Hey @MG2879
It takes immense strength to reach a point where you can name that behaviour for exactly what it is: exploitation. Rebuilding yourself is a nonlinear process, and while this feels like a big setback, identifying the "missing piece" is actually a huge step forward in your healing journey 💚
I wanted to share some strategies that may be of use to you. There is no pressure to try these; I just wanted to throw them into your orbit.
The most effective way to get someone out of your system is to cut off the "supply" of information; protecting your own peace is a priority. If you haven't already, block his number and socials. Every time you see his name or a notification, it triggers a hit of dopamine or cortisol that keeps the "addiction" to the cycle alive. You can also try committing to 30 days of zero interaction. Those 30 days will be hard, speaking from my own experience, but I found it helpful to write letters about what I was feeling/wanted to say, but never actually sent them. This gives your nervous system a chance to regulate without being in "survival mode" or waiting for a reply.
Toxic dynamics often thrive on "intermittent reinforcement", those tiny crumbs of affection that make you hope things have changed. I would recommend writing down every time he ignored you, used you, or made you feel small. Keep this in your phone. When you feel a wave of "missing him" or nostalgia, read that list immediately and reflect on it. It's also important that you acknowledge this as grief. You aren't just losing a person; you’re losing the idea of who you wanted him to be. It’s okay to be angry that he didn't meet your standards.
You’ve already achieved incredible things, like the 168 days of sobriety. Those belong to you, not the version of you that was with him. Remind yourself that you did the hard work of sobriety and health. Imagine how much further you can go now that the emotional drain is gone. And when those thoughts of him become intrusive, use a "sensory reset." Focus on things that bring you back to the present: the feeling of a heavy blanket, the sound of rain, or a sharp scent like peppermint.
Since you mentioned wanting healthier relationships, start by being the "gatekeeper" of your own energy. Decide now what a "healthy relationship" looks like to you (e.g., consistency, transparency, no "waiting 6 hours for a reply"). It is also important to practice self-compassion. You said yourself that you would never use someone like that; that is a testament to your character. Don’t let his lack of integrity make you doubt your own value.
What is one small, kind thing you can do for yourself tonight to celebrate the fact that you are no longer accepting less than you deserve? 💚
