Feel like Im ready to snap

Am I satisfyed with sharing here?

To Be Determined.

I am desperate. This is a call for help.

In need of some humanity and compassion

Im tired of the clinical, detached, robotic culture around mental health struggles. Were all fu king human beings, not just faceless words on a screen

Hey @fruitisgood

These are some really tough thoughts to be sitting with, and I can hear just how angry, isolated and misunderstood you are feeling right now. To invest so much of yourself into building connections and relationships can be exhausting, especially when there seems to be no real return from this. Having that awareness of trying so hard yet not feeling heard is a difficult thing to sit with, and the impact this is having on you is very real.

You deserve to have safe spaces to simply talk, and to be met with compassion and understanding. Writing your thoughts out is a great way for you to be able to acknowledge what is going on for you, and it can be a great starting point to creating that support network you are so deeply yearning for. It's awesome you have begun exploring this, as it's important you are able to figure out what is helpful and meaningful to you. By having this conversation, I hope that the forums can provide you with a therapeutic outlet to explore this a little deeper.

I hear you, I see you, and how you are feeling completely valid. This could be a good opportunity to reflect on what you're hoping to get out of the forums here, as we're all ready to support you as best we can. It's totally okay to not have the answers for this right now but please know we are holding that space for you to build meaningful and supportive peer relationships here.

Take care tonight.

Hey @fruitisgood

I just want to say that it is incredibly brave of you to lay everything out like this. There is such a raw, vibrating energy in your words, that mixture of exhaustion and that fierce hunger that is a sign of how much life you still have in you, even if it feels like it's burning you up right now 💚

A few points really stood out to me in your post. When we have to perform and shrink into these strict social boxes, all just to get a tiny bit of interaction, it truly drains you more than it fills you up. That yearning for company in the comfort of your own home you've been having highlights your desire for intimacy without performance. You want to be seen just as you are, not the performance.

It is such a painful irony that those who give the most, those who are curious about others, who create the spaces, who love learning about the people they love, are often the ones left waiting for someone to return the favour. I know you mentioned that you feel like you have to perform to avoid being forgotten. But the tragedy is that people tend to celebrate the performance we give, leaving the real us feeling even more invisible.

I want you to know that loud, angry, alive feeling you're having is your spirit refusing to be "small" anymore. It's messy and feels manic because it has been compressed and contained for so long.

I am really sorry to hear that the support systems you've reached out to have felt so detached. It's incredibly frustrating when we access these services, where we display our own hearts, become incredibly vulnerable, and are only met with a script when all we wanted was a genuine human being to talk to and listen to us.

I know that I can't replace the physical company or the nurture you're missing from your mum, but I can tell you that I hear you, I can see the fire you're talking about, and I truly believe you when you say it's agony.

I'm here to listen if you want to keep sharing. How're you feeling now after letting that all out? 💚

@MatchaToad

Thankyou for taking the time to respond ... you just articulated what Im feeling so accurately and well. I really do feel like you get it, or at the least are trying to truly empathise with me and put yourself in my shoes for a moment. thankyou.

I would like to talk on it a bit more..

Im awake after a sleep. Less 'crazy' but ive come to be accustomed with this feeling now and its just a lull in the internal storm and tempest.

It flares up when I begin to engage with things on my own I love in a meaningful way, because then the longing of wanting to share it with others who also enjoy it kicks into overdrive and then im not enjoying it.

I just dont feel I have an outlet for this storm. Ive tried exercise, art, hobbies, journalling, breathing. Ive tried so much. Its worth it to keep trying, all those things are good, but they dont scratch that itch.

I have ONE friend Ive made recently who I feel sees me, and makes time and genuine space for me. Shes sweet and lovely and honest, we laugh at the same things and I dont know her well but I already feel like I cherish her existence.

Shes also just one human, so shes not available all the time (which I am NOT disputing, despite how others ((or my internal voice)) would have me feel). But its like i have a taste of what I REALLY want and now I want it /bad/.

I want intimacy. and kindness. I want more of those people.

A part of me feels greedy. why cant i just be okay with what I have?? Why cant it be Enough?

Its not. It just isnt. Its dribs and drabs and scraps.

I dont expect an answer to this question, yet I still hope for one all the same.

How do I proceed when the flames are engulfing my soul?

This fire is eating me up. A part of me wants to let it, although i have no idea HOW to let it. another part wants to seek coolness (not ice) to gently tame the flames.

I dont like feeling this intensely all the time. I call myself a true romantic at heart, and by that I mean I feel things intensely, esquisitely, and painfully.

But its so much. I feel trapped with it it all. Noone seems to know how to even hold me when Im on fire like this. Maybe I burn too hot and bright? I feel like a cosmic explosion.

My other friend calls it 'Pheonixing', which I love the thought of but still , is it really transformation? Or am I stuck in a burning pit?

To answer your question how do I feel after saying all that?

Im not sure. Vulnerable. Exposed. Always hopeful. Glad you responded because when you last did to another post of mine it made cry happy tears as it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. and you manage to do that through text on a screen which I am jaded towards in general.

@fruitisgood

I am so glad that you're still here talking with me. Hearing that our last exchange on here brought you some happy tears means a lot to me 💚

It sounds like you're in that strange, quiet lull where the storm hasn't gone away, it's catching its breath. That feeling of being "greedy" for more intimacy isn't greed; I would more see it as starvation. By that I mean, when you finally get that taste of being seen, it's only natural for your soul to say "Yes! I want more of this!" I don't think you're asking for too much by wanting more than just scraps.

You certainly did ask quite the heavy question of "How do I proceed when the flames are engulfing my soul?" Your friend's term is quite beautiful, but I can hear your doubt. It's really hard to feel like you're transforming when you're currently the one feeling the heat. Maybe the way forward isn't trying to put out the fire with hobbies or breathing, but instead, finding those people who aren't afraid of the heat.

I know you also mentioned feeling like you burn too bright for people to hold you. I feel there is such a specific kind of loneliness in being a true romantic in a world that often prefers things to be lukewarm. It can feel like you're trapped in your own intensity because you haven't found enough "vessels" big enough to hold it with you yet.

It does make complete sense why engaging with things you love alone feels painful right now. Those things are mirrors of your soul, and looking in a mirror alone when you're desperate for company can feel like a haunting of sorts.

Please never apologise for feeling vulnerable or exposed. That vulnerability is exactly what makes you capable of that deep intimacy you're looking for.

I am curious about that coldness you brought up, the thing that could gently tame the flames without freezing them out. What does that look like for you in an ideal world? Is it a specific kind of conversation, a certain type of silence, or something else entirely? 💚

@MatchaToad

yes to all of this...

To answer your question at the end, I had to think about that.

Having someone to sit alongside me with that knowing and understanding of the longing I feel. People to ground me when I feel too high up in the air, but in a way that doesnt envoke shame or that I am simply just too much.

Trying to find people who can 'take the heat' feels like a hunt for a unicorn

@fruitisgood

That "hunt for the unicorn" feeling is so real. It's really exhausting to feel like you have to be a scout or a hunter just to find a basic human requirement, such as simply being understood 💚

What you described, having someone who can sit alongside you and ground you without making you feel like you're too much, is exactly what true safety feels like. It's the difference between someone trying to "tame" your fire because they're scared of it, and someone who just brings a chair to the bonfire because they genuinely appreciate the warmth.

It makes complete sense that you want to be tethered to the earth when you're high in the air, but you don't want to be pulled down or scolded for being up there. You just want to know that the ground is still there. And I also want to say that, yes, people who truly "take the heat" aren't on every street corner. But they are out there, often people with their own internal fires, looking for someone who won't try to put their flames out.

You've done so much of the heavy lifting lately when it comes to searching for connections. I'm wondering, when you have felt 'grounded' in the past, even for just a second, what was it that did it? Was it hearing a specific word, a certain kind of presence, or maybe it was just a moment where the performance finally stopped? 💚

Hello @MatchaToad

I was away for a few days and feel mentally a little recharged. I wanted to reply to your response though.

To answer your question, I think I just found the answer to it, and part of why I was feeling so intensely last week was because its ... new?

Feeling seen and respected and cared about.

Feeling grounded for me is when, as you mentioned, the world just kind of pauses. Or, it lingers in this space of timelessness.

I have felt it many times when Ive been alone and connected to nature and lost in eithef watching or listening, or in brief playful interactions with other people where both of us were dancing the same rythm.

But I also noticed it recently with a new friend Ive made, and the impact its had on me has been ... emotional. Intense and overwhelming. Like a dose of sugar rush in an otherwise sour environment.

They treat me with kindness and care, and I am also receiving it and feeling it conciously too. So the combination of both of those has resulted in this response Im having.

I really like your Bonfire anology. Visuals are very helpful to me.

Thankyou for listening and responding 🤍

"What you described, having someone who can sit alongside you and ground you without making you feel like you're too much, is exactly what true safety feels like. It's the difference between someone trying to "tame" your fire because they're scared of it, and someone who just brings a chair to the bonfire because they genuinely appreciate the warmth."

@MatchaToad

I just went and re read all of the conversation and this part jumped out at me.

Because I have read many versions of this many times before, describing what it feels like to not only feel safe at a basic, core level, but also feel actively content and cosy in that space. Like, I feel safe around this person AND I also actively feel magnetised to them in some way and they make me laugh.

and id read this, not being able to connect the true FEELING to the words, but I think I had a breakthrough. I Felt.

I felt comfortable to be a bit spontaneous. I felt an absence of fear in moments, of what came next next and I just spoke/ acted from the heart. and because I did, I laughed and shared something and contributed to warm memories.

Maybe my anger/ frustration was me waking up and realising, hey! I want MORE of this. I wish I had more of that in the past. -queue hindsight onslaught and melancholic feelings-

I want to say I thank you for writing what you did because not only did it help so much during that moment to feel heard, but it also got the inner cogs going.

Hey @fruitisgood

It is so lovely to hear from you again! 💚

That breakthrough you described is such a profound shift! It's like finally being able to see a colour you've only ever heard people describe.

I want to say that it makes complete sense that feeling this new "sugar rush" of kindness brings up some melancholy. When we finally get what we've been starving for, it's very natural to look back and feel the sharp sting of grief for the past version of us who had to survive on scraps for so long.

You mentioned feeling comfortable enough to be spontaneous and act from the heart. That is the ultimate sign of safety. When the performance stops and the playfulness starts, that's when you know you are not just being tolerated, you're being celebrated for who you are.

That intensity you also felt last week was partly the shock of the new. If you have been in a sour environment for a long time, the first taste of genuine respect and care can feel overwhelming, almost like your system doesn't know where to put all that light.

It really does sound like your inner cogs have shifted from trying to survive the fire to figuring out how to tend to this new warmth in your life. Please don't let the melancholy of the past steal the joy of this moment you have found. You have worked so hard to keep your heart open enough for this to even be possible.

How does it feel to look forward from here, now that you know what that rhythm actually feels like? 💚