Feel like Im ready to snap

This might be a long one.

I am trying.

I am aware. I am probably missing something (as we all have our blindspots) yet I cant seem to grasp what it is.

I feel CONSUMED by this intense DEEP yearning. Yearning for recognition. To be seen .to be celebrated.

Its like Ive had a taste of it . I am fully awake and aware of my own needs and now I will not settle.

I am trying. Ttying so hard. My pursuits are NOT without intentional effort.

I feel like I am practically screaming to the wider world and yet Im still not being heard.

How are people so f&%>&$# bad at listening? Why are so many bad at listening? am I also a bad listener in my pursuit to be seen?

I feel like I give alot. I put myself out there. I dare to try things. I hang out with people. I tell them how I feel. I make space for the ones I think I could get to know better. I try to be a good friend and person to others. I try to be assertive and clear in my own abilities and needs. I try to create spaces to invite others, like groups, and meets, and online chat rooms. I endlessly share and post about the stuff i like HOPING someone else will go "hey! me too!" and actually engage with me instead of just talking at me.

I want someone to be CURIOUS about me so I can shamelessly share a part of me.

I feel like I have to perform to show off myself, because if i dont Ill be forgotten.

I try to take care of myself when I am alone and love myself and still have fun.

I just. ..want... some. %&$*>^@ COMPANY.

I want company in the comfirt of my own home.

i want to be able to call up people and just talk. Not about my problems. Not about my feelings. just talk. But also feel safe to express feelings IF it comes up. .

Im so over feeling like anytime I get a scrap of human connection comes at the cost of my energy levels. I have to go out. drive somewhere. put on my outside face. Pick something to wear when I am feeling low in my own body. spend money.

I want someone else to want to experience something i love, BECAUSE i love it and they want to understand me better and why I love it.

Have you ever done rhat for someone else? It rocks. I love learning about rhe people I love.

I feel like Ive been told to be SMALL all my life. So i shrunk and shrunk so small into a compacted little ball under pressure.

And now? Ive exploded.

I feel loud. Angry. Alive. Manic (?). I am being myself and yet I still feel like an outcast and a reject . .

I hate that Im so desperate for company. I hate how much the pain tears me up inside, and it keeps intesifying. When will the pain stop.

I hate how the world just seems to tell me to get over it.

This fire is raging like a storm in my heart.

Nothing seems to sate it. The human interaction I do get, if its of any meaningful quality, is like scraps and shreds. I am STARVED. I want to GORGE . unleash my silliness with others who gladly receive it.

I want my mum to be my mum. But she wont be. thats just not who she is.

I am consumed by fantasies of friendship and love and CARE . AND NURTURE

I have SO much love in my heart to give. But I want to be seen. I want to be HELD. and heard. !!! I want to feel like I matter TOO. that what I love and feel does matter and deserves some space in the sunlight.

I hate this. Its agony. The lonliness. the yearn

The frustration. The endless wandering. Wondering.

I feel ready to snap. To just Take a nassive proverbial dump on the universe and say F&%$ YOU. I feel like I am going kooky. all this pent up energy with NO satisfying outlet. I feel like I cant move forward.

I have tried crisis lines. Support lines.

I never feel like theyre actually listening. Theres something crucial missing.

This sucks.