Not such a good day already

I cracked this morning. I got an unexpected and stressful phone call and completely lost it. I'm now processing everything and I feel like rubbish. I don't know how to live like this because this isn't living to me, this is just functioning on minimum. I don't want to live if life for me is just functioning on minimum.

Not long ago I was at a point where I had a life full of great things and was well on my way to reaching massive goals that I had worked hard at. I had friends, a community, study that would lead to the career I wanted (and had almost finished my study after lot of hard years of work), I enjoyed my time with the little people and did meaningful activities in the free time I had when I got it. In a instant life exploded and all of that was gone. For a while I was ok and coping but recently the reality of it all has hit and I have sunk. I see myself today, reacting to things like that call in the way that i did, and I wonder how I am even the same person that i was six months ago. I have the same body but inside everything is different.

It feels like I'm barely holding it together and that anything at any moment could tip me over. Little things become massive in a split second. I can see the huge reaction in me and as much as I tell myself to pull myself up, sometimes I just can't and it's like all I can do is ride it out and pick up the pieces after. I'm tired of picking up the pieces though. I want to be normal again. I don't want to celebrate that today I survived and got through. I want to celebrate that today I lived, that I did something with my day.

I have worked on this for years and have a toolbox full of coping strategies. I have professional help and have recently conceded that I need medication so I started that too. Nothing is really helping the fact that I feel like maybe things are so far broken that they're beyond repair. I don't even know if it's worth trying anymore because it feels like I will never be able to get it back. I'm trying to work on accepting that this could just be the way my life is supposed to go, and maybe I will always be someone who nearly made it, but I don't want to accept that either. I'm exhausted from picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together when it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I don't theres much anyone would be able to say to help it feel any better but I think I just needed to put it down and somewhere aside from inside my head this morning. Today is not such a good day.