Doc_GonzoSenior Contributor
Highly Functional, 'Highly Distressed': A person can be both!
I wanted to share with people something I wrote about 3 months ago. It was aimed at trying to encourage the people around me to rethink some of the things they say. It never really went anywhere and I wanted to see what others thought and encourage others to join in the conversation
One of the biggest challenges I face in my current stage of life is dealing with this imposed belief of 'Well your okay now, look at how far you have come'. On one hand this statement contains some well known truths. Such as, in comparison to how 'I used to be', I have a much deeper understanding of my life, my identity and my mental health. I have an extensive 'self care toolkit' that I tap into at multiple points throughout the day. I have a better support network, primarily consisting of practitioners and with a few select people that I can count on when I feel a need. Most importantly I am able to retain a high level of functionality when experiencing periods of distress. However on the other hand, there are still some times when things really get on top of me and my baseline manageable level of distress becomes quite extreme.
During these times it amazes me at how many people respond to me being open about my level of distress in a manner that almost seems to convey a level of offense to my admission of 'not coping/doing so well'. So much so that when I am finding it hard to cope, I place strict limitations on my audience as I am well aware that some people cannot seem to cope with the fact that in some moments in my life I cannot cope. I still routinely put up with comments from people who have the audacity of dismissing my experiences for reasons that I can only speculate. Comments such as;
'You shouldn't feel that way, look at what you have achieved...',
Yes I have achieved lots and will more than likely continue to do so for many years to come AND at certain points in time I find it very hard to cope.
'Don't be like that, your life is way better than it used to be...'
Yes this is very true I am in a way better space physically, financially, socially and even emotionally AND at certain points in time I find it hard to cope.
'I think you are overthinking this...'
I over think everything I have learned to live with this very well AND at times I find it very hard to cope.
And my personal favourite 'You just need to stop being so negative and try to be more positive...'
A person can be very negative AND take positive steps. Sure it is even better if a person can be positive and take positive steps, however sometimes feeling positive about myself and my life is not easy. AND in spite of this one of the biggest reasons I have achieved so much and am in a better physical, financial, social and emotional space is because in spite of 'being negative' I have tried to take positive steps where I can.
'You are just being melodramatic...' and or 'I thought you were done with this...' and or 'Why can't you just try to be happy...' and the list could go on and on.
I have one question to ask the people who respond, not just to me like this, but to others as well...
How exactly is speaking to people like this supposed to help them feel better about themselves, the people around them and their world?
One part of me acknowledges that many of these people mean well and I know from experience that it takes skill to respond to people who are living with a high level of distress. I acknowledge that listening well and responding is a skill that many people have not had the opportunity to develop as much as others. I acknowledge that many people rely on me for support so when I start to 'drop' they feel under-equipped because I am the one that they turn to when things are going south for them. So when I drop they feel stuck as I am their usual sounding board for advice.
On the other hand, one part of me finds it incredibly frustrating that I still feel like I am not allowed to speak honestly about what is going on in my life. I often get the intimate details of others lives and many only get a brief status update of mine because I know that their responses and 'support' will often leave me feeling worse. I am frustrated that so many people seem to view mental health as an 'on/off' switch or as 'you were unwell and now you are better'. For some people including myself mental ill-health is pervasive and potentially a life long experience . The affects of Complex Trauma are deep rooted and on going. At times this means that there are things going on in my life that I don't often talk about that are having a significantly negative impact. It is not that 'I am negative' and or 'miserable all the time' and or 'being ridiculous'. It is that at this particular point in time I am STRUGGLING with what is going on and I am TRYING to ask for support.
Notice how I have been using the word 'and' a lot...
I coined the phrase 'highly functional, highly distressed' years ago in a journal entry. The idea is that I can be both at the same time, not just one or the other. Instead of highly functional but highly distressed, I have learned through experience and support that I can be highly functional AND highly distressed. I can feel very flat, have no confidence or self worth, feel useless and incapable and still achieve many amazing things. I often do not exist in one emotional state at any one point in time as human beings are far to complex to just be one thing at any one point in time. I am often joyous and sad and funny and loud and quiet and energetic and flat et cetera. What this means is that I can live comfortably with distress at times and achieve many wonderful things and at other times I can struggle with my levels of distress and still achieve many things.
Where I really struggle is when I know that I need some support from people and I am met with disdain and or dismissed and or invalidated. By using the aforementioned statements that people like to say to me, I feel like you are saying that you don't really know much about me. When you say things like this then it says to me I don't pay attention to you enough to realise how much you have actually achieved and how you got there and what you have done to get there and the many skilled decisions you make to keep growing, developing and learning.
In many ways this is not your fault you couldn't possibly know many of the skills I have had to develop, the support I have needed, the experiences in my life that have left permanent emotional scars. For one I tend to keep this closely guarded as I know that people can respond quite badly to them and so I have learned to be cautious with who I open up to. I also tend to hide from people and from life when I am reaching a point where I am struggling to cope. Not to mention that one of the things I tend to do when I am really feeling distressed is to bury myself in things that keep me busy, so all you are left with is seeing someone who appears really motivated, outgoing and successful at what they do.
Having said this I have learned to hide well because I know from experience to keep my feelings hidden as I know full well how people can respond.
What I am asking is for you to think about what you are really saying. When people reach out to me I try hard not to dismiss there distress by pointing how good other things in their life are. Instead I listen to what is going on and offer advice and support that is relevant to that persons needs at that point in time, within the context that they are presenting it. So instead of shutting down conversation by dismissing my distress at that point in time, try asking what you can do to help. Often you will find that there is very little you can physically and or financially do and that is fine, because all I am asking for in most cases is a sounding board to bounce my thoughts off of to help me work through what is going on.
I acknowledge that everyone has the high and low points in life and that the two states are not mutually exclusive. I acknowledge that people can really struggle with some aspects of their life and be very successful in other areas of their life. I acknowledge that many people find it hard to cope and yet in their own way cope very well. I acknowledge that life is never simple and often involves many complex feelings, thoughts, emotions and experiences that people may never reveal and they may speak very openly about many other aspects of their life. I acknowledge that sometimes the best thing to do is to just sit and listen because sometimes that is all somebody is asking for at that point in time. And most importantly I ask you to consider these points and I ask that you all try to do the same.
