BPD and violence - helping after you leave?

Hello @soul,

I have not het met you befre, so a big hello from me thank you for sharing your story 🙂

It sounds like you have gone through a lot of big changes of late with leaving your partner and working on your mental health, it's great that you are working on that with someone and also reaching out for more support on the forums, that takes a lot of courage.

At the moment, it seems like you are questioning whether to let your ex back into your life or cutting off all contact, it seems you know you won't be in an intimate relationship with them anymore and more so wanting to help them with their issues as they are also working on them with a professional.

I guess it really depends on what you think it best for you and knowing your limits if that includes helping him, some people find purpose and joy out of helping someone they care for, but if they take on too much it leads to burnout and carer guilt, perhaps you could work on some ways of helping him that won't burn you out or do you fear that you will burn yourself out and maybe it's better to cut off communication for now?

Kindest,

Lunar

I guess I have always had a rather nurturing nature and I know he has very little support from family or friends as he tends to alienate them with his behaviour. I don't know if he will be able to access professional help as this may not be available or affordable where he is. There have been attempts in the past to reach out but these were short lived because he didn't like the person he was dealing with or the effects of the drugs he was prescribed. Me going back to him time and time again probably didn't give him incentive to continue with therapy or medication.

A phone conversation the other day left me exhausted and stressed so I blocked that line of communication. I know had we been in the same room, he would have become physically violent. The environment in which we had lived was not conducive to escaping. He sent numerous emails that were full of nasty accusations followed by ones pleading with me to let him back into his life.

I have made it extremely clear that I will never entertain going back to him but he doesn't seem to respect my decision. Is it kinder and wiser to cease all communication? He asked why I had spoken to him on the phone if I had no intention of gettting back together. He thinks there is still a chance when there is none. This gets him upset and then he becomes defensive and things deteriorate badly. He accuses me of being a narcissist, cruel and that I must really hate him. I know that it is his disorder speaking but it is wearing me down all the same.

I have told him I can offer friendship and that is all. When I cut off contact, he is shattered as he feels he is being abandoned but the emotional abuse is hindering my healing.

@soul I speak from experience. I can only say - YES! it is wiser to cut ties. I have been there and suffered years of trauma for not doing that. I tried everything, absolutely everything, and nothing ever changed except me. It took my identity, it took ME! I have spent over a decade trying to get Me back because I kept going back to help when he said he couldn't live without me, even threatening suicide. He made all sorts of empty promises and gave all sorts of meaningless assurances. It only ended up sucking me deeper into the abyss and I wish I had trusted my instincts and cut ties with him long before I did. He is fine, he is more than fine, it is me that was left shattered, not him. I don't think he even knows the meaning of it to be honest, because with him, it's all about him and no-one else.

It's the irrationality that is so draining, the rethinking and reorientation required to keep yourself in some kind of equilibrium that grounds in reality. We get sucked into their reality. It's an Alice down the rabbit hole type feeling, and the only way to truly recover is to get the heck away from that darn rabbit hole they want to constantly pull you into.

Not sure if that resonates with you. But that is certainly how it was for me.

Thanks for sharing your experience @Former-Member. I could handle the verbal stuff but the physical violence which would come out of nowhere is what shocked me. I had become one of those women you read about on the news. I don't know how much of it was BPD and how much was just domestic violence. It was like living with Dr Jekyll one moment and Mr Hyde the next. He would blow up about the most trivial thing.

I am safe now but relive the experience through flashbacks and nightmares. I had a really bad night - woke in a sweat, heart pounding, chest pain, difficulty breathing. I am hoping this will eventually fade. It effects me when I see ny sort of violence on TV or a video. Even loud noises startle me.

I stayed because the bruises would fade, promises were made. It would be okay for a couple of weeks and then for no reason, it would happen again. Sometimes I would leave only to return and be subjected to more abuse. It was that cycle that kept repeating itself.

I keep wondering if there was something I could have done to help. I read about the amazing support that family and friends give to their loved ones. Did I fail him? The old adage that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink comes to mind. I don't think he really thought he was the problem. I lost my self confidence. I became so empty.

@soul I'll tag you to my Tooky history thread... have a look at my "visual" story. It's only glimpses, but I think you will understand a little.

I hope it doesn't hit close to home... I think you should be ok with it. Just let me tell you... no you didn't fail him, you would fail yourself if you chose the other way.

I'll tag you via email, you can look if you want to.

Hello @soul

I was tracing back through old threads trying to find any that I had posted during my chaotic phase and forgotten about.

I found your name and read your story.

I hope you dont mind my saying this, you are incredibly brave and I do hope that you are rebuilding your life, your self esteem.

My knowledge of BPD is limited however, I am not aware that violence is part of the illness. I think in your case that was part of him as a person without the illness.

I am fully aware of the trepidations of living with a scheming, manipulative, abusive man. I need say no more.

I hope that you are safe and regaining self respect. You are entitled to a happy life the same as everyone else.

stay safe and believe in you xx

Thanks for your input @Former-Member. I still have email and messaging contact with my ex. He has been seeing a psychiatrist and a support group and is also on medication. He thinks that now he is doing this, that I will come back to him. Whilst I miss the good times we had, I am not about to turn my life upside down and leave Australia on an assumption that he will be able to manage his BPD and the control issues that led to the violence.

I am still trying to find my way and don't yet feel in a position to make future plans. Just one day at a time at this stage.

Hello @soul

You sound as though you are handling the situation sensibly and tactfully, with the main concern being yourself.

Brilliant.

As you say day by day and as I say living in the now xx

Hi @soul,
Just found this older thread by accident, wont go into too much detail, I did enough of that last night, but just wanted to say that while our situations may be different I can relate to your struggles living with someone with BPD as this is the primary diagnoses my darling has. Thankfully I have not had to endure physical abuse as you have, there is no excuse for that regardless of any illness one may have. I was able to make that clear with some effect after a couple of minor altercations, I do get a lot of the emotional mind games that seem to be common with BPD though. Trusting you can find healing and move on with time, you sound like a loving person who deserves so much better.

D

Hey @Determined, thanks for your empathy. It certainly has been a struggle. If it hadn't been for the physical violence, I could have stayed in the relationship even with the emotional turmoil I endured. I thought the lashing out was part of the condition but it eventually became apparent he did have control over who he targeted and where he committed these awful acts.

The sad part is that the times in between were so beautiful and I miss that person. We did everything together and had so many common interests. I wish I could have done more and I anguish about how things might have been different. There was no way that I could have established boundaries. These assaults came out of literally nowhere and I was unable to remove myself from the situation during these times. Once when I sensed some tension arising, I left whilst he was out which absolutely devastated him due to his intense abandonment issues. After a couple of months and assurances from him that he had everything under control, I returned only to be subject to gross physical abuse just three weeks later. That's when I knew I could never trust him again. After making so many promises and appearing to be so calm, he exploded and it shocked me to the core. I am struggling with grief and loss and anger.

He says he is trying to "win me back" It's not easy to just switch off all feelings but I have told him that there is no future for us. I have been sending him literature and encouraging him in his treatment which for once he seems to be taking seriously. A bit over a week ago, I suggested that to enable any change, he needed to take responsibility for his behaviour. He had frequently minimised his behaviour always making up excuses. This time he promised to truthfully write to me about what he did on the last occasion, acknowledging the effect it had on me. Well, I'm still waiting for that email 😔