Daughter starting to want to hurt me

Hey @Ramman

It is heartbreaking to read your post. The weight that you are carrying right now is immense, and you are right, it is incredibly unfair. No parent should have to choose between their own physical safety and the desperate need to keep their child alive, especially when it feels like the system has left you both stranded.

What you described, her wanting to hurt you so that you will hate her, is a very complex and painful defence mechanism. In her mind, if she can make you "the enemy," it might feel easier for her to justify the harm she wants to do to herself. It is a devastating cycle of dissociation and self-punishment that leaves you in an impossible position.

As a volunteer here, I want to remind you that you cannot be her entire and only safety net and her parent at the same time. When a situation reaches the point of physical threats and constant fear, the parent role gets buried under the crisis manager role, and that is where the burnout becomes dangerous for you both.

I also want to say that I used to be a carer for an older sibling who lives with complex mental health conditions, including DID, so I hope to share some advice from my own experience.

A few things for you to consider right now:

• Safety First Rule: If she is threatening to hurt you, your safety must be the priority. This is not about giving up on her; it's about acknowledging that you cannot safely help her if you are being harmed or at risk of being harmed. If things escalate, it is okay to call for external help, such as emergency services, even if it feels like a deep betrayal.
• Carer Gateway: Since you mentioned you can't leave the house without fear, please consider reaching out to Carer Gateway. They can sometimes provide emergency respite or help you find specialised support for parents of adult children with complex mental health needs.
• Acknowledging the Dissociation: when she is in that state, she is not "her." Reminding yourself that this is the condition talking, not the daughter you know, doesn't make the fear go away, but it might help a little with the guilt of wanting to step back.
• Boundary Setting: It is okay to say to her (when she is calm), "I love you, but I cannot be the person you hurt. When you feel that way, I have to step into another room or call for help to keep us both safe."
• Practical Strategy for the "Push-Pull": When she is being hurtful, try to stay as neutral as possible. "I can see you're in a lot of pain and trying to push me away, but I'm not going to hate you. I am going to the other room now to keep us both calm."

I know you mentioned there is no help, and in many parts of Australia, the system is indeed struggling to keep up. But you deserve to breathe in your own home.

Are you in a position where you have anyone - a friend, sibling, or a professional - who can sit with her for even an hour so you can physically leave the house and clear your head?

@MatchaToad

Thanks and I do mean it. When she is not in crisis I can do my own stuff. Today has been hard; this week been tough; so much self hatred.

This must be so incredibly painful for you both @Ramman. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this... sending you the biggest of hugs.

I really like @MatchaToad's advice and I am glad you have decided to reach out. We are all here for you. 🫶

I am curious to know if she has the capacity to call a helpline? For example, Kids Helpline, Lifeline, or even Headspace for more ongoing support?

I can hear you are really worried about her safety and I can see how much you love and care about her... have you noticed anything in the past that has helped bring her into a state of presence and connection with you?

She uses kids help line; but they get scared of her thoughts and call emergency services. That's a no win currently as they dont recommend adult ward as she is so young.

Dearest @Ramman

hi

im wondering - does she like just walking up and down the street with you ?
we are sitting with you.

how are you this morning. I can see that my oldest son was on a journey but not as dramatic as yours many years ago.

please understand your resilience shines-

asking for support here is really cool what your doing.

@Ramman @AuntGlow @MatchaToad

@AuntGlow @MatchaToad @PeppyPatti

Sometimes; a lot depends on her capacity. She claims walks dont help. I like walks good to connect.

@Ramman

It's so incredibly draining when the crisis mode stretches on like this. Please try to remind yourself that the self-hatred she's expressing is a symptom of her struggle, not a reflection of your parenting. You are doing an immense job just staying present through a week this tough.

Regarding the walks, it's a bit of a classic tug-of-war. When someone is dissociated, a walk can feel pointless to them because they can't yet feel connected to their surroundings. That being said, if a walk is what you need for your own reset, then it is okay to go on your own, even for just 10 minutes.

You mentioned that when she's not in crisis, you can do your own stuff. That window of opportunity is your lifeline. If today is too hard for a shared walk, maybe there's a small way you can reclaim a bit of 'you' time this afternoon/evening? Even if it's just 10 minutes of a podcast or a quiet cup of tea in a different room.

You are navigating a challenging storm right now. Don't forget that you need to keep your own battery charged just to stand steady for her. We're here for you through the rest of this week and the next!