What now?

That sounds tough to deal with

Sudden boundaries can be difficult to implement and stick to

Hi @GalaxyOwl I can hear how hard it must be to take all of this in and process it, and I'm also hearing that you've been committed to making changes and working on certain behaviours and it can really difficult when we feel like our efforts aren't yielding results.

It's clear that you care for your partner and want to make the relationship work and I do want to acknowledge that it can real take time and patience to unlearn patterns of behaviour, especially when we might not have realised that they were an issue.

Just being open to hear your partner and willing to make these changes are great first steps but it can be hard to do these things alone. Do you have any other supports to assist you in making these changes?

For many, understanding the root of a behaviour can be really helpful in making change because when we know where it stems from we can anticipate what might trigger it and any underlying issues we might need to address. A counsellor or psychologist can be really helpful for this and might be worth looking into, if it's not something you're already doing.

Hi GalaxyOwl, is it too personal to ask what your said abusive behaviour is. I’m only asking as I have been in a relationship where this was claimed also only to find after seeking help from a counsellor that it wasn’t my behaviour that was the issue. I could be totally off the mark here but I am curious which is why I asked.

Thank you for clarifying this GalaxyOwl. Sounds like you may have some triggers coming up. You are correct in saying it is not ok to do that but in saying that you may have some past trauma that may need healing. I don’t know the situation so it could be presumptuous for me to say that. Have you considered journaling to write down your thoughts and feelings and reflect on any negative thoughts or actions you take. Sometimes this helps let off some steam in a healthier way.

Great suggestion @CalmKingfisher 😊

I will just tag @GalaxyOwl so they can be notified of your message! Instructions for tagging are in this post if you need em 😉

Thanks for the suggestion @CalmKingfisher. I used to journal and filled up a notebook last year. I stopped for some reason part way through last year and I'm not sure why. I do some journalling when I practice DBT and ACT, mostly in terms of behaviour tracking and taking notes of strategies that work. But it's definitely not a consistent thing or talking about my feelings.

I once told my partner that personal growth, getting better, feels like a full time job. I do stuff literally every day to work on my trauma and my behaviour. They felt really concerned about this, they said hearing that made them feel like they were forcing me to do that. But, no, if they want to see rapid change, it does need to be a full time job, there's no getting around that.

I know change doesn't happen overnight, but the only way I can hold myself accountable consistently, if the tools I need to do so are being practiced when I'm not activated, and are on my mind, available, when I actually need them.

I just wish they'd put the same effort in for their trauma.