Struggling with an adult daughter with BPD

Hey @GenXmum

I am so sorry you are going through this. I read your post, and I want to start by saying something that you need to hear, even if you don't feel it right now: You are not a failed parent! I have been a carer previously for my older sibling with BPD, among other conditions, and I can understand the specific exhausting difficulties you are describing. I know all too well the feeling of living in a state of permanent "anticipatory grief" - constantly waiting for the phone to ring with the worst possible news.

When you have provided medical, financial, and emotional support for six years and the situation remains at breaking point, the issue is not a lack of effort on your part; you are doing the best you can. The issue is more so that you have been trying to manage a condition that, by definition, makes it nearly impossible for the person living with the condition to acknowledge their own need for responsibility (counselling/therapy work can really help, though!)

Here are just a few things from my experience that may be useful to you. It's okay if these don't resonate with you; there is no obligation to take this on board:

Detachment can be an act of love, not abandonment, in some circumstances. When we continue to cushion every "fall", we accidentally prevent the person from ever hitting the bottom they need to feel in order to change. Stepping back is perhaps the hardest thing you will do, but it's necessary to save your energy and your life.

I want to remind you that you are not her crisis manager. There is a big difference between a medical emergency (where 000 is called) and an emotional emergency (where she is spiralling because of choices or splitting). You are allowed to be a parent, not a 24/7 crisis service, just as I was allowed to be a sibling, and not a 24/7 crisis service.

The failed parent narrative you feel truly makes me sad, but it is not the truth at all. You have provided resources. You have advocated for her. You gave her the tools. If she chooses not to use them, then that is a reflection of BPD and her choices; you can't force someone to change, even if that change will save them. This is not a reflection of your worth as a parent.

Please be kind and gentle towards yourself this evening. You are dealing with secondary trauma that most people cannot comprehend, speaking from my own experience.

If you haven't looked into it already, I highly recommend checking out NEABPD and their Family Connections program. It's the gold standard program for families of people with BPD. It is a free 12-week course that teaches you skills to manage your own wellbeing and communicate more effectively with your daughter.

BPD Foundation is another fantastic resource that has links to state-based services and information on how the Australian Mental Health system works for those supporting people living with BPD.

You are allowed to have a life. You are allowed to be happy, even when your daughter is not. You have done more than enough and I am so very proud of you for all that you have done, and especially for coming on here to open up about everything.

Hi,

Just putting it out there so maybe this helps? I have the following mental health diagnosis myself, I have Anxiety, BPD, Depression & PTSD too. I am a 37yr female that also happens to have ADHD & ASD2.

I am hoping to explain things from the perspective of learning some of my behaviors I displayed around the age of 19 when seeing a Psychiatrist who actually got to see me regularly had pinpointed were how I got diagnosed with BPD.

I did act upon the impulses of spending money on almost anything I didn't need for some kind of dopamine boost, then there were risktaking behaviors such as stealing, driving a car on my learners with either with an intoxicated supervising passenger with L-Plates displayed on the car or with no L-Plates after around 3yrs of driving on learners with my one of my exes cars with no L-Plates displayed, No supervising passenger & not even on his insurance & somehow I got away with it for around 2 & ½yrs until I got my P-Plates & my own car as well.

Then I also had for a long time fluctuations in moods happening for such a long time that seemed like hormones/my period/ ADHD or something that looked like it was as if I had some kind of split personality.

Then there was sleeping with the same guys but where I would abruptly end a relationship and go sleep with an ex-(was on contraceptives luckily) or that could've ended up with me having either an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy and I did do that for over 15yrs at the minimum.

I was having issues on identifying my sexuality, I explored with both genders and also tried relationships that were Polygamous-(both open meaning can be with multiple relationships with anyone of any gender and not really have rules or guidelines) or closed Polygamy which was a couple that were married and both were in a relationship with me and each-other as well, but not anyone else outside the trio and I don't know how common it is, but yeah also tried same gender relationships which there wasn't many with just only a woman due to a stronger desire for a male partner.

I disliked being alone, even if not in a relationship formally I would still pick a sexual partner of some kind, sex made me feel "wanted" as I didn't seem to get my needs met easily in a relationship in a means where I felt like not sabotaging it/ending it, it wasn't the fact I just wanted sex, it was that closeness and the desire that made me feel like I was wanted and being touched physically like cuddled, kissed and affectionate seemed out of reach in a majority of my failed relationships where I couldn't even communicate it how I needed as they either used me for sex and I accepted it as I felt wanted, or because of a messed up upbringing of unstable parents doing illicit drugs it didn't help in my needs being met as I grew up, in the last 5 years both parents are no longer around & I was trying to help my mum after everyone else walked away on her despite the neglect she gave me, but she kept doing the illicit drugs after an organ transplant & that was part of what killed her, I also think she done it as part of covid struggles being isolated plus also because nobody bothered and I would spend alot of money and time to drive around 20ish kms a day to go out to her house in the country as I am in the city and her drug habit took priority and ultimately led to her dying sooner at 59, that also left me in huge debt for over 7k in funeral expenses as she hadn't thought of what would happen after she was gone and was a hoarder.

I am sharing this by choice to get to a point despite the topics being changed alot, I don't think it would've mattered if my parents knew about my BPD sooner or how I was raised because I have had signs of BPD most of my life and the impulses are the hardest bit. I left home at 16, got pregnant with my first child, then went though losing my child to child protection due to my mum not being fit to raise my child because of struggling to raise a child at 17, I didn't understand sex-ed and protection from pregnancy until after my first child was born because I was raped age 7yrs due to my mum rejecting her male friend so both myself and my sibling coped it and she wasn't careful with who she had around and he wanted her, but she locked herself and her partner-(my stepdad) in the bedroom so he got to me and my sibling and from that I didn't learn how to protect myself as I was disgusted with what I was forced to do and didn't do the sex-ed at primary school and never learnt at high school and found myself allergic to latex so that didn't help as the sexual health clinics never had latex free condoms back in 2005-2006, so once they were in I did use them and trialled the pill which I kept forgetting to take so went onto the depo shot which was every 11-12wks so I went off that just over 3yrs ago and now I want a child to a stable partner I can't manage it as the preventative built up so much in my body for over 8+yrs that it's just not happening for me as the person I am now with I have been with for 4yrs and it's now actually my most stable and longest in duration relationship without break-ups or going back to exes.

I do have a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist and a good GP so then it's better to work with them and found myself to be more stable with them clinicians & to be medicated as I do much better with those supports & meds.

I am on an anti-psychotic, tricyclic antidepressant & a Benzodiazapine too. Everyone is different, I found too many issues with the 2 usually prescribed antidepressants hence why maybe u may or may not know what the tricyclic ones are, then there's the antipsychotic which helps more so for the BPD despite not being classed as a "treatment" of BPD, then the benzo helps with my anxiety. But as a whole the right meds with therapy can help with the not so good issues that come with BPD.

I dunno if someone is gonna be as descriptive as I am about my own BPD diagnosis, but thought it may help to hear from someone who actually has it.

I don't do any meds that aren't prescribed to me other than over the counter stuff like antihistimines for allergies type of thing...

I rarely drink alcohol at all because as mixed with my meds basically isn't a good idea at all, makes me feel horrible to be honest & tired and amplifies my night medications which I struggle with chronic Insomnia so I rely on my psych meds not alcohol.

The one thing I hope helps u from being honest and upfront about my issues with BPD.

Number 1.) Don't blame yourself for what you don't understand or can't change, I get that it's scary that your daughter is doing quite a few concerning things, she may not be understanding it hurts the ones closest to her such as yourself which is probably gonna make it hard for you to distance yourself, but for your sake along with your other family members taking a step back is likely one of the few ways she may realise not everything can or will be done for her by yourself or others, she needs to understand that her behavior is impacting your mother and daughter relationship.

I'm not sure if you could write down how u feel about your fears/insecurities to do with her choices surrounding her BPD, but how I deal with in between therapy sessions is a password diary app on my phone so nobody but myself can access it and I vent in there, but I do not read back over anything once that day of writing the diary entry has passed so I don't trigger myself.

I showed my own psychologist and it helped her to help me with some of what was impacting me like it did help somewhat.

Keep seeing your own therapist and let them in on your fears, insecurities, how to cope with your own mental health stability and learn how to de-escalate things if you do have mental health flares as a result of your daughters actions.

I do hope this post helps u somehow, I cannot communicate it another way due to my own disabilities, but I thought maybe let u know some of the stuff my mum had to deal with where we had numerous occasions where she had cut me out of her life because of what I was doing.

I do hope u find some answers on here, I was looking up mental health support on a search online and seen your post up top & joined to see if sharing my life's drama helps from the perspective of me having BPD as it's different if u have it compared to giving advice from say someone else whose a carer or parent to someone with BPD, both perspectives I think are important. Feel free to quite literally ask me anything, i'm being quite open about this stuff as I know none of my loved ones would stumble upon it and it's part of my past i'm embarrassed and ashamed of looking back and that's kinda why I hope this helps u understand and figure out things.

Make sure your mental health, general health and other family are before your daughter's habits, maybe she'll realise how difficult it would be for u at some stage.

All the best and I hope u can figure things out, not sure if I responded the right way to your post, but worth half an hour of my time to try to help someone struggling in my eyes as that's how long this comment took to type. Bumblebee3