PheenstarSenior Contributor
Family trying to get things going
I tentetavily told my partner last night that the relationship has been bad for to long and i want you to listen to my plan on how i think we can fix it... i want the chance to fix things before i can prepare for the future of living my life and bringing up the family... My partner has i would describe it as some sort of BPD. We have two little boys one is 18m and 4 so we got a long way to go, Both doing really well and we got do something now with our relationship before it starts to effect them. My thought process is to help my partner in any way possible to see if this can be fixed or reduced to the maximum so we live happily ever after. If it can't be fixed, then i will be happy that i gave it a try and will make the adjustments mentally that will be the best for everyone. But to just give up without trying now and never try to fix this is just not me.. I told her i was going to write down my plan as we can not talk about this stuff with out it escalating and going no where... i need to have it all down in writing for you to try to be open to it and to start preparing yourself for it, as it is the plan that i will be focusing on to get things good for our family and mostly it is what i feel is right and mostly this is for you. We have been together for around 7 years with a yr seperation at the start and around 6 month ago i think worked out that this is more a BPD and she cant stop the things she been saying to me and stop the way she is thinking cause she genuinly believes this. Before that i just thought of her as abusive and the worst girlfriend in the world, and i was sticking it out for as long as i could for the kids before id just have to go... Ive tried to defend myself a million times in a million different ways against all sorts of crap that was being said and then the next day, the very next conversation , her next thought and in a way her only thoughts were to talk contant shit about me... It was nothing super bad, but it was constant, it didnt stop and if anything it made her happy to say these things, it was her most knowledgable topic and sort of only topic.. No matter what i said didnt work and it would basically keep going until she threated to end it, take the kids or something along those lines with stuff about how good she is and then just wanting to be loved etc etc. It was like a speech that was the same everytime. To me it was what it was. Just abuse and a whole lot of bullshit. I was aware of it, i couldnt believe it just keep happening and just didnt make sence that she keep doing it. It was like being in one of those relationship where the guy puts the girl down constantly and sutterly until she feels worthless and a total mental wreck and then becomes a bit dependable on him cause she got no confidence to make it on her own and cant leave him.. For me it didnt have that effect at all, i have and always have had an inwardly self confidence in myself and doin what right that after all this aint gunna change.
Anyway this forum is going to be the way i fix this, this is the email, the start of many in what i believe will be a relatively short process and everything wil b A .O.K soon, How thing are going and to limit the talk between us as we fix this relationship... So hopefully she registers for the forum, to take part, otherwise she can read my intensions and not be able to return abuse.. For me it is definelty some sort of BPD, non violent and the depression and anxiety issues are not the problem at the moment... She has no idea there is something wrong with what she says and how she is, so in a way it is not a situaton where she is ready to confront any issues, or she is taking the first step.. Sure she wants a better relationship and the best for the kids, but her ways of fixing it would be to try to say all the same things over and over agian to make me believe them, but that aint gunna work, that i can say is one thing i know in all of this. The rest is just trying to do my best and relying on what i think is the right thing to do for her and seeing how it plays out and just making the adjustments on the fly.
So as i said , we are a young family and a little bit more about my partner. I still find her to be very beautiful, she is 38. She is like a 10 and im a 2, so i see that as a big positive for me.. Sound stupid but its true in the big scheme of sorting this out, i see her as a great mother and fixing this would make her even better, She is a german and since i have known her to be hard working and pretty straight. Someone who is not likely to give up when the going gets tough.. She has definelty been in this state since i met her, And it would seem probable from what i know and the things she has talked about over the years that there is a chance or more likely that something might have turned or clicked around the late teens years, so i feel these thoughts or now how she is, is very ingrianed in her to the point, that, this is all she knows and to help her may not work and thats being positive... Im also really worried and will be constantly aware is helping her could have a total negative effect as i can see there a people out there with much bigger issue than ours and dont what to go down those paths.. I put it in the same cartegory of, you got to do your best in these situations and what is right, and i think this is the right decision.. She is a young mother with two super beautiful kids to be on her side and to helper out of any hard situations she goes though.. She is working and has me to 100%help her and i am committed what ever the out come may be.
I think the first stages are going to be the toughest as her whole thought process is basically that i am the problem, so to think logically i must know that it is going to be tough or impossible but its even more logical to just deal with what ever needs to be dealt with. It is a very private matter, and she will not want it public and even feel bad in a lot of ways, what ever the outcome, but am saying this in this forum as its also her email and honest and trust still need to be maintained throughout, is that i will be letting her sister who still lives in germany to the thread details and to post if she thinks its ok, she knows what happened when they were kids, she is a free thinker and i think will do whats best for her and not make it public and if my partner needs to talk about this issue she has someone who she trusts, Also to support me and who will also be there for my partner if she reaches out is an old mate who works in the industry who will have her interests in mind. He lives overseas and doesnt run in our circle of friends, He knows about this thing and has knows others who know. He is a good man and may have the time to post and someone i trust. And my best mate of 30yrs, im 42 by the way.. He is he has 3 kids up to the age of 17, so is way further along in his family life or knowlegde. He is a exceptional bloke, who i trust not only as a friend but will know how to handle what ever comes his way, for some advice or support and not feel stress or pressured. He s the bloke who says the least, but sorts out the most problems so posts something if you what mate and twat, you know what to do...
positive thoughts, ideas, support and stories are welcome andwill see what happens, hopefully a familys journey back from beyond the brink to everlasting happyness or a short thread that goes disappears and a family that goes on
