BPD and impact on family and partner-burnt out

Hi @Westermann

Welcome to SANE forums. I just wanted to say I’m really glad you posted, that sounds like an incredibly long and heavy road you’ve been carrying.

Being alongside someone you care about for so many years, especially when there’s been trauma in their past, can take a huge toll. The way you describe trying to support her, make sense of things, and hold everything together for decades… it’s not surprising that it’s left you feeling worn down and questioning where to from here.

It also sounds like you’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand what might be going on for her, while at the same time not really having your own needs held or supported in the relationship. That’s a really tough place to be, feeling like you’ve had to be both partner and emotional support person for so long.

I can hear how careful you’ve been over the years in how you’ve approached the idea of her getting help, and how difficult that’s been when it hasn’t led anywhere or risks conflict.

You’re not alone in feeling this way, even though it might feel very isolating. It can help to talk it through at your own pace.

If it feels okay to share, what kind of support do you currently have around you, just for you?

Take care

Oh gosh @Nala2022,

Thanks so much for your heartfelt and considered reply, I've felt hopeless for so long that I'm tearing up even responding to this.

I has been a very long journey as you so rightly say. Three houses, two children and the usual day-to-day hurdles and challenges that everyone expects to encounter but the situation with my partner has been so bewildering that it has come to occupy my thoughts every day of my life. I read online an expert describing how a long term partner of someone with this disorder eventually feels completely hollowed out, they basically don't know who they are any more and it is very disorientating, I guess that describes me to a T.

I haven't had any real support either in the past or currently. I didn't have a name for whatever was afflicting my partner and imagined childhood trauma had to be the "cause" of our predicament but it soon became obvious that couldn't solely account for what was going on in our household. Even when I had my breakdown and was seeing my GP and a psychologist over quite a number of visits I couldn't articulate what was happening in my life. I am absolutely sure in my own mind now, as a lay person, that BPD is the only explanation for what is/has been happening to my partner.

Before coming across SANE in the last few weeks I found Carers Australia site and reached out to them and they have been very supportive over the phone. I've booked in to see one of their counsellors face-to-face in May which is a good place to start, it's all had to be quite clandestine though as my partner will react very unfavourably if there is even a hint that I am seeking advice/assistance. My GP up until now hasn't been fully apprised of what has been going on within our household as she also sees my wife as a patient (not that I think she would breach patient confidentiality). It's just that my wife presents very differently to the rest of the world most of the time and many people my GP included would probably find it hard to imagine her behaving so bizarrely. I will make an appointment with her regardless as she might be able to advise me on the diagnosis front. The diagnosis is the elephant in the room..

Thank you for sharing more of your story @Westermann, you can really feel just how much this has taken out of you over such a long period of time.

I’m really glad to hear you’ve connected with Carers Australia and have something lined up in May. That feels like a really important step, especially having a space that’s just for you where you can speak openly without having to hold things in. The fact that you’ve reached out, even having to do so carefully, says a lot about how much you’re trying to look after yourself in a very difficult situation.

It makes sense that having a name or explanation for what’s been happening with your partner feels important, like trying to make sense of something that’s felt confusing for so long. At the same time, it sounds like what’s been most impactful is how all of this has affected you day in and day out.

You deserve support with that, regardless of any diagnosis.

If it feels okay to share, what kind of support would feel most helpful right now?

Well @Nala2022 I think even talking about it on this forum has made me feel a bit less stressed and more in control of my emotions. I think what is really distressing me at the moment is that a certain part of me just wants to get out of this relationship while I've still get a few more years ahead of me. That and the guilt that comes from keeping things hidden from my partner like my contact with Carers Australia and indeed SANE. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm evading your question regarding support but I think that talking about it is a great help in itself (I haven't read other posts on the forum yet about other people's experiences of partners with BPD but I'm sure I'm not the only one with this in their life).

I've been bottling this up for so long that anything at all that offers hope in what feels like a hopeless situation is greatly appreciated. I know that still doesn't answer your question though!

Thanks for sharing that so openly @Westermann , it really makes sense that just being able to talk about it is bringing some relief after holding it in for so long.

What you’re describing about feeling torn between wanting to leave and the guilt that comes with that, is heavy but realistic … I’ve been there too. It sounds like part of you is starting to think about your own needs and what the future could look like for you, while another part feels a strong sense of responsibility and worry about the impact of any change. Holding both of those at once can be incredibly exhausting.

It also doesn’t sound like you’re evading the question about support at all, sometimes just having a space where you can finally say things out loud, and feel heard, is the support. Especially when you’ve had to keep so much to yourself for so many years.

You’re definitely not alone in this, even if it’s felt that way for a long time. People here will understand more than you might expect 🌟

All I can say is thanks again, I will certainly be looking in on the forum, probably daily, as things feel particularly wobbly at the moment, but I really do feel less isolated now as I navigate my way through this point in my life...

Hey @Nala2022 I think the above message from @Westermann is for you 💜

Glad to hear that you are finding this space helpful @Westermann 😊

I’m glad you’re here, you're not alone in this. Take things one step at a time, we’re all with you @Westermann

@Westermann welcome to to this space.

I just want to check in as I head out to work.

Not sure how to articulate other than

Yes to all you have said

And I hear you, you are not alone.

For me 26 years with my wife

Official BPD diagnosis

Different origin of childhood trauma but definately childhood trauma present.

My wife does not work. She is on a disability. Complete inability to engage with anyone for any length of time.

For the first time in over 10 years she has started some volunteering work. 2 weeks in got it in her head every one hates her and is talking about her behind her back.

That seed germinated to now people talking about her at school pickup. 🤷

As for me...

Socially isolated - yes

Burned out - yes

Constantly scared of a blow up - yes

Sounding board and whipping block - yes

Back in full time work after 12 years. (Have been in a carer role while working part time during that time)

Had a burnout 14 years ago and had to choose between work or family.

Children damaged - evidence emerging (2 X adult children not ok, primary age child well adjusted to date).

GP and psychologist + counsellor have all at different times put DV on my file. Seeing these people was all in my mind at the time in my mind trying to get support to learn how to support my wife. Take the kids and run was often at the top of the list.

Engaging in this space when I first found it was invaluable for me. I trust you can also find what you need here.

That turned out to be more long winded than intended and now I am late for work 🤦

Just shows how close to the surface this all is. I say that to highlight you are not alone.

Well done for reaching out, I know how hard that is.