying is my thing I can bring your mail

Owls can definitely fly over the ocean and drop your mail at your personal cave or wave or wherever with love and care

So your mail can be brought by air

Dec

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising, @CheerBear, @Owlunar & @Zoe7

I hope the phone call with (A) goes well and doesnt add to the storm. Do check in with us and let us know how you went.

Yes we are around in the ocean @Phoenix_Rising...were else would we be! Scout isnt around today but I'm sure she would be riding this wave out with you if she could. I'm normally floating around the ocean but decided that today would be a nice day to go for a dive...so I'm swimming around if you need anything...

Yay for a brain that is so broken, it can't actually feel anything!!! I hate me. I am a freak. (A) and I agreed that we will shift our sessions to the phone. If a mental health professional can't sit with me face-to-face in my muddle, how can I ever reasonably expect to be accepted in any workplace??? Is this fixable? Will my turtle whisperer really be able to help me fix my brain enough so that I can manage my big feelings in a way that doesn't completely traumatise everyone around me? Is it actually fixable. Am I actually fixable??? Or is the muddle too deep and too prolonged to ever be fixed now? Will I ever be able to function in a workplace confident that I'm not going to go into crisis, lose my words, have the police called, and end up in a death-by-cop scenario because the police aren't that great at dealing with people in crisis?

I want to give up today. Outside of Forum Land, everywhere I turn the message I consistently hear is "keep away from me." The reality is that no one here in the real world wants me around. The reality is that all anyone wants from me is to stay the hell away from them.

I am a freak. I am demanding and manipulative and utterly selfish and difficult and annoying and exhausting to be with and scary. I am a f*cking irritant. I am a monster. I am f*cking evil. I am a stupid f*cking borderline. I am creepy. I am weird. Fred was right. He was right all along.

I super super super want to die today...but I know it is a feeling and I know that feelings pass. The facts don't change, but the feelings will. At least I'm too depressed and too tired to actually go berserk. How's THAT for a positive reframe.

@Former-Member that is kind-of cool that you decided to go diving today because I have decided to spend the day in my underwater cave (while simultaneously being in @CheerBear's handbag all day). Do you want to sit in my cave with me all day @Former-Member? It has wifi so you can moderate from there. Maybe @Zoe7 will come and visit. Do you remember the way @Zoe7? A thousand miles out from Forum Land, sharp left turn, and then dive alllllllllllllll the way to the bottom of the ocean. I'm going to be playing this song all day in my cave: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF7yFOlOk9M

Oh and I haven't eagled yet today. I will eagle in my cave. If you eagle @Former-Member I will give you a baby goat. I wonder if @Former-Member eagled last night. She said she was going to.

Super big thank you for sitting with me in my muddle @Former-Member.

Aw - your personal world sounds terrible @Phoenix_Rising - no wonder you prefer an under-water cave - or you struggle with massive waves -

I am so sad you feel the way you feel - which is valid for you - but not sound and I am sure you understand that - and as badly as you feel you need to leave you are also pretty sure you won't

I dunno what to say Phoenix - I hear you though and wish I could help

Dec

Oh my superly duperly little sad turtle - I will brave the ocean today and come and sit in your underwater cave with you @Phoenix_Rising

Keep playing the song little turtle and believe the words you hear. I just had a little cry listening to it again!

I have to go to my GP appointment very shortly (was going to cancel but really need to go today - I still find it amazing how quickly I/we can 'crash' and often so unexpectedly). I will take that sharp turn left and dive again straight after I finish - I think I may need the security of the underwater cave myself this afternoon

While I am gone I will have the song in my mind and be thinking of you eagling in your cave.

Maybe when I come back I can make some pictures for you to pin up in the cave

Watch this space little turtle... I'll be back!!!!

@Owlunar The way I feel IS sound. Let's look at the evidence:

I have had four restraining orders taken out against me.

I have been thrown out of two churches.

I have had several other people threaten legal action if I don't keep away from them.

I've had multiple psychologists terminate contact with me, including therapist-take-seven who told Victims Services she was traumatised from working with me.

I've had a psychiatrist refuse to even meet with me after reading the details of my muddle.

And so the list goes on...and on...and on...

People like me until they get to know me, and then once they get to know me, they don't like me anymore. Thus I have aquaintances (e.g. at my volunteering gig), but that is the extent of my real-life face-to-face social connections. There are seven-and-a-half billion people on this planet and yet not a single one who wants to spend time with me here in the real world. That is not faulty thinking. That is not "the illness talking." That is my objective reality.

I'm sorry that I sound grumpy (I can hear that I do). Thank you for being here on the ocean today @Owlunar

Awwww thanks @Zoe7. I really need to stay off the forum today. I have SO MUCH I need to do. I super love the idea of you making some pictures to hang in the underwater cave. I am going to work super hard to get some things done and then reward myself with a visit back here later.

That sounds chaotic and traumatizing @Phoenix_Rising

It seems as if being "sound" means you cannot be yourself - and with therapists at least we need to be sound.

I am sorry all of this has happened to you - and if and only if you sound grumpy - you are entitled to feel that way

I remember one terrible day when the world did not go the way I needed it to I yelled and cried in public - of course this didn't help at all - but I remember the dead end was really harsh - and I guess that life is this way for you often

I care

Dec