Friends

Hi @Tarmac_6

Friendship's are so complicated aren't they, it sounds like you have invested a lot and are supporting your friend, which impacted your special weekend.

It might be hard to talk about boundaries in friendships - sometimes its just about pausing and having a bit of space - or being active with that friend "doing things" to take the pressure of the talking?

Good on you for reaching out to the community I know everyone will be able to give you space to express the load you are feeling

take care and be kind to yourself

Mindee 🙂

Hi @Mindee, that’s a really good point. I guess I don’t really need to say anything to her right now especially as I know she’s not meaning any harm to anyone it’s just a tricky situation.

Hey @Tarmac_6

It sounds like you're in a really tough position. It's clear you care deeply about your friend, but you also sound like you're experiencing significant burnout from being her primary emotional support.

It is completely valid to feel frustrated when your boundaries are not respected, as with the repeated phone calls on your partner's birthday. You are not being 'mean' or a 'bad' friend for wanting to focus on your life; in fact, setting those boundaries is usually what keeps a friendship sustainable in the long run.

Regarding the situations she gets into, it might help to remember that you can't care more about her social 'rules' than she does. If she isn't ready to change her approach to dating or how she perceives closeness, your advice, no matter how accurate, will continue to feel like a 'waste of time' for you.

I just wanted to share some things you might consider trying. It's so okay if these don't resonate or feel right to you; it's just some things I could think of:

• Instead of offering advice when she brings up these situations again, try saying something like "That sounds really frustrating for you,' and then gently changing the subject. It protects your own energy by stopping the cycle of giving advice that isn't being taken.
• If she calls during an important event, it's okay not to pick up. You can send a quick text saying "Hey, I'm busy with [event/partner] right now, but I'll check in with you [later/tomorrow/couple of days.]
• As for the birthday trip, you could suggest, 'I think keeping it just the two of us (or the core group) would make it more relaxing and easier to manage.'

You are not responsible for fixing her or protecting her from every social mistake. Sometimes, letting a friend navigate their own lessons is the only way to balance the dynamic again. Hang in there!

Hi @Tarmac_6 . 🙂

It sounds like your friend might be really hungry for more personal connection then what she currantly has in her life.

Are there any guys you know, who would be a good match for her, who you might be able to set her up with as a long-term partner?

Do you have any friends who you might be able to set her up with for more plutonic relationships?

I get the impression that she's looking for love (romantic and/or plutonic) in all the wrong places, and either doesn't understand that, or doesn't know how to get into an environment where her approach to relationships is more compatable with the people around her.

You sound like your more savvy about people and the social scene then she is. So might you have a better understanding of how to find such an environment then she is? Instead of trying to renovate her personality to fit in with the people who are currantly around her, would it perhaps be a better idea to try to transplant her into a environment where her personality naturally fits in?

Hope this helps. 🙂

Hey @MatchaToad, thanks for the advice. I did send her a message about boundaries but seems like she’s not really in the headspace to hear about anyone else so I’m gonna just take some space as I feel a bit hurt.

@chibam, I have tried to explain that different situations or scenarios might be a better idea but I don’t think I can make it my job to find her a partner. I don’t really have any guy friends and I don’t think she would like me setting her up with anyone as she doesn’t want to go on dates.

thanks for your advice

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@Tarmac_6 wrote:

@chibam, I have tried to explain that different situations or scenarios might be a better idea but I don’t think I can make it my job to find her a partner. I don’t really have any guy friends and I don’t think she would like me setting her up with anyone as she doesn’t want to go on dates.

thanks for your advice

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Roger that, @Tarmac_6 .

I guess the loneliness crisis is hard on everybody, isn't it? Not just on the lonely people themselves, but also on the broader community, because the government's strategy is just to leave it to them to sort out without any support or relief. There isn't any proper service where lonely people can turn to to be matched up with their own kind, so basically everybody has to rely on relatives and acquaintances to do this work instead.

It's a mess.

You say that you've tried to tell your friend that she might be better off in differant situations. Have you actually given her any specific instructions that she can follow, or have you just vaguely remarked that she could do better in a differant situation? Because even if she agrees with you that a different situation would be better, if she has no idea how to actually get in to such a situation, the advice might seem pretty useless and even frustrating.

It's a bit like saying to someone with Parkinson's: "Maybe you should try to not have Parkinson's?" The statement might be perfectly true, but if you can't give them meaningful instructions on how to actually cure their Parkinson's, the advice seems pretty pointless.

@chibam, yeah I see your point and yeah I have. She’s kind of the sort of person who can’t be told things once she has an idea in her head. I’m sure she’ll work it out and I mean I can only guide her. I can’t make it my goal to put her where she wants to be.

@Tarmac_6

So, is it like she doesn't even hear what your saying when you try to explain to her where she should be going?

I guess I'm just thinking that, if it was a case that she is hearing you, but that she doesn't believe the advice is good or appropriate advice, perhaps the two of you could talk about her concerns about following that advice.

I know that when I was first struggling with loneliness, my "friends" kept giving me terrible directions on where to go that were totally inappropriate for my needs and aspirations. e.g. Some of them would nag me to go to college, even though my aspirations were to live and work amongst less educated people, and get a non-college-education job. And no doubt they probably threw their arms up and said, "Oh well, we've told him what to do, and he just refuses to do it!" But they'd convieniently leave out the fact that they were only giving me directions to a place I wanted to avoid at all costs; while refusing to give me any direction on how to get to where I did want to go.

I don't know, but maybe there's a similarity to the situation with your friend. Are you telling her how to get what she wants, or telling her how to get what you want her to have? If it's the latter and not the former, she'll probably be adverse to following your advice. It might even seem like she isn't hearing you.

I mean maybe @chibam, but she always comes back to the same conclusion that I do or says she wants to do the things that I have suggested. She’s very honest so if she doesn’t agree with something she tells me. I really feel like I’m giving her good advice and trying to be a good friend. I think it’s probably best for me to take a step back as if she doesn’t listen to my advice it’s not my job to fix her problems.