I can’t talk to people well

Hey @solxx

It is really brave of you to reach out here and put those feelings into words 💚

Moving from "surface-level" connections to something deeper can honestly feel like trying to cross a massive canyon, especially when you feel like you're the only one without a firm anchor.

That feeling of being the "flexible friend" who is always there for others but never truly seen is exhausting. It really sounds like you've been carrying a heavy weight for a very long time, especially with what you went through last year.

When we are so used to being the one who listens, we fall into a pattern where people assume we are "okay" because we don't take up space. It makes sense that you would fear judgment. I have been there myself. However, true intimacy usually grows in moments when we allow ourselves to be a little messy or vulnerable.

Now you don't have to jump into a "deep" conversation all at once. If you want to try opening up to your girlfriend or a close friend, start small. Try sharing a small piece of your day or minor feeling, e.g. "I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and I just wanted to share that with you." You could also share a thought on a book, film, or philosophy that resonates with how you feel. Sometimes talking about a "thing" is easier than talking directly about ourselves.

Since those depressing feelings are starting to re-emerge, it might be helpful to look at why therapy didn't feel safe last time. Lying through it is often a defence mechanism when we don't feel a connection with the therapist or when the fear of "being found out" is too high.

If you ever feel like those dark thoughts are becoming too much to handle on your own, please do reach out to a crisis line or a professional you trust. You don't have to do this alone.

I know you also mentioned feeling like the only one who is "alone" in a crowd. Many people, including myself, have felt this before, but would hide it just as well as you do. Sharing even just a tiny bit of your truth, as you have on here, can sometimes be the very thing that finally builds that bridge you've been looking for all along.

What do you think is the biggest thing stopping you from saying even one small "real" thing to your girlfriend today? 💚

Hey @solxx, it took guts to put this out there. What you're describing isn't as rare as it feels and it's the start of your journey towards being content and happy.

I went through a period similar to yourself, and it finally clicked after years of hard work to understand what it means that 'to love someone else, you need to love yourself'. I want to be upfront though: this has been a 20 year journey for me, not something that happened overnight. You have to be kind to yourself, have patience, and stay committed.

What did that hard work look like?

I wasn't happy about not having a say in things, I was shy and quiet. So:

• I did the hard work of reading books to understand how to engage in conversations and genuinely practicing them — How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie changed my life.
• I did the hard work of facing rejection and persisting with those efforts even when I felt like I hadn't connected with someone, because I understood that we are all different in our own way and we can't make everyone happy.
• I wasn't happy about my body image, so I started exercising and going to the gym.
• I wanted to be effortlessly cool in my style, so I made sure I bought clothes that made me feel like me and gave the vibe I wanted to give.
• I wasn't happy about my haircut, so I made sure I went to a good hairdresser and worked with them to get the look I wanted over time.
• I wasn't happy about my imperfections on my face, so I started a skin care routine.
• I felt like I wasn't good enough, so I dedicated myself to study and be the best possible person in my field, to ensure I'd be in a job to support the lifestyle I wanted.

What happened after all of this is I felt confident when I looked in the mirror. I'd notice more people glancing at me, which felt uncomfortable at first. I chose to assume they found me attractive or envied me rather than thinking I was ugly or not enough. I know first hand what emotional pain feels like, and I do my best to be unassuming of everyone I cross paths with, because at the end of the day, I would be just like them if I had walked in their shoes.

More recently I've been working on that voice of being 'enough'. After all of this - success in my academics, work that paid exceptionally well, and marrying a beautiful wife - the unresolved mental battle had cost me my job. I'd built something that was only supported by a few pillars: my wife, friends, and work. I put so much emphasis on work that the other pillars started to crack because I was striving to be 'enough'. When I lost my job because the environment had tested me mentally where I felt like I wasn't 'enough', my world collapsed - I had thoughts of suicide.

However, the other pillars, albeit neglected, were there when the main pillar was destroyed. My friends and family supported me in ways they knew how. It made me appreciate that we need to have built enough pillars to support ourselves mentally when things get tough. I've learnt that the voice of being 'enough' needs to be tamed, and that money does not make you happy - it helps, but your happiness will always be undermined by toxic thoughts that derail your journey to happiness, whether it be internally or through someone elses actions or words.

Why is this relevant? I made a decision to be unapologetic about who I was. I am unique and that's okay, I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not. Starting from something small, I gained confidence over time to be 'me'. From this, I found that people like me would gravitate towards me. I'd give them the opportunity to be themselves and respect their differences. Where we were far too different, I'd make a conscious effort to acknowledge our values differed, because the networks I make create an environment I have to live in. I chose not to associate with people that made me feel like I wasn't enough, and I steer clear of those who judge others for not being a 'man'.

Often I would dip my toes to see if I could trust the individual. I chose to be vulnerable and reveal personal things going on in my life, let them know what I did on the weekend, and they would reciprocate. Over time I would reveal more, and again they would reciprocate. They'd be there to share their stories, help brainstorm solutions, and if not that, support me emotionally by just being heard.

To build connections, you need to be vulnerable, you need to 'trust' others. It's important to understand that, like anything, we can't rush into things and go 0 to 100 and dump our trauma on them - it will scare them off. And even when you build these pillars, there will be times when they're preoccupied in their own pursuit of happiness and you'll feel alone. I still spend time on my own, probably more than I should, which has contributed to my mental health problems, but I've learnt to be comfortable with being alone and to respect others in their own pursuits. At the same time, I've also recently learnt the importance of building a number of avenues to make sure you're doing what makes you happy.

To summarise: this all starts from loving yourself, and to love yourself, you need to give yourself some grace and work towards being better. Focus on what you can do to make sure you're on the path to being content and happy. It's not an easy journey, because there will be times bad actors use your trust against you. But believe in the process - as painful as it may be - your transparency will lead you to good people.

One last thing, and I say this carefully because I've been where you are: the feelings coming back "for no reason" are worth taking seriously, not something to white-knuckle alone. Lying your way through therapy last time makes sense — you didn't trust it, and trust has to be earned. But an AI isn't a substitute for a human who can actually sit with you. If you can, try again with a real therapist, and this time tell them one true thing in the first session, even if it's just "I lied my way through last time and I'm scared to do it again." That sentence alone is the work.

I wish you all the best in your journey - find your people, I know you will. You need to have trust and don't give up!