gf's ex is gorgeous, its killing me

Hi @sealeoooo2

Are you in therapy? You could discuss this stuff with your psychologist. And maybe take your missus to an appointment

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Hey @sealeoooo2

I wanted to say that I truly hear how much this is weighing on you, and I want to validate that what you're feeling is a very common relationship hurdle many people experience 💚

It really sounds like you're stuck in this loop where your brain is searching for evidence that you aren't enough, even when your partner is giving you reassurance. When you did see them react to the name on that art project, it sounds like it triggered a 'threat' response for you. "Stiffening up" is a clear sign of discomfort, awakwardness or even a bit of "oh no, not this person again," not an actual sign of longing. It doesn't mean they're comparing you; it's more that the past can be a bit bumpy, if that makes sense.

I liken the act of stalking an ex's account (whether your own or your partner's) to picking at a scab. Gross imagery, I know, but it serves a purpose, haha. I understand that it feels like you're searching for answers, but you are essentially re-traumatising your self-esteem. Have you considered muting or blocking the account for a while just to give your brain a break from that visual comparison?

Something else for you to keep in mind is that people generally don't "settle" for someone they've been happily dating for 6 months. They choose someone who makes them feel seen, safe and happy. Beauty is literally a surface-level trait, but real relationships are built on the connection partners create together.

I also want to say that having a history doesn't make your current partner's feelings any less special. I view people with extensive dating and relationship experience as a positive; they know exactly what they want out of a relationship and have learned many lessons from past connections. And at this moment in time, they are choosing you, and that is truly special.

You mentioned feeling like you were exhausting your friends. I wonder if you would be willing to discuss with your partner specifically about the "Stiffening up" moment on the train? Not in an accusatory way, of course, but you could frame it like "Hey, I noticed that moment, and it triggered some of my own insecurities. Can we talk about it?" 💚

Hey @sealeoooo2,

Thanks for sharing so vulnerably and asking for support. Relationships can be challenging, and what you're describing, the comparison, scrolling and spiral, is something a lot of people experience. I can hear these feelings are weighing heavy, so of course it makes sense you're tired of carrying them, know you don't need to alone. I hope the community on here can provide you with some support, kindness and encouragement because navigating relationships in general is challenging, but you're doing that with brave honesty and awareness, asking for support. Good on you 🙂

If you feel it warrants, a great support service is Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277

Reach out if you need additional support @sealeoooo2

All the best,
Lee_Lee_Light

Hey @sealeoooo2 ,

Thank you for opening up and sharing some of your challenges.

As a young person, I used to think some people were drop dead gorgeous. However, over time, when I got to know these people, I realised their personality and heart took away all that gorgeousness so that I was pretty much disgusted with them.

Your gf might be gold in that they can see through the outward beauty and look at their heart.

What do you think?

I hope you find a way to focus on what you DO have and enjoy it, so you don't miss out as you look after what your gf has pushed away.

Enjoy what you have!

If they wanted to be with their ex, they wouldn't be an ex right? Attraction is so different for many different people, it sounds almost like having trouble with rumination and thought loops.

Try to unhook when you notice the spiral... don't do the behaviour which leads to the trauma because its vicious... try to name and create distance from it... its something I struggle with still.

Thank you so much for your reply! I recently stumbled upon a video that said being jealous of your partner's exes means you don't respect their autonomy as a person. It sounds a bit harsh, but it really snapped me awake, I don't want to seem controlling and self-centred, since a relationship is a two way street. Knowing that despite having so much experience, they still decide to 'choose me' made me feel a lot better.

We also spent a lot of time together during easter weekend, and that helped to calm me down a lot 🙂