Living together separated

Sorry you find yourself in this situation @JustWhelmed it truly sucks.

i did it many years ago, we were married (not long), one 18mth old child and we were renting. We were ‘seperated under the one roof’ for centrelink purposes and we last about 2 months before I packed a bag and took my baby and crashed at my folks place.

those 2 months were really hard. No more cooking for each other, no washing or anything. Seperate everything. We just argued too much. My ex tried to lean on me still emotionally and even after I had my own place he would still try. I had to close the door in his face.

you guys are gonna need some pretty clear boundaries and you’ll need to be strong enough to stick with them.

good luck

Hey @JustWhelmed

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's an incredibly heavy transition, especially when you have been the emotional anchor for so long. Moving from a caregiving role to a cohabitation/co-parenting role requires very firm boundaries to ensure you don't burn out while trying to reach that one-year mark 💚

Since there is no immediate way to move out, you need to create "zones" within the house. If you haven't done so already, I'd highly suggest establishing separate sleeping spaces as soon as you can. I also recommend using a shared digital calendar for kid duties and house repairs. Keep communication about these logistics strictly to text or email if face-to-face talks become too emotional or lead back into old relationship patterns.

You mentioned it's your habit to support them through self-harm risks and ups and downs, but because of what has happened, you can no longer be their primary support person. I would encourage them to lean on their therapist, support groups and specific friends.

I would also make a list of what needs to be done to get the house ready for sale or refinancing. Focus on these tasks as objective goals you are working on together for the sake of the kids' future. I would recommend sitting down, perhaps with a third party involved, to map out the mortgage situation.

Continuing with life while living in a house full of someone else’s heartache is draining. Make sure you have a "Third Space", whether it’s a hobby, a friend’s house, or even just a park, where you can exist without feeling the weight of the domestic situation.

It is going to be a long year, but staying focused on the "stuff that needs to be sorted" will help keep the momentum forward. Wishing you a lot of strength 💚

Hey @JustWhelmed. I have no experience in shared accommodation. I do, however, have experience with enmeshment, and I hope that isn't the situation you may be facing here.

Building off what someone else has said, I'd be careful to keep the separation what it is - a separation - especially where it comes to your emotional and mental health. I know from a family member's perspective how taxing these "self harm risks" can be, and it's a healthy thing you're doing to finally step out of the "rescuer" role you might have been playing.

It's sensible/kind of you to consider the housing difficulties the both of you could face exiting this relationship, and deciding to co-exist amicably is a big step forward in the circumstances. It might be prudent to set boundaries in a more formal sense, like a discussion of what would work for the both of you so co-habitation flows smoothly.

As for their conditions, it's good of you to be thoughtful of the separation's potential impact, but it is not your duty - spouse or otherwise - to be responsible for keeping them regulated. I only say this in the case where you may have felt responsible for resolving their problems as they arise - having been there, done that myself, it does neither party any good. The most a struggling person should ask of anyone is to provide support, not to take responsibility. We are meant to empower ourselves so we can handle our own problems; it is unfair for any person to take on the load of two people's problems.

Allow yourself that guiltless freedom to keep building for your own life. You're making great choices for yourself and seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Be brave and keep it up, mate. I hope all goes well, whatever happens.