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Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 8:45 pm AEDT

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

1972 replies

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

OwlunarSenior Contributor11 Apr 2017, 10:03 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member

I don't know what the lump is but I guess you have seen the doctor by now - and I hope the news was good

Freeking out when we have a lump or a bump - normal but not at all fun -

I guess we will hear from you when you find out

Dec

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Apr 2017, 10:28 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Morning @Former-Member ......

Waiting to hear about your appointment.

💙💕

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

utopiaSenior Contributor11 Apr 2017, 11:10 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

That's good @Former-Member. Sounds like they did a thorough medical. Hopefully now you can relax and spend the day doing some study.
I'm glad it worked out.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember11 Apr 2017, 11:54 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Yeah @utopia i had two people there.
If they want a pap smear they are going to have to sedate me as thats a trigger. Im still worried about that lump but hopefully it goes within 2 weeks otherwise more tests. Im too stressed to study atm so im going to go shopping for easter stuff while i can

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

MazaritaSenior Contributor11 Apr 2017, 11:59 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member, by the sounds of it you have a thorough doctor. I find the trust I have in my GP helps reassure me when I'm feeling anxious about health problems. Remember to breathe if you are feeling stressed or anxious and, as @utopia, suggested, try to relax as much as possible and take things one moment at a time. I'm having a hard day here too, @Former-Member, struggling with some depression and anxiety. I know we can both get through it okay.

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

OwlunarSenior Contributor11 Apr 2017, 1:16 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

It sounds as if this is being taken seriously @Former-Member and that lump is likely to be a cyst - people get them from breast injuries - very common in young women

All of this - and having to face a pap smear which will be scary for you - is quite enough for one day - it's a good idea to do your Easter Shopping today and get back to your studies after you have taken time out

Thinking of you

Dec

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember11 Apr 2017, 1:23 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

oh it is @Owlunar just have to wait 2 weeks to see what the progress of it is then go back for a check up

i dont want to get a pap smear at all ! its scaring the shite out of me.!

ive been out shopping but i cant study i cant concentrate. any ideas on how to get my head back in the game?

im starting to feel like a walking medicine cabinet

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember11 Apr 2017, 1:26 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

thank you @Mazarita

hopefully your day improves for you

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember12 Apr 2017, 11:22 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

My heart hurts so bad !!!! My sister sent me pictures of the horse my heart aches for
Shes literally 10 minutes away from me and im.not allowed anywhere near her 😞 😞

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

OwlunarSenior Contributor12 Apr 2017, 11:37 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member

It's good you have to wait 2 weeks for your result - that means they are concerned but not worried - if they were worried you would be getting ready for surgery by now

About the pap smear - if I needed one I would feel as if I was in a time-machine - but yes - I hated them - I felt it was intrusive - I could hardly stand all that - if I had to have what is similar it would be a GA I think - because as time passes privacy issues ensue - not fun at all - I understand that -

But for all the worry - in the past I felt it was worth it -

But I do understand what you are saying - you were abused - in this case you are not but

iove

Hey - I just thought - just had an ideaus maximus - before you gave that done - sedation or not - actually give the technician permission - tell HER - yes HER - insist on a WOMAN for that - give her permission to do the test.

Dec - wanting to hold your hand so much

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