Really struggling

Firstly, thank you for sharing here, that takes a lot, opening up about it. Especially with autism.

I lost my best friend to suicide in 2020, we were inseparable and did everything together. Very close. I know how it feels.

I’m really sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and understand that it’s going to hurt a lot for awhile, there will be big waves to ride. During these times you really need to hold onto yourself. Man has never made any material as resilient as the human spirit. Be faithful to that which exists within yourself.

Use your senses to ground yourself. Try bring yourself back to the present if you can. Concentrate on little small things, birdsong, the texture of a book, small details that you can touch and feel. Practice heart breathing. That is, inhaling and imagining that you’re inhaling into your heart then exhaling out through it. Journal and brain dump. Write him letters if it helps.

You are allowed to grieve, be patient with yourself. This is a difficult time. He loves you, he’s no longer in pain now, but he would want you to be happy and continue on.

all my best wishes and thoughts

papermoon

Hey @Lostbookworm

I am so sorry you're hurting like this. Please hear me when I say: you are not a failure. You are navigating an incredibly complex grief while processing a major new understanding of yourself (your diagnosis), all without your primary support system. That isn't failing, that is surviving in an impossible situation.

I can deeply resonate with those 'darkest' days more than I wish I could - I lost a close friend of mine to suicide in December 2025, and the weight of it can feel completely paralysing. Some days are harder than others, and it certainly feels like an entirely different form of grief than what I have felt before.

Regarding the lapse yesterday, please try to forgive yourself. Grief is not linear, and sometimes we reach for whatever can numb the noise when it all just gets so loud and overwhelming. It happened, yes, but it does not undo the months of progress you made.

If all you can do is curl up in bed and cry, then let that be enough. You don't have to 'navigate the world' perfectly right now. You just have to get through the next minute and the one after that. You are not as alone as you feel - I'm here, as is everyone else on the forums who has experienced this kind of loss.

@Lostbookworm I often feel a bit lost and was a bookworm. Welcome to the forum. I tried very hard to love my brother all his life but could not prevent his suicide. Yes, it is one of the most complex forms of grief. I try and put protective things in place for my mental health on anniversaries, and also his birthday. I also have a few symbolic things from him that help me treasure and respect his memory, rathr than be overwhelmed by the confusions of my grief for him..

@MatchaToad You often have beautiful encouraging things to post on the forum.That is a very recent loss. So sorry to hear that.

@papermoon gentle cooee to you too.

Suicide leaves a lot of messy feelings behind. We had a lot of early trauma in our family. Sometimes it can help, understanding the challenges the person who took their life faced, and not making it all about your own relationship.

Hi @Lostbookworm I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone to suicide is so hard, as there are so many unanswered questions. And then there is the "what if" game you play in your mind. Please know that while his death is tragic, and you are going to miss him greatly, he is at peace now and no longer suffering.

I lost my partner of 11 years to suicide coming up to 23 years ago. And every anniversary was a horrible time for me. I would relive the events that led to his death every year. As much as I tried to do different things to take my mind off the anniversary, including drinking to excess, most of the time it didn't work. And it didn't help that I blamed myself for his death for 21 years.

If you ever want to talk about it, I am here to listen and I am sure you will find plenty of other people on this forum that are caring and supportive.

@Appleblossom @MatchaToad @papermoon @Bunniekins @MissGremlin

@MatchaToad my heart goes out to you for your recent loss. Your words to @Lostbookworm are very well said and very thoughtful.

And you are right, that the grief you go through when you lose someone to suicide is completely different to the grief you would normally go through. I think a lot of it, is the unanswered questions. When my partner decided to commit suicide there were no signs that he was even in that frame of mind, or that he was struggling.

We had a volatile relationship and after 5 years of physical and mental abuse from him, I finally decided that enough was enough and I told him that I was leaving and wanted nothing to do with him ever again. It was that night that he took his own life. After many many years of therapy, I know that his death was not my fault, but it still hurts that this is the way he chose to end it.

Hello @Lostbookworm, firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. Grieving is tough and there's no right or wrong way to do it nor is there a set time frame. I hear how much your brother meant to you and trying to navigate things without him must be incredibly hard for you. Please try to be gentle with yourself and Know that you're not alone, we are here for you ❤️.

I lost my niece in December to suicide, she was only 17, the day I found out I'd made an attempt myself earlier that day before I found out. It should have been her 18th birthday in January but instead that date had been a month since she had passed. It still doesn't feel real it still hits so hard and I cant accept that she's gone.

@Mustang67 @Appleblossom @MatchaToad @papermoon

I'm so sorry to everyone who has had this experience too, I really appreciate your time and effort to share and offer your support. It all feels like such a mess sometimes, and so tiring. I really appreciate everyone's understanding. 💙