Pregnancy - what do I do?

Hi there,

This is my first post on here. I have been meaning to start contributing for a while now, but have felt daunted by all the things going on and want to share. So I thought I'd start with the most urgent and important one.

I'm in my early 20's. I have depression, anxiety isssues, borderline personality disorder & I also use drugs. Drug use amplifying all the other issues I have.

I have no job, unsuitable accomodation with my grandparents and my dad, have never been so mentally unwell in my life and have so much pressure from others to abort the baby.

I was in a relationship with a man who quite severly physically assulted me. After he had done this, 1 week later I discovered I had fallen pregnant to him. I am now 12 weeks pregnant and I still am unable to firmly descide. And I am running out of time to do so.

There is no way the child would have the father involved in it's life under any circumstances as he is too dangerous and manipulative and will never provide as a good partner or parent.

I know that it logically sounds like a responsible choice considering my circumstances. But the tests results and ultrasounds are all normal and healthy. I heart it's heartbeat at the doctors yesterday 😞 It just feels that I'll be killing it for no reason and then my life will just be back to nothing anyway.

I did a no-show at the hospital appointment to have the termintion and it is now rebooked for early next week. I still feel that I will not be comfortable with going through with it.

I am unlikely to bounce back emotionaly very well. I feel like I might as well just take us both down if I terminate 😞

Each option is based on " what if this? " and " what if that?". What if I fail and struggle forever as a single mum? What if I continue and have a beautiful child who I will love and everything will be okay? What if I terminate and put myself at risk of harm even more?