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1 week clean

1 week clean

Hi, I'm new here, i'm looking for some support I am 33 and I have Epilepsy, mental health issues,Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Adenmyosis and Addison's Disease which is a rare endocrine disease that affects approximately 1 in 100,000 people. I've struggled with chronic pain and being generally unwell my whole life. Some days I can't get out of bed and the hardest thing to do in a day is go to the toilet. Recently my pain relief stopped working and I began to misuse it and that had a profound effect on my family, friends and my life as a whole. In January I checked into a rehab and I did a two month detox. When I got home I didn't cope at all, and i relapsed and have unfortunately suffered two overdoses by taking other medication without realising the damage it would cause and i never intended on hurting myself, I just couldn't cope with what was happening at the time. I have been completely clean for 13 days and have really taken on board what has been said and I am extremely committed to my sobriety, I had a big arguement with my family yesterday, so I left home and went to the chemist to pick up my pain medication and usually i'd just take alot to make me forget what was going on, I took the one that I was prescribed and sat at the beach for 4 hours and reflected on my choices and how it has impacted everyone around me and I was so proud of myself because these 13 days have felt like months for me and I'm struggling that the people close to me don't seem to understand. I got home and my brother and mom were yelling at me on the phone saying horrible things and I didn't really say much and was accused of relapsing and being high and taking an overdsose, I hadn't and I said please believe me I haven't done anything wrong, but they didn't believe me and called an ambulance, this morning I woke up and rang lifeline to try discuss how i could appologise to my mom and try and calmly explain how hard it has been and how I can tell things are different from the choices i am making. The ambulance came and asked if I could show them the medication I got and how many I had taken and they were satisfied that I was safe and I explained what had occured. They spoke to my mom and I for about 15 minutes and then they left. When I got inside my mom yelled at me for not going with them, but I have been treated very poorly by the hospital they were going to take me to and I wasn't feeling unsafe, I have been in my room all morning contacting resources and making sure i am utilizing the help that is available. I said to the lifeline lady that I don't think my words mean much at the moment, but what I do have control over is how i respond to this feeling and continue with my sobriety and hope thats enough for my family to be able to eventually repair what i destroyed. I have no friends and I just feel very confused because I'm genuinely giving 110% but i still feel like i am letting them down. I don't know what going to the hospital would have done, i don't feel unsafe, I haven't taken any medication, I am in my room and not bothering anyone and I'm just focusing on sitting with these emotions. If you have read this and may have some advice it would be appreciated, even if it might not be what I want to hear.

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In response to: 1 week clean

Re: 1 week clean

Hey @Boo92

I want to start off by saying that I hear you, and I am really glad that you reached out to the community 💚

I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it took to go to that chemist, pick up your medication, and choose to take only what you have been prescribed. In the middle of a family crisis, that is a massive victory. Those 13 days might feel like months because you are doing the heavy lifting of rewiring how you handle pain and stress. You should be deeply proud of that moment at the beach; that was you choosing your own life.

It is heartbreakingly common for trust to move much more slowly than recovery. When we are giving 110%, it feels terrible when the people we love still see us through the lens of our past mistakes. However, it sounds like you already have a very clear-headed perspective on this. Your words may not carry weight right now, but your actions eventually will.

You handled the ambulance incident with such maturity. Showing them your medication and explaining the situation calmly was the right move. It proved to the paramedics, and eventually yourself, that you are in control.

It is okay to advocate for your own mental safety, especially if you've had poor experiences with that facility in the past. If you are safe in your own room, utilising the resources you can like Lifeline, and sitting with your emotions, you are doing the work!

Just a point on your family. Their yelling and accusations often stem from deep, unmanaged fear. They aren't seeing 13 days clean; they are still seeing the trauma of the previous months. It isn't fair, but it's part of the healing process for everyone.

You mentioned that you felt like you were letting them down, but staying sober is the greatest gift you can give them, and yourself 💚

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