Unhappy and Missing my Ex

Hi Friends Ive recently Thrown myself into study Online been doing that for about a month now and its been diffucult and good too but Im not giving up on it Im perservering in trying to complete study to get a Job ,However in my Personal life Im unhappy cause well Lets start with this about a month ago The same time I started studying guess who sent me a message yeah the ex did , I saved the message but didnt reply cause I thought yeh hes laughing at me for trying to acheive something like I didnt feel I could beleve his words of wow thats gret your your studying,anyway fast forward to now Ive been Studying every week and passed 3 out of the 5 study units but then I notice The ex is looking so happy in some pictures and so I got angry this morning angry because he looks so happy and also angry cause I partly still have feelings for him and I wish I could be as happy as he is even though I am trying my best to complete my goals and focus on myself ,part of me my heart part wishes Id gone to his country like he asked me to and then I would have been with him and happy too ,But my Head says Because of the country hes in I would have been stuck in a bad situation ,my heart and head in conflict again and in general I do have a goal to travel places but when the ex asked me to travel to israel to be with him I didnt go cause of safety concerns its like do you ever get mad at yourself for not taking risks in life I know its fool hardy but theres my emotions for you there foolish emotions so its like my head always goes no no no You cant do what your heart wants cause youll be in danger ,its such a shame I limit myself so much in life Like Am I going to do something exciting and adventerous have fun but in a safe way ,or do I have to just always be striving for working and being serious without a personal life to go with it ,there are certain places I wanna travel to ,I wanna travel to sydney,I wanna travel to scotland but right now Im so limited finanacially why are the small achievements the only thing Im able to do just study and get a job to pay bills ,why cant I be more like my ex and travel freely to other places and be happy Im angry that there happy without me,Im Angry that they came back to talk a few times ,Im Mad that They where mean and maniplative and stuff and put downs and then Im mad That They pretend to care by sending compliments ,Im Mad They wanted me to do the work for the relationship to leave my family behind to go to another country but Im also mad I didnt choose to go ,Im Mad at Myself for being so cautious Im Mad at myself for doing the right thing ,for doing the safe thing and not living much of life because of it ,Im trying so hard to achieve and yet I dont feel good enough,a bit of a mopey mad mood today now and the weather is so depressing ,Its just sad ,At One point not long after he broke my haert I wanted to call him in angry tears to tell him off for hurting my heart but then We cant have what we cant have right I think Ill always love that man from a distance but never get to be with him in person to see if it would jave stood a chance ,Lost Angel ,safe but sad for doing whats right for herself even though she breaks her own heart by doing so by being too comftable and not taking the risk she really wanted to do