update: it’s all good ig

in terms of if I talk to my dad, I've not talked with him for years (have already cut ties with him). Our relationship is non-existent at this point. so my mum has been the only person in the family I've been continuing to talk/connect, even though there have been quite many times now where I wish I could cut ties with her

Hi @Blackcloud , excellent question and topic for discussion I think.

It definitely sounds like your mum is not respecting your wishes or boundaries that you are trying to make clear to her. This is a shame and completely understandable about how stressful this is for you. I had this issue with my dad too in the past.

From reading and knowing a few other people (like my dad too as one of them lol) I do think your mother cares, but doesn't understand or perhaps is incapable of seeing things from a perspective other than their own. But, perhaps I am projecting based on my own experiences here? Not sure - I'll let you decide that one!

But if it is, then darn because I know for me that makes it soo much harder if they are well-intent but causing harm!

I hear you have tried to tell her that what she is saying is not helpful and that you do not want her to ask these things. That is really good that you have been assertive around this. I am sorry she has not respected it.

It sounds like the conversations get quite heated and emotional, and likely hurtful for both sides. Her not listening to you or accepting what you say or respecting your boundaries, but I imagine it could also be hurtful for her to hear that you wish she was not your mother (even if it is true) especially if she genuinely cares for you but "doesn't get it" (like my dad!)

Blocking her contact for awhile may be a good way to break this cycle. As you note, it would come with the consequences of no longer having the "benefits" of the relationship with your mum - e.g. the cooked food. But this could overall be the better option for you. And its also possible that doing this will show your mum that you are serious about needing her to respect the boundaries of what conversation topics are OK and not OK to talk about together - and maybe in the future she can learn to respect this and even repair the relationship if that were what you both wanted.

I hope you don't mind me saying this -- because I say it in absolute love of culture and appreciating the differences -- but I can 100% imagine these conversations because most of my family's friends (and also my father's new wife) are of the general-ethnicity that you have previously mentioned. I also know a lot who are not like this!! But I know some of them that would 100% be able to be cast in the role of your mother with these discussions and 'controlling' too 😬. A friend of mine felt pressured to have a child for his parents - he didn't want a child himself! and he didn't have a partner either! but he felt obligated to have a grandchild for his parents. Cultural obligation/expectation (I compassionately expressed to him to consider what he wants and what having a child means to him and the impact it would have on his life and the child's life if he did not want to have the child. To my knowledge, he has not yet had a child - but I don't see him often as years have passed since. But I would accept him either way of course!).

PS - at my father's wedding, his wife's son said in his speech that he was shocked when he first heard his mum was dating someone not of their ethnicity - because she had always focused on trying to match him with one of their own ethnicity! 🤣 My family thought this was hilarious, because we have always said he is culturally (not genetically!) half-ethnicity of theirs and that if he ever married again we were certain it would be of that ethnicity lol. We all now joke he is more of the ethnicity than the wife is 😂.

It sounds like your mum holds a lot of cultural traditions / expectations, which do not align with your personal values and cultural identity.

Let me know if you'd like to hear more about how things panned out with my dad - he did eventually learn to respect our boundaries in conversation. But it has also come at some cost to us now days which is sometimes hurtful to us too, having put in all the effort and work with him to find a way to continue with a healthy relationship.

Hi @AlwaysMyself so nice to see you and talk to you on here again! 🙂

yes exactly! the way that parents set up these idealistic type expectations makes it so much harder if they are well-intent, and I 100% agree that it is causing harm (but really sad that they don't see it as causing harm)!

as much as it might be hurtful for her to hear me say those specific things to her (that I wish she wasn't my mother or that I wish I wasn't her child), it's just because of how much she's been continuing to try and make me feel pressured to do what she says, even when I've been telling her many many times otherwise. it's just so disgusting how much she's never willing to learn to accept my differences because of what I want for myself in life compared to what she wants or expects for me in my life that I'm against with or disagree with.

I feel like it's better if I choose to cut ties with her completely for the rest of my life part of this is because I have a feeling that she might wanna introduce me to a guy (like a different guy?) based in our ethnic country again at some point in the future that she would like for me to potentially meet and 'marry' with, which for me I actually would rather not be in a relationship (not even at this stage in my life) and that its better that I have a partner that was born and raised here (if I ever do end up having a partner in the future, or not).

Everytime she's been telling me things that she needs or expects or wants me to do, most of the time I felt 100% obligated to follow on what she says (not for all of them, but for most of them unfortunately yes) even though I know that I shouldn't be or feel obligated to always follow them, but with someone like her it's hard to actually feel like I'm not obligated to follow on the things she says.

I'm very sorry that happened to your male friend -- his parents don't have the rights to pressure him to get a child. Pressuring your kid to have a child when they don't want one themselves is horrible and drives me insanely nuts!! That must've been such a huge relief for him to end up not having one though (since the last time you saw him, and I hope it continues this way for him. It would drive me completely crazy if he actually ended up having a kid now due to his parents cultural obligations/expectations which makes me wanna scream!!

oh my, that's so funny about that situation of your father's wife (I'm guessing cause you said "your father's wife" she's your stepmother?🤔 please correct me if I'm wrong) marrying someone that's not of her ethnicity when she wanted her son to do the same otherwise 😂 I can imagine how that would be quite shocking for her son as that was completely unexpected for him haha!!

For sure, I'd love to know on how you were to settle things with your dad that led him to respect your boundaries. 🙂 if you don't mind me asking, are you able to clarify what exactly you mean by "But it has also come at some cost to us now days which is sometimes hurtful to us too, having put in all the effort and work with him to find a way to continue with a healthy relationship." if you can, thanks so much!

🫂❤️ I appreciate your response my friend

@AlwaysMyself Do you think me cutting ties with my mum would be the best way to do it?

I feel like if I do try to do that (like by sending her some long message about it), she would/might say to stop saying & doing that and would try to stop me from proceeding with it and guilt trip me with all of the “look at it positively” etc. etc. and all that BS she always has.

I’ve blocked her on all platforms where we’re connected for now.

would like your advice on this if possible please

I am always happy to chat with you my friend, @Blackcloud - and I'm really glad you created a thread so we can do so easier. 😍

I think one thing you said partially highlights a key part of the decision - and potentially difference in which approach will be best for you at this time. (I always say "at this time" because you may over time strengthen your own internal acceptance and self-assuredness and -- I'm failing to find the right word here, which is why there is a list of words lol -- self-advocacy or self-acceptance? Let me explain after! lol

---

@Blackcloud wrote:

Everytime she's been telling me things that she needs or expects or wants me to do, most of the time I felt 100% obligated to follow on what she says (not for all of them, but for most of them unfortunately yes) even though I know that I shouldn't be or feel obligated to always follow them, but with someone like her it's hard to actually feel like I'm not obligated to follow on the things she says.

---

I love 😍 how you note the internal conflict here between knowing that you aren't obligated to her ways, but that you still find it really hard to not feel obligated to follow what she says. I reckon this is key.

I am a really strong-willed person lol. For better and worse! For better, it means I have always "been myself" (hence my username!) and whilst I can accept social etiquettes I don't bend to others ideas of who I am or "should" be. That is one of my strengths as a person. (However, as a very strong-willed person that is values-driven, I find it incredibly hard to accept life! 😂 This is not a strength haha).

So for me, when I had the option to cut my father out of my life (once i no longer lived with him) it was very easy for me to set "ground rules" and tell him when he crossed them, and remind him of the consequences if he did not stop immediately. For me, the ground-rules were "do not tell me I shouldn't live my life how I do because of your own beliefs/desires" (e.g. not attending a church any more, or not choosing to follow his career profession). I was willing to continue contact with him for his sake - because I knew he was lonely and depressed, having moved out at our request (my sister and I were both going to move out of home because we could not cope living with him any longer, and my mother did not want to live alone with him - she only put up with it because she thought it was "best" for as children to have financial security & 2 parents at home).

We had a monthly dinner when we would see each other. I always made it at a restaurant - and met him there. This way, I had my own transport. I could leave at any time I wanted to. If he made a comment that I "should" do/think something that was part of his values but not mine (and he would of known this because of the conversation or past conversations) then I would stop him and remind him, "Dad, you need to remember this is my life and my choice. I know you may not think this is best for me and it may be different to how you see things. If you continue to tell me how you think I should live my life, then I will not continue to have dinner with you." At first, having to stop him and say this would happen at least once every time I saw him! But over time he got better at stopping himself from making his judgemental comments, and now days I rarely have to remind him at all.

If my dad had not stopped his comments during a dinner, I would have physically walked out mid-meal / immediately. Thankfully I never had to do this -- but it came very close a few times!

I would have given him another chance the following month - but only with a reminder of what had happened the previous time to remind him that was not acceptable. But if he had done it again that time? Then I would have probably had to stop meeting with him and perhaps limit it to a short phone-call instead, until he could prove to me that he could be non-judgemental.

Over time he learned to not be judgemental (or, not outwardly?) -- actually, he learned not to talk about those topics at all. I guess this was better than being judgement though. But this is where the "but..." comes in! Now days my dad will not engage in any personal topic of conversation - even though he has learned over the years to be less judgement in general. If I mention to him anything about my health - he does not even acknowledge it. If he asks "how are you?" and I say I am "not doing good" - there is no follow-up question or care -- it is straight to another topic. I asked him about this when I saw him over xmas. He said "because you didn't want me to talk about those topics" 😂. So yeah, instead of really understanding "non-judgement" he just took it as "taboo topics"! He was very judgement of depression until he experienced it himself -- so of course it was something he avoided talking about! I honestly don't know what he thinks of it now, but I know he is not judgemental in the way he was because I have heard him talk about other people (eg at work) who have had mental health challenges and he talks very compassionately about them. He knows I have taken this year off work because of my MH, but he has never asked "what's wrong?" or "is there a way I can help?" This has been the cost for me, of putting up boundaries with a person who in hindsight hasn't understood they were being judgemental!

Yes, his wife now is my "step-mother" - but because we were all adults when they started dating and then married, she has not been a mother to me. We get along well and I like her. She is a good influence on my father too - she tells him what to do! 😂 And he accepts it!! 😮 But she also accepts his eccentricities and groan-worthy traits. 😍

So whilst I have lost any emotional connection with my father, due to his own limited understanding of what the boundaries meant, we have maintained social connection and support in some ways. I know if I directly asked him for something I needed, he would be there for me and my needs. I know he cares - but he hasn't learned how to appropriately express care. It is very much surface level interactions unless there is a direct request.

I think the big question is if you think you can (or are willing to) repeat & relay the ground rules to her, and walk away at the time instead of engaging in escalating conversations at the time. If you are happy to do that - then the method of "contact under certain conditions" could work -- and if she doesn't stick it, then there is always still the option to cease contact for a period of time.

But if it is too distressing and hard and triggering to be able to try that - then yeah, the only option may be to cease contact with for a period of time. If this gives you the space to then explore and strengthen who you are and to heal -- this is fantastic!

The reason I say "for a period of time" is because perhaps in the future you will feel strong in yourself to be able to put down those boundaries and reiterate them as-needed without getting too triggered. And through that process it may be safe to try and see if you mum is able to withhold her own judgements/control -- to give her the chance to show change. But also gives you the ability to enact the pre-determined consequence of you walking away if she does not stop the offending comments immediately upon being reminded.

I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" approach here. I think it is just a matter of what is best or possible for you at the moment, with where you are currently in your process. If I had tried this with my dad when I was even 5 years earlier in my own learning of self-regulation and self-control, there is no way I could have done it - to stay calm and restate the boundaries, instead of flying into an argument & escalating. Thankfully by the time I was of age to be able to move out of home I had had nearly 10 years of psychology counselling to help me cope with emotional control.

@Blackcloud Personally, I think it would be nice of you to send her a message to explain why you have blocked her - short, polite, but letting her know (so that she doesn't not realise that her SMS doesn't come through, for example). Although it does sound like she ought to already know why - given the conversation about it being "ok if you block me".

But I don't think you need to keep it unblocked in order to receive a reply from her 😉.

e.g. if it were me saying it, I might write something like,..

Hi mum, I have made the difficult decision to put a block on receiving messages/calls from you for now. I feel disrespected when you tell me that I should do xxx instead of how I have chosen to live my own life. I feel hurt when you do not understand how my autism impacts my life and social challenges. I do not want you to find me a person to date; currently I do not want to date anyone, and if I do in the future I want to meet them myself without a forced interaction. I know you are trying to show care through your advice and match-making, but it is not helpful to me and makes me feel worse. For now, I need space from hearing these things. I will reach out to you again if/when I feel we can try again to reconnect with these boundaries being respected.

I guess that isn't really short after all, is it? 😅 Only on my standards is it short lol!

Hello @Blackcloud,

I think @AlwaysMyself has already made some good points.

I have a similar family background to you and I really empathise with how hard it has been for you with your Mum lately.

From my perspective and experience, it sounds like it would be a good idea to send your Mum a strong message, through your actions, that she has crossed boundaries and her behaviour needs to change for you to feel safe with her contact again. Sounds like you have done this with blocking her as well as moving out of home. It doesn't have to be permanent, just long enough so that she senses the difference and you feel safe.

If/ when you are ready to reconnect with your Mum, set in your own mind which topics of conversation are safe and which are not - this is what I've had to do with my Dad. I've been actively avoiding conversations about relationships, work/study, mental health, etc.

I don't know which area you live in, but in my city there are commercial kitchens that sell decent, ready-made meals, so that could be worth investigating.

I hope the distance from your Mum gives you a chance to breathe and focus on your health and what you want out of life.

Keep us updated!

Hi @AlwaysMyself my friend and lovely person, I really appreciate your long detailed responses, I’ll have a read of them later cause I thought I can give you and @Spirit_Healer an update right away. Plus, I’m at a yoghurt cafe enjoying my yoghurt meal lol 😋

@Spirit_Healer yes i already know about you having the same/similar background as I do.

@Spirit_Healer @AlwaysMyself so I sent my mum quite a long message on WhatsApp last night (the things I’ve mentioned were the things that the clinician from eheadspace I spoke to in the same evening suggested that I include) I guess to give yall a bit of a summary on what I wrote to her, I was basically saying that I feel it’s better that we stop contacting each other and that I no longer want to have contact with her because she’s never listened to whatever I tell her that I feel more comfortable with myself that she thinks otherwise & that I accept that it means that I can’t accept food or any other support from her anymore and that we can’t see each other again & needs to accept that she can no longer have contact with me. And that it’s difficult to talk to her everytime I wanted her to listen or understand me but she never wanted to.

Based on her responses she keeps saying that she’ll listen to me from now on and that she’ll stop asking (or in other words) trying to push those things onto me that she expected for me. She said she still wants to see me face to face and told me not to block her so that she can keep in touch with me. Mind you she’s the only family member I keep in regular contact with anyways. Then I said some other things such as “goodbye forever”. But anyways, that was all that, seemed that the issue was solved, but also I pray to god that she better actually not continue to do those things to me.

in that afternoon yesterday I did say to her that I wish I can block her forever and that she can stop connecting with me forever to which she responded with “it’s ok if you block mum, you can’t get food” (she only meant it in a way that she knew I was upset in what she was saying to me lol) — although later on in that night she told me not to block her (because she wanted to keep in contact with me still).

so seems like it’s going completely fine now. Last year a little bit after when she told me about a guy she wanted to introduce me to, I told her to stop doing all of that and she said ok to it. Since then, she hasn’t done it which is good.

I guess still it’s like just cause I’m her kid doesn’t mean i owe her anything (including continuing to be in contact) in return & I have the rights to make my own choices as an adult. But at the same time, if I do choose to wanting to completely cut ties with her (whether I let her know or not before blocking her), that it would lead to some consequences like in the cases of her not knowing where I am for example (if I chose to move somewhere while she’s still in my blocklist) and thinking about that makes me feel sad and I know I’d feel quite regretful from that decision I decide to make if I chose that route/option, so that’s why i know it’s better I let her know before I even consider on blocking her.

Hi @Blackcloud

Deciding whether to cut ties with a parent is an incredibly difficult decision, and it's clear you are feeling a profound sense of exhaustion. It sounds like you are trapped in a cycle where you are fighting for your identity and your neurodivergence to be seen, while your mother is viewing your life through a very different cultural and generational lens.

First, it's important to acknowledge that what you're experiencing is a "cultural and generational gap" compounded by neurodivergence. In different cultures and older generations, mental health or neurodivergence can be misunderstood as a lack of willpower or shyness. When your mother tells you to "stop saying you're autistic," she likely thinks she is being "encouraging" in her own way, while to you, and even to me as someone who is AuDHD, it would feel like she's erasing your entire identity. Also, her comment about "you can't get any food" is a common tactic. In many households, food is a primary love language, and by providing it, she maintains a connection and level of control.

As to whether you should block her - blocking does not have to be a permanent, lifelong sentence; it can be a tool for temporary peace. However, before you hit block, it's important that you consider the following to ensure that you are protected:

• Establish Independence: if you block her, you lose that food supply. Before doing this, ensure you have a plan for meals (learn basic meal prep, find affordable student options, use meal hampers from charities, or explore meal subscription services like Lite and Easy). If you are financially dependent on them for rent or tuition, blocking her could jeopardise your housing.
• Low Contact Option: Instead of committing to a full block, you could try the Grey Rock Method. This means becoming uninteresting as a grey rock. You don't bring up your struggles, you don't argue about autism, and you don't tell her, "I wish I weren't your child." You give short, polite, minimal answers. This protects your energy without the explosion of a total block.
• Boundary Letter: Sometimes it can help to write and send a clear, professional message to her outlining your boundaries, just so you can say that you've tried it.

If you did want to set a final boundary before deciding to go no contact, you could send her something such as the following:

"Dear Mum, I'm writing this because our recent conversations on WhatsApp have been very painful for me. I know you think that you are helping when you tell me to socialise or find a partner, but it feels like you are not listening to who I actually am. When you tell me I am not autistic, it feels like you are dismissing my daily struggles. It makes me feel like I have to fight you just to be myself. For my own mental health, I need to take a break from our communication. I need space to focus on my studies and my own well-being without feeling pressured to change. I won't be coming by for food for a while, as I need to learn to be independent. I'm going to step away from our chats so we can both have some peace. I hope you can respect this distance."

If you do choose to move interstate or block her, remember that:

• It is not failure - choosing peace over a toxic dynamic is a form of self-preservation.
• Even if she is difficult, you might feel sad after blocking her. That's very normal. You are grieving the mother you wish you had, not necessarily the one you have.
• Since you are at the University, please reach out to their disability or counselling services. They can provide support for your autism and help you navigate the stress of family estrangement.

Take care of yourself 💚

@MatchaToad i appreciate your insight and advice mate. What you’ve said in those first two paragraphs I 100% agree with and I really like how you put it all into two different perspectives, very insightful and helpful! ❤️

however, with the things you listed as suggestions, I’m gonna have to be completely honest about it if you don’t mind me. As with the low contact option, considering how I personally deal with things, it’s not likely that I would be using the minimal, short and polite answers in such situations. It’s just not what I would do personally and sometimes getting defensive to the point it triggers me to say such things like “I wish I wasn’t your child” I think is ok and not necessarily a bad thing in my situation.

As with signing up for the uni’s disability services, I’m already a participant of their disability services for autism. I’m currently seeing a counsellor and therapist that are both outside of the uni that I’m more comfortable with talking to.

i appreciate your input! 🌻