How do I separate

Hi @1-Bob-2

Looking up strategies for RSD in ADHD might be a place to start

Hi @1-Bob-2 ,

sorry to hear you're separated from your partner. It's not easy to forget someone you have been with a long time. Distractions are good, anything that can distract you.Doing puzzles, household chores, talking to someone. If you find that your sleep doesn't improve within a couple of weeks go see your GP. Is there a chance your could sort things out with her? Let the dust settle down a bit. Only do this if you want her back in your life. P.S there are alot of puzzles and games online you can do. If you find things are getting hard you can give Beyond Blue a call on: 1300 22 4636. There is also Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277. Take care.

Hey @1-Bob-2

I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to recognise that this split is a good thing while navigating the very real pain it causes. 15 years is a massive chapter of your life, and even if that chapter was filled with drama and anxiety, your brain has become wired to respond to her needs and crises 💚

Since you mentioned ADHD and a tendency to overthink, it might help to look at why your mind is looping on her. Often, high-conflict relationships provide a constant stream of dopamine and adrenaline (even if it's negative). When that stops, an ADHD brain can go into a sort of dopamine withdrawal, causing you to hyperfocus on the person to try to recapture that intensity. This is coming from someone who also has ADHD and overthinks, and has been in a few relationships that were not healthy.

When you have the urge to think about her or check in, your brain is trying to look for a place to put all that energy. I would really recommend writing a burn letter or two. It can be physical or digital, but it's a letter you never send. You can say every mean, sad, or anxious thing that you're thinking. Once it's written, you can delete it or destroy it by ripping it up, burning it, or otherwise disposing of it.

For us folk with ADHD, silence at night can be a vacuum that sucks in intrusive thoughts. I would recommend playing background noise, like brown noise, or an ambient-soundscape video; even the sound of a fan can help. It gives your brain enough "texture" to focus on, so it doesn't wander back into those thoughts.

ADHD also thrives on novelty. Meeting new people can feel like a high-pressure chore. Instead, you could try a micro hobby that has a quick finish line, like a Lego set, a paint-by-numbers kit, or learning three chords of an instrument that has always fascinated you. This serves as a replacement dopamine hit, completely within your control.

Be patient with yourself. This is not a straight line, and having a "bad" night where you overthink does not mean you aren't making progress 💚

Hi there @1-Bob-2 ,

I hear how hard things are for you and that you are questioning how to separate.

Grief is real. Those 15 years, I'm sure involved a level of committment, care and trust. The feelings that come with the loss of this is very natural. And whilst you feel the separation is a 'good thing', there continues to be a feeling of loss. Know that this is very normal and natural.

I hope you find a way to embrace the times that you've learnt from, and then focus on the present. Our minds are geared to want to re-live the past. Whilst it helps us reflect on what worked and didn't work, remind yourself that it is only the present that you can change.

As you focus on the present, you will find that you are in more control and can therefore enact the changes you want to help you move forward.

Well done for reaching out. Good on you for recognising that you want to separate from the past as a way to move forward.

You are not alone.

We are here to support you.

Thanks so much, it really does make me feel better knowing that I'm not alone with these sorts of problems. Although I've tried almost all of those things you mentioned it gives me hope that these are the sorts of activities I should be doing.

The way I see it I'm facing two major hurdles and my thought process is on loop, if you know what I mean? the first is I can't get any sense of closure. I've had relationships with neurotypical women and you know why things didn't work out. The disagreements areas of conflict etc. are usually pretty plain to see. In my experience people usually want to vent and tell you exactly what they think. But with this APD woman it's all smoke and mirrors and misdirection. She wants to be the victim, but then also to subtly rub my nose in her infidelity so she can then flatly deny all evidence and arguments. Agree and work out legal and financial stuff but then accuse me of taking advantage of her. And all the time I know the truth and lies are all twisted together. My brain is just screaming trying to tease out the real from the unreal but without any hope of accessing uncorrupted information.

This has helped BTW, just writing this down now has allowed me to see where and why my overactive (dopamine obsessed) brain is letting me down, thanks!

What's tough is letting go of that mind set after being "together" for so long. Coming out of the fog created by her lies, half-truths and confabulations to realise you've been sold a dud dragged along and dumped when she has set herself up with all the support you've given her. Then all the subtle put-downs followed by denials and then she makes you think that it's your own poor self-esteem that's made you put yourself down. Finally, being used like that when you've been told your part of the home team and its only others, she needs to protect herself from with white lies, half-truths and carefully sculpted reality.

Hey @1-Bob-2 ,

To be the devil's advocate, it sounds like she was not very well and did the best she could to cope. And unfortunately, it has impacted you immensely.

I have BPD, so when I 'read between the lines', I totally get where you are coming from.

So from here, what is within your power to help you move forward?

Your feelings are so valid.

We're here to support you.

She's a smart girl; she figured out that love was what I wanted and so that's what she gave me. Not real love, but her simulated version of love. You should see the birthday and Valentines Day cards; they're works of art for the romantic soul. Praising me, celebrating my difference and hers and pledging her undying devotion to me as we two "different" people navigated the world together. Acknowledging the challenges and the support I gave to her. And my best guess is she figured that was what was needed to keep me in the relationship. Then once she had someone else lined up who would maybe move her agenda forward better. Also, by now the mixed emotional messaging and underlying contempt was starting to seep through and affect my confidence and even my health due to the stress. Of course, when I confronted her about how I was feeling she denied everything and gas lit me, so I sort of started half believing that it was my own underlying neurosis that was fueling these feelings.

So, what am I doing about all this...??

I'm writing a lot of my thoughts and feelings down, so I can get perspective, try to pull my life back together the best I can and move forward without feeling like a chump. I'm trying my best to reconcile myself to the fact that I "wasted" 15 years of my life to build and support someone ultimately dumped me when she managed to organise something better.