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Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

EleosCasual Contributor20 Apr 2026, 8:31 am AEST

Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

Hello. I increasingly have this feeling that something just isn’t right. I guess I know what isn’t right, but no matter what I try, I just can’t seem to escape the feeling that it isn’t getting better.

I have never been on a forum for mental health before but I need someone to talk to. So, I shall start by sharing my story.

I have always been an anxious person, for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with depression and anorexia at 17, in my early 20s this became major depressive disorder and alcohol abuse. By late 20s I was BPD and Bipolar II. Now, I have just been assessed as Autistic and ADHD as well. The years in between are marred with abandoned studies, discarded jobs and a river of suicide attempts. I have a supportive husband who has carried me through these years (we met at 20) and three neurodiverse children.

I used to be extremely good at masking, to those on the outside I was a happy, bubbly person but inside I was dead. The older I am getting, the harder it is to hide it. From 35, I have been falling apart. I’m 40 now and have been hospitalised 4 times in the last 4 years. I’m on a cocktail of tablets but I still oscillate from depressed to hypomanic. I don’t know how much more I can take. I have a good healthcare team but it just feels like I am already gone.

I am sorry for such a dark message first thing in the morning but I’m only getting 4 hours sleep for the last two weeks. It’s taking its toll.

Thank you for reading.

Me

4 replies

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In response to: Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

MissGremlinSenior Contributor20 Apr 2026, 8:44 am AEST

Re: Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

Hello @Eleos and welcome to the forums, thankyou for being so brave in sharing your story.

I can relate alot to what you've shared and I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you over the years. I'm really glad that you have a supportive husband and a good health care team.

Not getting enough sleep takes such a toll, I've only been getting 1-3 hours a night myself so I understand all too well. Have you been able to speak to anyone within your healthcare team about struggling with sleep recently?

I understand the feeling like you're already gone but sometimes it's just finding that one support that can help, that one thing that shifts everything to where you can start getting to a better place.

For now just take things one step at a time and try to be gentle with yourself. Sending some hugs if you'd like them, you're not alone here ❤️.

In response to: Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

MatchaToadPeer Guide20 Apr 2026, 10:48 am AEST

Re: Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

Hey @Eleos

I am so glad that you reached out and shared your story with us all. Even when things feel incredibly dark, taking that first step to connect with others who "get it" is a massive achievement 💚

It sounds like you have been carrying an immense weight for a very long time. Navigating a journey through different diagnoses and the exhaustion of masking for years is draining beyond words. It is completely understandable that you feel worn down, especially with only 4 hours of sleep and the feeling that, despite your best efforts, things aren't shifting the way you need them to.

Please know that you are not alone in feeling like the mask is harder to keep up as time goes on. Many people here understand that specific exhaustion and the frustration of oscillating between different emotional states, even when you're doing all the right things with your healthcare team; this is something I can relate to.

This is a safe space for you to talk, vent, or just exist without having to pretend everything is okay. We're all here to listen whenever you need to get those thoughts out of your head.

Be gentle with yourself today 💚

In response to: Re: Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

EleosCasual Contributor22 Apr 2026, 10:07 am AEST

Re: Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I love that I can speak freely here. I’m struggling to reply to everyone but please know that all your responses are read and appreciated.

me 🌸

In response to: Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

WretchedKidSenior Contributor27 Apr 2026, 10:59 pm AEST

Re: Hello. Saying high and looking for someone who understands.

Hi @Eleos . Not sure if I can help, as I don't understand each condition as you do, but I'll try my best to give some support.

As already mentioned, lack of sleep truly exacerbates everything. More than you may think. Physical and mental health are closely tied, and rub off on each other a lot. If there is anything to prioritise right now, I would say it's probably this. Full nights of rest and good enough nutrition/hydration will elevate some of the weight you're feeling. Even if you have to start small, or increase it little by little - I promise it makes a difference.

As for masking, this is my own view, but I think no one should have to. Masking sounds, at least to me, like it can only do more harm than good. And I'm sure the freedom of accepting your reality as it is without the pressure to perform would also take some weight off of you.

It's great that you reached out, even if you're feeling heavy. I hope that this forum is making a positive difference and that you feel comfortable to keep reaching out by making posts when you need to. I'm also very sorry for all of the things you are facing. Please try to consider your sleep and masking. If not just in the hope it eases some of the burden for you.

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