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I am a 19M which hasn’t developed any sort of identity (or so I think) yet. As a young adult now, what are some ways I can try for developing it?

Toplar82Casual Contributor20 Mar 2026, 4:21 am AEDT

I am a 19M which hasn’t developed any sort of identity (or so I think) yet. As a young adult now, what are some ways I can try for developing it?

hello to everyone. I hope I am in the right forum for my admittedly quite simple condition compared to other things in this forum and that I can get guidance about my situation despite not being located in Australia. Apologies if my writings are fragmented.

I am currently in a gap year after my neither-successful-or-unsuccessful university attempt. I then started to talk to a therapist in hopes of instilling a change in my life after not having any sort of identity or aim for 4 years (this happened at the tail-end of october 2025). I would say that's leading to important things like finally gaining things to try achieving and live for.

My therapist did say that from her understanding I left the university from social frustration (I can't remember that part clearly) and my already-poor emotional regulation destroying everything as a result.

A few days back in my youtube feed I came across this video dealing with identity confusion: https://youtu.be/iFxkSeOynkg?is=0_4lID_8JDxcwE9L

And this video summarizes the miseries of my adolescent life since the pandemic. The problem was that I never tried to form an identity and nobody was aware that I didn't have an identity so no push came from there. Because I was completely alone on this (I couldn't even name it) I pushed such hard questions away to focus on grades and academic results. However university showed me that in the adult world having an identity is a basic thing you are expected to have everywhere. So I decided to dedicate this year to at least forming the basis of an identity which I won’t regret, an identity I can identify or name without hesitation and with pride. But most importantly an identity which is flexible as I want to become a variety of things in the future and I want an identity that can support me without seeking external validation (is this out of scope of identity though) I can't think of ways to do this though.

The video said “trying on identities” and I actually started this year by recognizing my possible neurodivergence (“possible” as diagnosis is not available in my country. If my plans to relocate to somewhere else come into fruition however I will do it.) and looking at various neurodivergence types. I consider this to be mostly resolved however. So, I wonder what are some other ways I can try out?

Other information about me which might be of help:

I have some hobbies (like music and shooting photography) but they don't feel like they would play out a huge role in my identity development. (Those hobbies feel like they are just my extensions of learning how the world works and a way for me to process the things which happen to me in the outer world.)

I have been diagnosed with group anxiety by a consultant. This may shut off any university plans in the future to be honest, during my mothers attempt at convincing me that I was at the right place (it was at best right place wrong time) our department head told me that universities expect social people that can form relationships and be in groups. I was not any of them. I want to go to a prepatory programme of this sort later this year which can hopefully teach me such things.

I also saw a youtube comment in the video I will link below where the commenter thought that they had a superpower in that they could mimic people down to speech and mannerism and that it was actually trauma protecting them and I also feel like I have such a power. I also thought a few months back that I actually didn't have an identity but just core values which affect my behaviour. I didn't ponder upon them too much at the time but they seem very relevant now hence my sharing.

Thank you to everyone that reads my wall of text.

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In response to: I am a 19M which hasn’t developed any sort of identity (or so I think) yet. As a young adult now, what are some ways I can try for developing it?

MatchaToadPeer Guide20 Mar 2026, 2:07 pm AEDT

Re: I am a 19M which hasn’t developed any sort of identity (or so I think) yet. As a young adult now, what are some ways I can try for developing it?

Hey @Toplar82

It sounds like you are navigating a profound period of self-discovery!

First, please don’t apologise for your writing being "fragmented" or your situation feeling "simple" compared to others. The process of building an identity from the ground up is such a significant and deeply personal undertaking, and your post is very articulate and clear to me.

I find that it is quite common for people to hit a point, especially after the isolation of the last few years, where they realise they’ve been "mimicking" or focusing on external markers (like grades) to get by, rather than building an internal sense of who they are (Or for me, it was more so I have been high-masking all my life and didn't understand my identity at all until I got diagnosed with AuDHD last year - of course that is my own experience.)

The video you shared does make an important point: identity isn't something you're born with; it’s something you "try on" through different roles. Since you are looking for practical ways to develop a flexible, proud sense of self without needing constant external validation, here are a few things you might consider:

You mentioned that your photography and music feel like extensions of how you process the world. In the world of identity, that is actually a huge clue. So with photography, instead of seeing it as just a way to learn how the world works, consider that what you choose to photograph reflects your unique perspective. Are you drawn to the small details, the grand landscapes, or the way light hits a specific object? Your "eye" for photography is part of your identity, even when no one else is looking.

You also mentioned that you feel you have "core values" that affect your behaviour. This is actually one of the most stable ways to build an identity that doesn’t rely on external validation. Something I want you to try doing is write down 3-5 values that feel non-negotiable to you (e.g., Curiosity, Kindness, Honesty, Autonomy). And when you "try on" an identity—like being a student or a photographer, etc., ask yourself: "Does this role allow me to live out my value of Curiosity?" If it does, it’s a fit. If it doesn't, you can discard that "role" without losing your core self.

The "mimicry" you described, feeling like you can mirror speech and mannerisms, is a very common experience among neurodivergent people (sometimes called "masking").

While it can feel like you don't have a "real" self underneath, try to view the "mimic" as a librarian, collecting tools. You are observing how humans interact and filing those techniques away. Building a "flexible" identity means knowing when to use those tools and when to step back into your own "quiet" space where you don't have to perform (I feel this touches on unmasking, which is something I am still trying to achieve as I have been masking all my life.)

Since your therapist mentioned "trying on identities," you can do this in low-stakes ways that don't require a university setting. Maybe you could use an anonymous persona, kinda like here, but use your interest in photography or music to join an online community where no one knows your history. Try being the "helpful critic" or the "curious beginner." See how those roles feel for you. The preparatory program you mentioned sounds like a great "controlled environment" to practice being a "social person" without the high stakes of a full degree.

You mentioned wanting an identity that doesn't seek external validation. This usually comes when we stop asking, "Do they like me?" and start asking, "Do I like how I am acting right now?" * Since you are in a gap year, you have a unique "quiet period" to listen to your own reactions. When you finish a piece of music or a photo, how do you feel about it before you show it to anyone else? That internal "click" of satisfaction is the foundation of an identity built for yourself.

It is okay if your identity feels "flexible" or "in progress." In fact, some of the most resilient people are those who view themselves as a "work in progress" rather than a finished product.

Since you mentioned being interested in relocating and exploring your neurodivergence, how have those "possible" labels helped you understand your past university experience? Does it make those "fragmented" feelings feel a bit more understandable?

In response to: Re: I am a 19M which hasn’t developed any sort of identity (or so I think) yet. As a young adult now, what are some ways I can try for developing it?

tymeModerator20 Mar 2026, 8:06 pm AEDT

Re: I am a 19M which hasn’t developed any sort of identity (or so I think) yet. As a young adult now, what are some ways I can try for developing it?

Hi @Toplar82 ,

Thank you for your post.

Unfortunately, SANE Forums are for Australian members only as per Community Guidelines

We will send you an email.

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