Finally ending marriage with ultra complex partner

Hey @JustWhelmed

This is an incredibly heavy weight to carry. It sounds like you have been the "shock absorber" for a chaotic system for seven years, and you've reached the point where there is simply nothing left to give. That emotional numbness you're feeling isn't failure; it's your mind's way of surviving an environment that has been in a constant state of emergency.

It's clear that you care deeply, which is why you have stayed in a "protector" role for so long. However, choosing peace for yourself and your children is a necessary life-saving measure, not a betrayal.

When dealing with a partner who has CPSTD and Bipolar tendencies, clarity is kindness. Ambiguity, even when intended to be gentle, creates a hook for them to keep fighting for a relationship that is already over. When approaching this final, difficult conversation, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain (JADE). You've already explained; further explanation just gives her more points to debate. Focus on your own capacity rather than her faults, e.g. using "I" statements.

There are a variety of ways you could go about this. I've just come up with a few ways of what you could say:

• Example One: "I've spent a lot of time reflecting on where I am, and I need to be completely honest with you. While I care about you, I am at my absolute limit. I am emotionally numb, and I can no longer be the partner or support system you need. I cannot move forward with this marriage. It is over, and I need us to focus on the logistics of separating as safely as possible for everyone involved."
• Example Two: "I know this is incredibly painful, and it breaks my heart to see you hurting. But for the sake of my own mental health and my children, I have to step away. I've realised that by trying to protect you, I've been losing myself. I can't negotiate this anymore. I need peace, and I need to move into a different living situation. We need to involve professionals to figure out the best path forward for the kids."
• Additional Example Addressing Step-Son and House Pressure: "Regarding your son and the house, I cannot take on the sole responsibility of this home or a child that is not mine legally without a formal, mediated plan. We need to speak with a family lawyer or a mediator (e.g. Relationships Australia ) to ensure he is safe and that our finances are handled fairly. I can't solve these problems alone anymore."

Immediate Steps for Your Protection:

Given the history of self-harm ideation and police/psychiatrist involvement, you should not do this entirely alone. Before you have the "final" talk, notify her therapist, a family member or a mental health team. You are handing over the duty of care to people equipped to handle it, so you don't feel held hostage by her potential self-harm. Since she mentioned you taking her son and keeping a house you can't afford, speak to a lawyer before the final talk. You need to know your obligations (and lack thereof) regarding your step-son. If you fear her reaction may be volatile, have a plan to leave the house immediately after the conversation (with your kids and dog) to stay with a friend or at a hotel for a few days.

I know you mentioned feeling guilty for "lying" to her this past year. Please be kind to yourself. You weren't lying to be cruel; you were maneuvering for safety in a high-stakes environment. That is a trauma response, not a character flaw.

@JustWhelmed

am reading your story and I see so much of my own journey in your words. I am currently working out a similar path

—a partner with endless drama, a 'scarcity' mindset, and the soul-crushing exhaustion of trying to be the 'Adult' for everyone else while my own health and peace were being destroyed.

Here are a few things I’m trying to work out will they help you ?

The Numbness :

You mention being 'emotionally numb.

Are you reaching your limit ?

When you are exposed to constant fury, self-harm threats, and legal drama, your brain shuts down feelings to survive.

It feels like

you have no more power left to give ?

perhaps You felt you were 'protecting' her by staying,

but like you said, it was infantilizing. Well, you are drowning with her.

However, why are you so strict with yourself ? Yeah, ok there’s that word, infantizing. But maybe it can also be about loving and caring your equal partner too.

You feel overwhelmed and

It’s unbalanced

But could we think of positivity too ? You both gave it a go……

The story hasn’t ended ……

@MatchaToad

However :

t is incredibly cruel for a partner to tell you that if you leave, you must take on their child or they will disappear. That is not love; that is a hostage situation. You deserve a life that isn't built on threats.

The Vision of Peace: You said you want 'your kids, your dog, a basic house, a garden and peace.' I am currently fighting for exactly that. I call it Sane-Land. I’m moving toward a sun-filled unit with a garden and a safe car, and for the first time in years, I can breathe.

My advice is to stop arguing with the 'fury.' Get professional support (lawyers/financial advisors) to handle the 'logistics' of the split so you don't have to engage in the drama.

Seeing a therapist is about confronting your health and giving yourself peace for you. In my eyes therapy is about being gentle with you.

We long termers on Sane forums often talk about that.

Re: Tabaluga's @ENKELI @Jynx

You deserve to not be scared of someone else's fury. You deserve that garden. Hold onto that vision of peace—it is the only thing worth fighting for.

@JustWhelmed

I stayed married for 16 years, in a super complex situation, involving his baby and Protective and legal convolutions. I felt sorry for him as he was a schizophrenic and had conceived with another schizophrenic. He was trying to work, and we both shared a love of science. I hoped my labour and love was enough, but sometimes you do need to draw a few lines in the sand, and have respectful boundaries for basic functionality. I barely got out alive, and was definitely physically and emotionally damaged. Ie I was the stepmother but did all the dirty work from 6 weeks. Dumb of me to get sucked in. Long story.

So yes, there is the all the goodwill in helping vulnerable people ... we dont want to have stigma about mental illness ... but ...

the old oxygen mask scenario may be appropriate. Meet your needs and the kids needs. Not sure if you have children together?

Your partner may have a few points, about the system and all that. But yes, I believe working on the hierarchy of needs, from the basics up is important and can clarify priorities. We need to pick our battles. Her managing things for herself and her son, are 2 things. Taking on pollies and corporations a lot more.

I can sympathise for her, but also all of you.