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Managing Anger

Tarmac_6Senior Contributor03 Mar 2026, 2:49 pm AEDT

Managing Anger

Hi,

Some backstory:

I’m 21 and studying at university so I am still living at home and will most likely be here for the next few years. My sisters no longer live at home but my twin (let’s call her Ruby) still lives in the same city as us. All throughout high school she struggled with an eating disorder and it took a lot of my parents attention and time to help her deal with it. And while I am very understanding that they did this, it did put my problems on the backburner and I wasn’t able to fully deal with them until years later. Ruby also has ADHD so is often forgetting and losing things and does not know how to properly clean. I used to get asked by teachers at my school to keep her organised and I have spent more time cleaning up after her than I can even put into words (initially I was trying to be helpful so she didn’t get into trouble but then it was just so I could use the common spaces). She has consistently taken my things and lost them (including a $200 bag, house keys, clothes up to like $500 dollars etc.) and does not have the money to replace them so she never has or my parents have instead. Although she is moved out, most of her stuff is in her old room and she still comes over and sleeps, showers and eats our food. She hosts drinks with the girls here, leaves messes and takes food/drinks of mine and then will lie about it so she doesn’t have to replace it. Whenever I even broach any of this with her or ask her not to do something she loses it and we get into a massive fight. To be completely honest, her presence stresses me out even if she’s not doing anything really bad and I often get quite heated in these arguments. And if my parents are there they don’t step in. Apparently they speak to her afterwards but Ruby never changes or apologises so I feel like she doesn’t understand right or wrong and has no respect for any of us.

Right now I am at my wits end and genuinely considering only interacting with her when necessary to avoid these arguments and protect my peace but I guess I just was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to not be angry? I feel as though I’m overreacting but I can never seem to calm myself down. I just feel bad for my parents and I want to stop the arguments.

4 replies

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In response to: Managing Anger

DahliaDreamsSenior Contributor03 Mar 2026, 3:58 pm AEDT

Re: Managing Anger

Hello @Tarmac_6

thanks for sharing all this with us, it does sound difficult. As far anger, I have had plenty of experiences with it, so maybe I'll put down some thoughts. Let me know what you think.

I don't think you can get rid of anger or stop it happening. It's a natural emotion and it seems to arise when a boundary gets crossed or an injustice occurs. I suppose it's part of being human and it can serve a purpose. I think of it as something to manage and express in ways that serve you.

If you try to repress it or ignore it, then it can grow and become a real problem, eating away at you from within.
So maybe the real question is how can we talk to someone about our angry feelings in a constructive way? Hopefully without yelling and losing control or making the other person feel unnecessarily bad. But still being honest and willing to hear their side.

Like you said, nothing really bad has happened here. But maybe over time, your resentment has grown because of a series of things that happened, none of them terrible in themselves, but repeated too many times. I don't think it's always about who is right and who is wrong, either. Maybe both of you will grow and change when you have a chance to really sort though this. But it isn't easy.

In response to: Re: Managing Anger

Tarmac_6Senior Contributor03 Mar 2026, 4:15 pm AEDT

Re: Managing Anger

Hi @DahliaDreams,

Thanks for your response. That’s a really good way to reframe it that I hadn’t thought about. And yes maybe I need to stop getting so caught up on what is right and wrong.

In response to: Re: Managing Anger

DogMan79Senior Contributor03 Mar 2026, 6:21 pm AEDT

Re: Managing Anger

I agree with dahliadreams

"Managing anger" doesn't mean avoiding anger or not experiencing anger. It just means channeling it more effectively when it does happen. Which is a valid human emotion

In response to: Re: Managing Anger

papermoonSenior Contributor04 Mar 2026, 6:05 pm AEDT

Re: Managing Anger

@Tarmac_6

I struggle with anger too. I hear you, but well done for being self aware of the situation and striving for a coping strategy that will bring peace and diplomacy to the situation and protect those around you. It's beautiful selflessness.

What I do is use a variety of things.

I challenge the thought: I try and find an alternative to why that person is thinking or behaving the way they are. Then I look for "thinking errors" that I'm doing in my original analysis. Some of these are "catastrophizing, black and white thinking, personalisation, jumping to conclusions, mind reading, fortune telling, labelling.." I then try and think of a more realistic or helpful way to interpret the situation. I write all this down on paper.

Sometimes, its just allowing yourself time to process an event and how it made you feel. Sometimes you need not react to it right away. People say "sleep on it" which I've always personally found funny advice cos when I'm angry sleep is very difficult and the next day you add irritability through fatigue to your anger. So really, sometimes, this realistically is more like 3 days. You may feel VASTLY different about it in 3 days. In any case, after some time has passed you will be in a better state to talk about any conviction you may still have without inflaming the situation further. You'll be calmer.

And that brings me to my next point which is a devised plan for anger.

When the situation occurs I ask myself:

What is the meaning of this anger?

How does the anger fit in my life goals?

What are the needs of the other person?

then

I protect the dignity of the other person, and myself.

If I need to, I express myself calmly with an even tone, being succint about needs or convictions.

then I leave it there if its not accepted or further argument erupts. AVOIDING REPETITION.

If you follow that and the situation is still inflamed, then it is important to note that that is the other person's poor anger management, not your own. Remember that there is strength in staying calm.

Alot of anger comes from this feeling that we are worthless. The actions or words of others can be uncaring or demeaning or feel disrespectful and it challenges your own self worth. Always remember, that just by being alive, you have inherent self worth. This helps me alot.

The last thing I'll say is of course: find ways that ground yourself. For me this is candlelit baths with relaxing music or walking barefoot on grass and listening to birdsong and smelling the leaves and trees and foliage. But whatever that looks like for you.

Good luck, friend

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